Hi! Realized recently I have a problem. (Long time lurker, first time caller!)
I realized the only way I lose weight is by starving myself… for a while until I get so fed up I give up and then slowly gain back the 20lbs I lost (usually I lose that 20lbs in a month - month and a half which I realize isn’t healthy). I’m a 30 year old woman at 5’4(ish) 5”5’ currently 196 (was 202 last week). I feel like I’m always in a cycle. Get to 185~ish get annoyed because I’m not losing as quick after that month, give up - because, let’s face it, it’s not sustainable - 3 months later start the cycle again. I’ve been on this sub for a while, always roll my eyes at the “why aren’t I LOSING?!” Posts because duh! CICO and exercise.
I’m sorry, but I just realized this is going to be a long post.
Let’s start with my upbringing. My mom was a yo-yo dieter of the 70s. She used to encourage me to do the same diets as her and would then get mad at me if I “cheated” (at age 9-14) because she told me if I didn’t ACTUALLY care then stop complaining about being fat. She wouldn’t let me dress like my sisters (skinny) because I was too fat and instead made me dress in clothes meant for women in their 30s up until I was 18. By then I was in college and could dress however I wanted, but all I could hear in my head was my mom and her words “you’re too fat! You can’t wear that! People will make fun of you. You’re not pretty. Pretty girls are skinny!” (I want to clarify she never said this but that’s all the “unsaid words” I always felt she was saying.) I wanted to wear what my friends did but she always told me I looked like a slob (her way of saying fat). I remember crying once and telling her “you would never say this to [my sister] because she’s SKINNY! You let HER dress however she wants!” And she was shocked and finally let up. But the damage was done.
She now tells me she regrets her mom making/telling her to do the same unhealthy diets she did - too little too late on my moms end because now I realize I’m addicted to the instant gratification. I was always the fat sister. Always the fat friend. Had guys that would bang me but never be with me because I was too fat. Just bad self esteem all around. I made myself be the cliche “funny fat guy” in the group because I felt that made me possibly desirable. I fucked dudes just to be wanted - but I was a straight girl and “funny fat guy” doesn’t work the same for a girl because for a lot of guys it’s EMBARRASSING to have a fat girlfriend - at least when I was in my early 20s (I’ve been in a good relationship with my current BF of 6 years but he also likes chubbier girls) But they liked me and liked to fuck me so I guess that counts?
I digress.
Then I did the yo-yo: ridiculous amount of weight loss in short spirts, always gaining it again. But guess what? I always got compliments! “Oh! You look so skinny and healthy!” Always being told I was so fat before. Always feeling like I was finally “okay”. Rinse, repeat, recycle. “What did you do?” “Oh the cabbage soup diet! Oh! Keto! Oh! 800 calories a day” followed by “wow! How amazing!
I was a bartender on my feet all day, eating 800 calories but drinking 1,200 a day. Hit 28 and thought I was about to die daily. But hey! I always stuck at the same 184. I was actually just stuck at that 180 for about 3 years. But I couldn’t stay there. I finally got a desk job and without being on my feet for hours, I started walking a half hour a day to and from work. Kept me at 180~ish. Then we moved where I couldn’t walk (hour and a half walk both ways) so I started being pretty much completely desk ridden. Gained back the 20 and I CAN NOT LOSE IT. Which is why I’m here bleeding my heart out now.
Started doing 1800 because that’s what lose it suggested (because it was when I set it when I was walking to and from work) and could not lose a pound. Realized my mistake a few months later. Changed it. Now at 1,400. Now I eat about 700 at work (it fluctuates between 200-400 for breakfast and lunch) and try to do high fiber and protein for fullness (and clean poops. Lol) leaving me about 600-700 for dinner. No snack.”s. (And I know this sub is very full of “you obviously are over eating - get a scale” - I have a scale and use it religiously).
My boyfriend just started a job so we no longer eat dinner together - which was great! No more guessing how many calories I’m eating! I can put it in EXACTLY!!! Still just kept gaining and losing the same 5 fucking pounds.
Which leads me to this post: I started doing it again. I’ve been skipping dinner, eating under 1000k cals a day because it seems the only fucking thing that helps.
I know what you’re going to say because I’ve been on this sub long enough: “you have disordered eating” “you need to see a therapist” . I can’t afford one.
So I’m asking this community: if there is anyone in the same position, what is your advice? How did you cope? I can’t keep doing this. It makes me want to cry. I see myself and am just so fucking grossed out. At ME! But seeing that scale drop FOR REAL in the first time in months is just… ugh.
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