F/31
I have spent the last 2 years or so focused — and I mean really focused and dedicated, to imy weight loss and overall fitness. I had lost about 120 lbs as of July 2024 and about 40lbs from my ultimate GW.
Because of a lot of personal events, I took a break around July. First it was my birthday, a few trips, unplanned meals with friends, and some personal stressors going on. I felt like I was exhausted from being in a deficit for so long and becoming obsessive and borderline disordered and made peace with taking a break. I meant for it to be a month or 2. But as holidays and family commitments revolving around food and another unexpected trip cropped up, suddenly 2 months became 6.
Somehow, my weighing and tracking all my meals and weighing myself daily to track trends as accurately as possible fell to the wayside and now feel foreign. I feel like I don’t know how I did it before and it feels hopeless to do it again.
In my initial weight loss, I went from a size 20/22 to a size 6/8. Now my jeans are too tight. I hadn’t been able to visibly see and acknowledge how much I lost, or how I’d gotten relatively small, but now I noticeably can see how big and bloated I look and my stomach is. I see a difference in the mirror and in clothes. Which horrifies me. Suddenly, I see a size 16 version of myself looking back at me again.
The scale said I had gained 15-22 lbs the two times I was brave enough to step on the scale since then and I’ve been terrified to step on again and face how badly I fucked things up and undid progress I worked so hard for.
Admittedly, one of those times was after eating earlier in the day. So not accurate. I also logically know that eating a ton more carbs and sugar than I have in years over the holidays (my toddler son loves baking with me, so we did and ate a lot of cookies) and have barely drank water, and also exercising less due to holiday schedules and cold weather, have probably caused bloating and water retention and I probably am not up as much as it appears. But then I think I am lying to myself, and I’ve gained over 20lbs and I broke my achievement of losing 100+ lbs for some stupid desserts and cheat meals.
I feel like a failure. A fat failure. I need to know it’s possible to restart, that this doesn’t mean I can’t meet my goal weight. I would love to feel inspired by some of your successes, or at least some solidarity. I’m ready for a fresh start.
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