I don't usually do this sort of thing. But I am writing this because it is something that has swallowed me whole, and I would not want anyone to go through what I have.
For context, I am a 17 year old girl - 5'7/170cm. I had maintained a 53kg/117lb weight for months. I gained weight during COVID - 61kg/134lbs. I hated my figure.
Thus began my weight loss journey. I'm a total nerd, at the top of my classes. I had a 99% average for Health last year for context. But never was I taught about healthy eating at school. So, in my mind, satiety = unhealthyness. Dumb? Yes.
I started eating less and less. Nuts are tiny, they must be less cals, right? But apples, oh those round large apples, they make me full, and so they must be high cals. Well, no apples for me! They make me full and feeling full means being fat.
And so, whenever my mom gave me breakfast, I would eat a bite in front of her. As she left the room, I'd throw it out. If I had soup, I would spill it out and make it look like the plate had soup 'residue' on it. Chips? I shall lick them and throw the rest out because spices = no cals, right?
My mindset was indeed fuc*ed.
I went to 47kg/103lbs in 5 months. I would check my weight 15-20 times on the scale a day. My most visited website was for calculating BMI. I was obsessed.
Then, my hair was falling. My nails were blue. My period was gone. I developed hyperthyroidism and other fun stuff. I was SO conscious of my body. I don't even use social media (where I would supposedly compare my bods to others), it's just this crappy mindset I had - it's origin, unknown.
Then, once in a while, I would eat. But when I eat, I thought: you're so skinny, you should eat. And so, as I stood in the kitchen one night, after not eating all week, I devoured 3 bowls of oatmeal. The next day, I saw my bloat, and felt like a monster. OP, I shall never do this again. But one week later, came another binge. Soon, these binges became biweekly, and eventually daily. I would not eat all day, and would eat eveyrthing at night. Example, one night, I ate: 6 bowls of oatmeal, 1/4 of a cereal box, half a jar of PB, and 3 bowls of nuts. I felt like it was healthy and thus okay for my body. By then, I understood WTF calories were, but hey, these foods were healthy so it's fiiiinne.
Fun anecdote: went to school one day. At lunch, I stopped at the dollar store, and impulsively brough 3 chocolate bars, even though I am am extremely frugal person (mind you, the total was $3) and never buy anything, ever. As I walked back, I had finished the 3. Went again after school to my local grocery store, and brough a jumbo box of tons of diff chocolates. Hid it from my parents and finished it in a night.
2 months later, my weight skyrocketed back to 61kg/134lbs.
Shit.
Hated myself again. And well, I am currently recovering. Trying to eat 3 meals a day. No midnight binges or daytime starving.
This, folks, is the wonderful, Binge Eating Disorder. My main message: don't become hyperfixated on numbers. Bloating is normal. Eat slowly, and don't starve.
Of course, these are things that I feel are important for myself, certainly not applicable for all of mankind y'know.
Also, I am a very sarcastic person. I realize my tone is not audible through text, and thus, I shall make clear: this eating disorder is not fun.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/xNUYvwy
