I'm a little nervous to post such a personal update. But I am reaching a new point in this journey and it's making me ponder a lot of things about the process and how deep change can affect all areas of your life. I don't know what maintenance looks like for me, but I do know I'm getting closer. Should I apologize in advance for a novel about the last year?!
BACKGROUND:
I was "bigger but active" in my childhood and teen years. My parents had a LOT of rules and value-judgements related to food, which led to secret eating and shame during those latchkey kid days. There was a lot of personal trauma and laziness, and I gained about 30lbs the first year of college, and it went up another 75lbs over the next 15 years, peaking at 315 after I had my baby. My mom always tried to encourage me to be healthy for myself, but she has her own body image issues, and as a fat person, I didn't want to hear some skinny bitch telling me advice from her momentous 8lb weight loss journey (eye roll). I also have a problem with doing the exact opposite with what people what me to do.
MAKING CHANGES:
In August 2021, I reached a new point of frustration with my life-long weight struggle, and I finally had enough. I had a 4yo at the time (now almost 6!), and I couldn't do anything with him. I was depressed, angry, resentful, exhausted, ashamed, and lonely. It was affecting everything in my life, including my marriage and my closest relationships. My back pain was unbearable. I finally realized it had NOTHING to do with anyone but me, and I deserved better.
I went to my NP, she recommended their weight loss clinic, and I finally made an appointment. I started working with a weight loss NP, and she helped me find a safe, non-addicting pain medication to help with my back so I could actually move. She also helped me recognize my anxiety and depression was no longer manageable alone, and we found the right medication for that.
I started with tracking calories (do this occasionally now as a check-in), low dose phentermine, added in dirty keto, then IF. Now it's mostly IF and dirty keto. All of this is with the supervision of my NP. I still can't bring myself to get my ass up and exercise, although I'm a LOT more active now just by being able to move more easily and not hating my life.
MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS WHOLE JOURNEY: THERAPY!
After a few months, my NP referred me to a therapist who focuses on weight and food, and she has been amazing! She has really helped me explore weight and food theories and patterns, which has only had positive impacts on other areas of my life (parenting, marriage, friends, family, work, kindness, empathy, confidence, moderating emotions). Every relationship in my life is now better and stronger.
Over the past year of therapy, I've really been able to identify how my mom's body image issues affected me, and it has helped me remove/manage some of those issues. I've been able to explore shame, and how I'm the only one to whom I'm truly accountable, and how being intentional in my choices can make life more satisfying, including food choices! I'm learning to truly listen to what my body wants AND needs (both in adding and limiting different things).
Everything is different now: portions, food choices, how I reward myself, timing, speed, how I choose restaurants, treats and drive-thrus, how I think about a day/week/month as a whole when choosing food. I'm starting to realize that I actually made a million tiny changes gradually and worked them every. single. day.
Tiny choices with consistency for a year. And all of it because I treated the source of the problem, instead of using a diet as a band-aid. This has been hard but life before was harder. I'm just choosing a different hard.
Anyone who asks me about losing weight should be prepared for a passionate lecture about the benefits of therapy, probably containing terrible analogies about how even racecars need tune-ups!
CURRENT SITUATION:
After more than a year, this morning I hit 91lbs down. I'm now the weight I was right after high school, but nothing is in the same place! None of my clothes fit, so thank God for old hoodies and leggings to get me through a few months!
My MIL asked me last weekend what I've been doing (she's looking for the easy miracle answer), and it made me realize that it has been EVERYTHING. After a life of dieting and wishing the weight away, I finally understand what it means to make a permanent lifestyle change.
I have COMPLETELY changed my relationship with food and shame. I don't do "cheat days" because I don't cheat on myself. If I want a treat and it's not "healthy," I eat it with intention and thoughtfulness, as much as my body tells me is right and no more. It's all just balanced together over time, all with the intention of contributing joy to my life. OK, I sound like I'm in a cult.
I actually don't know what my goal or maintenance weight will be. I've never had one so I guess I keep going until my body tells me I'm there?
If you're still here, good Lord, thanks for reading. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings to process as I close in on 100lb loss and keep going.
Progress photo because I don't know how to use reddit: https://imgur.com/a/mCcRi3r
