A little background: I’m 5’2”, 20 years old, and currently 130 from 165 (obese for my height), planning on getting down to 120 in the next few months. Though this isn’t a huge amount of weight, it was all I could think about for years. I’d compare myself to my thin friends and pick myself apart in the mirror to tears. I was convinced I would always be overweight.
After treatment of my OCD junior year of high school, my pre-existing anxiety and depression and the academic and social pressures led me to obsessively control a new compulsion: my weight. I started running and stopped eating, resulting in a semester of terrible restriction/binge cycles. I lost twenty pounds in two months (158 to 138) and was congratulated by my friends and family, fueling me to continue weighing myself multiple times a day and running until I felt lightheaded. I would stand in front of the mirror after spending hours at the gym, praying that what I saw in the mirror was not what others saw when they looked at me. I ended up gaining the weight back (+5 lbs) freshman year of college.
It’s taken so much to heal my relationship with food and exercise, and be able to lose weight in a healthy and sustainable way.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
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I had to appreciate & respect myself as I was BEFORE I lost the weight. This was ESSENTIAL. I couldn’t have lost it if I did not love myself and my body. A weight loss driven by resentment for myself was going to be unhealthy in nature and I knew I would end up gaining it back. My journey was driven by respect for myself and the knowledge that I deserve to live a life in a body that I am content with and comfortable in.
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Lose the weight in a sustainable way. Restricting calories too drastically will always end in binging for me. I realized that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life caught in that cycle, experiencing a complete lack of control around food. It’s terrifying not to feel in control of your body in that way. For me, this means exercising portion control, and not having “off limits” foods. When I’m happy with where my body is, that means the only diet changes I’ll be making are just increasing the amount of food that I’m already eating and enjoy, which is going to make it less likely that I’ll gain the weight back than reincorporating food groups that historically result in binges for me because I already allow myself to eat them in smaller amounts. For me, this looks like an 80/20 approach every single day.
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Eat when you’re hungry! If you’re starving, it means your body needs food. It’s taken me a while to distinguish between when I’m hungry, thirsty, or just bored, but if your stomach is growling and you feel like you need to eat something, have a snack. I used to try to cut out all snacking. This just resulted in overeating later in the day. Hunger fluctuates day to day. Listen to your body, honor it, and try to fuel it with good, healthy foods most of the time. I’ve learned that it’s okay to have even a week of maintenance if that’s what I need. Slow and steady.
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Exercise is absolutely not a punishment. When I was in the depths of my disordered eating, I started long distance running. Not because I loved it, but because I needed my calorie deficit to be as large as it could be. Now, my time exercising is typically my favorite part of the day. Figure out what exercise works for you. For me, it’s HIIT, strength training, hot yoga, and the occasional long run. I love even putting on a podcast and going for a walk. I exercise because I love seeing what my body is capable of and it feels so good to experience myself running faster and lifting heavier. It’s a mental game, and it feels good to win.
This is longer than I thought it would be, but I really hope it helps someone. I am the most confident I’ve ever been. I never thought I could be losing weight without my entire life revolving around food and exercise. It feels so, so good. And I want it for all of you.
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