I figured I would post this, a shameful little thing I decided to share rather than keep to myself just in case it helps someone else that has done something similar recently and is struggling with it.
My husband and I ate out this afternoon at our favorite Mexican place that we haven't been to in a while. We knew we could budget our calories for it since we missed breakfast. That in itself wasn't too bad beyond skewing my macros, meaning I would need to make something low calorie, but nutritious for dinner. I figured vegetable soup would do the trick. Not perfect, but it would balance out the heaviness of our lunch and leave room for a lighter snack as well.
My mistake came in refusing to eat a snack when my stomach was most definitely declaring hunger that I couldn't easily ignore. I was being greedy (and obsessive) and wanted to have a slightly bigger deficit tonight like I had last night. I thought I would be okay. I was ravenous when I finally broke, nine hours later. My vegetables refused to cook through and I knew dinner would be later then expected and probably wouldn't be done until midnight.
So I had a granola bar (190 cal), but then I kept going. I had an egg (70 cal), then the other granola bar I was saving for tomorrow (190) and three pieces of cheese (240 cal). For those of you that don't feel like doing the math, I managed to eat 690 calories in less than five minutes. I knew as I was reaching for that stinking cheese that I needed to stop. I knew I needed to step away from that open refrigerator door, read a book, do ANYTHING to distract myself somehow and break the fixation. But I couldn't.
Some people will probably disagree, but in that moment I. Could. Not. Stop. In my head I was getting upset and ashamed of myself. When I did manage to stop I wanted to cry because I've been doing SO GOOD. The water weight I've been retaining from starting strength exercises is finally starting to come off, I woke up today almost five pounds lighter. I haven't even went over my calorie goal, which I have set up for a 2lb/week loss in a couple of weeks. While some days have been a battle with hunger I've been determined and focused, doing what needs to be done knowing that my hard work will show up on the scale one pound at a time. And yet tonight I proved that I still have the self control of a toddler.
Since I'm being totally honest I would be remiss to not admit that I considered briefly to run to the bathroom and throw up all of those calories I had consumed. I wanted to fix my mistake, but I didn't. How messed up that mentality is, is not lost on me. I am very much aware that my relationship with food should probably be addressed by someone with a fancy title after their name and a comfy couch.
I know I need to forgive myself. I know I also need to not push myself so hard. I'm doing too much, too fast and obsessing over every single calorie. Dieting shouldn't be absolutely miserable. If it is, you're probably doing it wrong. Massive weight loss is a long journey. A marathon, not a sprint. I didn't get to 330 pounds in a year and I shouldnt try taking all that weight off in a year either.
I'm trying to focus on the positive in this. Before I would have kept going, went and got a bunch of candy or bought some fast food too. Fried something that doesn't even make sense to fry just to eat it. To consume everything I could find until I felt sick. I didn't do that tonight. It took a few minutes, but I stopped. I don't even think I went over my calorie goal, though I'm so close it's hard to say for sure considering the only real meal I've had came from a restaurant.
Either way, today is just a bump in the road. Tomorrow will be better.
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