What I've Learned By Losing 50 Pounds

F/27/5’7” | SW: 230.6 | CW: 177.2 | GW1: 190 | GW2: 160 | UGW: 140

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It has taken me the last five months to realize something about weight loss.

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People don’t always notice.

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It has driven me nuts. I mean, I’m obsessed over each little ounce. C’mon. Isn’t it the most obvious thing in the world, people?! I’ve lost 5 pounds. I’ve lost 10 pounds. Don’t you see it?

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Nah. They don’t.

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Over the months, I’ve learned a lot about myself.

• I’m a tad competitive. But I’m at my best when I am working with people, not against them. My coworker made weight an issue between us. I have experienced some hardcore, soul withering schadenfreude as she gained and I lost. However, it was not a healthy mindset to be in and I don’t recommend it.

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• Frame sizes are real. And totally affect how you ‘wear’ your weight. People don’t notice changes on my body as quickly as they might on a smaller framed woman. People are also shocked that I have lost more than 50 pounds so far. I’ve internalized how hard people jeer about ‘big boned’ to the point that I felt stupid researching frame sizes. Measuring your frame size is a quick thing and will help you better understand your body.

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• CICO works. It works for me. It demystifies the weight loss process. I will live the rest of my life keeping CICO in mind to help me stay healthy.

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• But CICO is not what people want to hear about your weight loss. On the occasion that I have be asked how I lost weight (or more often, told how I lost the weight), CICO is not a satisfying answer. ‘Yeah, but you walk a lot.’ ‘You must be starving yourself. Eating like a bird.’ I haven’t really helped the cause, since I started all of this by challenging myself and my partner to not eat fast food for a year. Removing the easy food has made me look at my relationship with food. It was a really unhealthy relationship, but that’s not really a surprise, is it?

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• I really wanted to be seen. I also really want to be invisible. It’s a paradox, isn’t it? The obese paradox. You are sometimes the biggest person in the room, but no one sees you. You can’t help but stand out, however, nobody really notices you. I have felt invisible my whole life and also, so self conscious I can’t even stand it. Now, people are starting to notice me in a way that I was wholly unprepared for. Some guy undercharged me for coffee in the flirtiest way possible, which just threw me for a loop.

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• Now that some people are noticing my weight loss, I’ve discovered that I really didn’t need it. My motivation for losing weight is more intrinsic than I realized and I don’t really know what to do with compliments. I know that that sounds kind of corny, but I'm being honest here.

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I’m over halfway, my fellow losers. I seriously couldn’t do this without you.

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Happy World Mental Health Day from your local Monican

On the podcast the last week I talked a bit about how I first started therapy. I’m oddly comfortable sharing because in college my bf’s mom talked about it no differently than she talked about anything else. I was taught it was okay so I didn’t hesitate when I thought I needed help. 

You don’t need to have a traumatic experience to justify getting help.
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You can have a normal childhood… and struggle with having healthy relationships.
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You can have parents that loved you… but not love yourself.
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Maybe you’ve never been in an abusive relationship… but tolerate shitty behavior from the people you date.
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You don’t have to be super underweight or overweight… to have an eating disorder.

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You can be religious… and cheat on someone you love.
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You can be kind to your friends and family… but say cruel things to yourself.
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There are no prizes for dealing with your problems alone.
And hurt people hurt people… So if nothing else helping yourself will help the people you love.

If you need a friend, a therapist, God, medication, a puppy… I am encouraging you to make it happen.

And I know that certain resources are not available to everyone. I was very lucky to be able to go to therapy because I had health insurance in college and just had to make the co-pay. Many places have low cost resources – Google your city & low cost mental health services to see your options.

 

 

Check out my random Therapy Thoughts & interview with the Medical Director of the Crisis Text Line podcast episode 97 here:

Run Eat Repeat Podcast Episode 97 

Or listen on…

Run Eat Repeat on Apple Podcasts //

Run Eat Repeat on Stitcher //

Run Eat Repeat on Google Podcasts //

Run Eat Repeat podcast on Spotify

or let me know your favorite podcast app and I’ll try to make sure it’s available there too!

 

Follow Run Eat Repeat on Instagram 

Follow Run Eat Repeat on Facebook here

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NSV - I was able to sleep on the extra firm beds at the hotel

Recently I drove halfway across the country for a visit home, a 25 hour drive. I love long drives but even still it necessitated a night in a hotel once on the way there and once on the way back to split up the 25 hours.

Previously when I've had to stay in hotels, I've been unable to be comfortable on the beds because a lot of hotel beds are very firm and I'm simply too fat for that. My weight uncomfortably digs my hips into the mattresses and I wake up multiple times a night with sore hips and a sore back. Red Roof Inn is one I absolutely couldn't sleep on -- when I know I'm going to be staying at one, I bring a mattress pad. But this time I had to bring my dog, and so I didn't have room for any kind of mattress pad, plus Red Roof has no pet fee or breed restrictions, so I booked it.

I weighed between 250-275 when I had the problems sleeping on their beds before, and I was 206.6 the day I left for the trip. I was making plans to sleep basically sitting up propped against all the pillows and was very pleasantly surprised to find that when I laid down, I wasn't uncomfortable. I slept quite peacefully in that hotel bed, and even the sketchy hotel with the shitty beds on the way back wasn't so uncomfortable that I couldn't sleep.

This is one of those things I never would've considered as a benefit of weight loss. It's so neat to see how all the little things add up to be life-changing.

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Inspired by weight loss trackers I've seen online! Hoping that it may motivate me and others.

https://imgur.com/a/a4XCPas

I've lost about 30 pounds since my highest weight; I fell off the wagon and gained a bit back, and sloooowwwlllyyy re-lost that weight. I was looking for some more inspiration and motivation online and noticed that I've seen a lot of weight loss trackers floating around on places like Pinterest and r/bujo (I don't even own a bullet journal so don't ask me why I'm subbed). I decided to make my own when I saw a nice roll of thick paper at Target for $3. Pulled out some Sharpies and got to work! It's not perfect but it's nice and big so I can't miss it!

I don't have an ultimate goal weight at the moment, so I just went with 80 more pounds, figure I'll assess it again once I get there. I'm hoping that this works and that small rewards might also help with pushing me towards my ultimate goal.

Does anyone have experience using this sort of tool? Suggestions?

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"The price of thinness is eternal vigilance"

I own a book that has been out of print since the eighties, so I guess it predates what we love and call CICO, but it's one of the best sources of advice and inspiration I own. I'm obviously not here to promote it, so I won't mention it by name, and I don't want to divert attention away from what I'm about to quote. But this paragraph sums up permanent weight loss (once your weight loss routine is established) better than anything I've ever read:

But if eating is no longer a Roman carnival of consumption, it isn't much of a problem, either. There's no gnawing hunger, no watching the clock until lunchtime comes. There's plenty to eat, and a little trade off here and there allows for a lunch martini or an occasional supper at Tio Ramos. But awareness of body size and muscle tone are never far from consciousness because, like liberty, the price of thinness is eternal vigilance. Developing a slim, firm body is in some ways like raising a child: it's a relentless job, it requires constant attention, and it seems never to be done. Understandably, winners protect and nurture the finished product almost instinctively. They are addicted to thinness. They don't necessarily like all the things they must do to stay the way they are, but they can't bear the thought of becoming what they once were.

Does a particular passage from a specific book or article summarize your entire weight loss journey? Please share it below.

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Weight Envy Intensifies

The intensification of weight envy has been a development ever since I hit my initial goal weight of 175. Yes, I looked thinner and people commented and complimented me about it, but I still didn't feel like what I felt I should look like in my imagination.

Of course weight envy is a common thing among people. But it didn't bother me as much when I was fatter. I suppose it's because back then weight loss seemed so unattainable and elusive. But once I started losing, I began constantly comparing how I looked vs. those who were at a normal weight. Heaven forbid if someone with similar stats to mine posts a progress pic. "He's around my age and height, how come his face is so much thinner?" or "Hey, this guy weighs more than I do but seems to hold it better?!" I understand it has much to do with genetics and fitness and whatnot, and I tell myself that, but the weight envy lingers. I suppose it isn't even weight envy, more like appearance envy.

Anyone else dealing with this?

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I am in a Dangerous Spot

I stepped on the scale today, and was shocked. Despite going to the gym four times a week, I have gained weight. I'm now 297, and I'm just a bad week away from 300. I live in a college dorm, and the dining hall has too many good things to eat. Ever since I was a child, my parents have always emotionally abused me about food. Especially my step father, who wouldn't let me eat most of the time, which lead me to sneaking food at the dead of night, and gorging myself because I did not know when I would be getting my next meal. In addition to that, the both of them called me such horrible names, and my mother always screamed at me to stop eating. I know it's wrong, but food has gotten me through so much. There were so many times that I thought that life is just shit, but for a short moment, food made me feel a bit better. Everything in life has really let me down, but food hasn't. But now I'm almost 300 pounds, and I've just eaten a Snickers bar because I felt so shitty. I know. I have severe depression, and I just don't know if anything can make me feel happy again. Im young, so I really should just do it now, but the thought of changing the way I eat really scares me. Starting this weight loss journey really scares me. I don't love myself enough to do this, but now I don't have much of an option do I? There is just a hole that I have to fill, and now I won't have anything, I'll be forced to fill it another way, and I don't think I have the tools to do that. But there is another side of me that wants to be respected and appreciated. Who wants to feel good in clothes, and be seen as a sexual entity for people. I want to be beautiful, or at least feel beautiful, and I know what's been stopping that is the fact that I'm so overweight. I don't know, I feel lost.

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