I stepped on the scale today, and was shocked. Despite going to the gym four times a week, I have gained weight. I'm now 297, and I'm just a bad week away from 300. I live in a college dorm, and the dining hall has too many good things to eat. Ever since I was a child, my parents have always emotionally abused me about food. Especially my step father, who wouldn't let me eat most of the time, which lead me to sneaking food at the dead of night, and gorging myself because I did not know when I would be getting my next meal. In addition to that, the both of them called me such horrible names, and my mother always screamed at me to stop eating. I know it's wrong, but food has gotten me through so much. There were so many times that I thought that life is just shit, but for a short moment, food made me feel a bit better. Everything in life has really let me down, but food hasn't. But now I'm almost 300 pounds, and I've just eaten a Snickers bar because I felt so shitty. I know. I have severe depression, and I just don't know if anything can make me feel happy again. Im young, so I really should just do it now, but the thought of changing the way I eat really scares me. Starting this weight loss journey really scares me. I don't love myself enough to do this, but now I don't have much of an option do I? There is just a hole that I have to fill, and now I won't have anything, I'll be forced to fill it another way, and I don't think I have the tools to do that. But there is another side of me that wants to be respected and appreciated. Who wants to feel good in clothes, and be seen as a sexual entity for people. I want to be beautiful, or at least feel beautiful, and I know what's been stopping that is the fact that I'm so overweight. I don't know, I feel lost.
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