A rambling tale of failure and depression.

I'm in my mid 40s and I've been heavy nearly my whole life. When I was very young I was thin and for a short time after hitting puberty I was normal weight but other than that I've always been the kid that had to wear the "husky" pants. When I 20 I made it to within 20-30 lbs of "normal" weight for a year before quickly gaining again. The most I've ever weight was just over 310 (I'm 5'10") and that was in the first quarter of last year.

I've been on just about every "diet" you can imagine. Last year, starting July 1st I concentrated on cutting calories and moving more and sticking to it. I made monthly appointments with my doctor with the goal of meeting the 6 month diet prerequisite for weight loss surgery. I tracked my daily steps and calories in myfitnesspal, used a fitbit, and bought a digital scale with blue tooth so that could be tracked too.

For the month of July I made a lot of progress but my diet was very strict, only eating about 500-800 calories a day and definitely not going over 1000. After my first doctor appointment where I showed him all my logs I changed to 1200 calories a day and found that a lot easier to deal with but I still struggled with feeling like I was getting enough to eat and getting enough fiber in my diet. However, I was in a good place physically and mentally and managed to keep this going til the end of October.

Towards the end of October an ex coworker of mine, a guy I knew for 16 years and felt like a brother to me (even more than my own brothers) died from cancer. November was tough, I just didn't have my head in it anymore. I managed to continue to lose a few pounds by the end of the month but only because I fasted before the doctor's appointment. By my December appointment, I'd gained 6 lbs and had to tell my doctor I just could not manage to continue the diet that month. That was my last doctor's appointment for the 6 month prerequisite and I failed.

In January I lost all pretext to dieting. Without someone to be held accountable to I found it harder and harder to track my calories and eventually stopped. Ate all the things I'd been denying myself while telling myself I can go back to dieting again and lose weight like I did in that first month last year. I just needed to get my head right and then I could start again.

I've had a lot of false starts since then, none of them lasting a week and most not lasting a day. My head still isn't right, I'll be perfectly fine and then I'll feel like crying. I've suffered from depression many times in my life but I've never had it feel like this where it sneaks up on you, makes you feel like crying, then goes away and you're left thinking "what was that about?". I have dreams that include my dead friend at least once a week and most end with me realizing he's dead and I'm just dreaming although last week I dreamt he was fine and it was all a mistake, he wasn't dead and that was really confusing to deal with when I woke up.

Last week I found something that might be cancer and had to make a doctor's appointment for. For a moment, I considered not doing anything about it but if it is cancer it's one that most people survive and would take ages to metastasize and even then it doesn't move much further than the lymph nodes. So, if I ignored it, it would just make my life hell but not kill me. I also have people who depend on me and "letting" something kill me is just too close to killing myself and that's just not something I could do to my family. I have too many obligations for that to be an option.

Last week was also the 1 year anniversary of when I started dieting last year and I weigh the same as I did then. I'd lost nearly 50 pounds total but I've gained most of it back, 299 on the scale this morning. Disgusting. Even more disgusting is I have to get an ultrasound tomorrow and I feel sorry for the poor tech that has to see my naked ugliness. I'm especially sensitive to how gross I look now because 6 months ago I looked so much better. It's ironic that I have to go back to the doctor again, having gained my weight back since I last saw him, since one of the reasons I wasn't going to my doctor this year was to avoid having to pay the minimums all over again, I just can't afford it.

Things feel pretty hopeless for me. I know exactly where I will be in 6 months if I somehow found the motivation and got in the right mindset but I don't see myself doing it and frankly, I want more weightloss than I had achieved. I hate to say this but it's also something that shocked me when I said it to my doctor last December... "I can't". I can't seem to lose weight, I can't seem to stick with it. I'm a loser and a failure.

I just... I just can't. I feel like I've completely and totally proven to myself that "losing it" isn't something I can do.

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Cool trick for stopping temptations dead in their tracks

OK in a nutshell: as soon as an off-plan food decision is presented to you, or someone offers you something, LOG it in your “Things I didn’t eat” log. It’s as satisfying as logging the food you do eat. You also get instant credit for making a good decision. Good kid!

How to: Open a simple note page on your phone. Add the date, and just capture when you catch yourself considering having something off-plan. Write it down. You didn’t eat it. Give yourself a pat on the back.

See if you can relate to me: I’m 1/3 the way on my weight loss journey. Making good progress. When everything is planned and controlled (like at home) I can do really well. When I’m out in the wild: It’s like what will I eat next?? If you’re like that, try that trick! I’d be surprised if someone didn’t think of this already, yet I hadn’t seen anyone mention it before. And I struggled pretty bad with it.

Long version:

I started tracking mid-March, and mostly I’ve found success from planning ahead. I meal plan on Sundays with my husband, and then every night, I log what I’ll eat the next day. Honed down to a breakfast and lunch that is roughly the same all week.

Less decisions to make means more success. I just don’t have to think about food, and it’s completely changed the game for me.

However, when I’m out and about, there’s a whole world of temptation. FOOD absolutely everywhere. Airports, train stations, events, friends houses. It’s like some Will Wonka wonderland with lick-able wallpaper.

And this starts the whole cycle that wears me down. “Will I? Won’t I?” Turns into “Which one?” The decision to even have food is one open question all the time when I’m out and about and my plan is out the window.

I should say, when I eat ”whatever,” I don’t feel guilty. That was a big breakthrough for me. I log everything and correct myself, get back on track. But I have to do that whole dance again. As someone said, it’s like dropping your mobile phone, you don’t STOMP on it, you pick it up. But it’s hard. It’s extra calories, it slows you down.

It also makes me feel like, how can I live like this? I really felt out of control and confused. I can’t live like a hermit in my refuge of orderly meal planning.

Then this tactic revealed itself to me, as I texted my husband from the airport: I sent him a list of all the things I didn’t get at the airport. I wanted credit, I think, for being a good kid.

And it felt good. I copied it into a note on my phone and since I’ve been on holiday, I’ve been keeping this running log of all the things I would normally be tempted to get.

Say out of 5 things i came across, I would probably have chosen ONE and felt good that “at least I’m only getting a donut,” and I didn’t also get - the bar, the bag of snacks, the pastry, the fancy coffee, the ice cream, whatever! The mind is amazing at rationalising anything.

Now, with this trick, I am finally able to stop myself in that moment. I pop out of the will-i-won’t-i trance. I log it. And the bubble is popped.

I’m getting better too. I avoided walking down a whole food aisle in a shop recently. Because, I didn’t want log like 6 diff things. And when I was visiting my friends place she asked “Did I show you where all the snacks and sweets are?” I said NO! Don’t even show me :)

It feels like a next-level magic trick has unlocked for me.

I hope this helps you.

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How do you work through the lows - after a large weight loss.

Hello LoseIt,

I've been floundering a little, and thought I would take a few minutes to write out my experience and possibly seek some anecdotes from folks (so thank you in advance, if you share). I would say advice, but I am at the park in my journey where I have all the knowledge and education I need to be a healthier and better person, but, right now, for the first time, I am back up to a place I don't want to be.

Backstory / Almost 7 years ago, I was edging on 300 lbs. and something inside of me shook awake and I joined a weight loss program with some friends. I ended up sticking with it, really hardcore, and lost about 110 lbs. I went from doing nothing to running races (eventually to a marathon), joined CrossFit and did competitions, entirely changed my diet (from eating pizza, fried chicken, and lots of soda) to eating paleo, etc. This was a slow and gradual change that took about 2 years or so (so I didn't go from eating like trash person to eating paleo overnight). I am usually a very extreme kind of person, and go ALL out when I do something, which helped me in this department.

Maintenance has been a different story - and I know this is the hard part because it is the long haul, but about 4 years ago, I graduated college, started my first full-time job, came out of the closet and started dating, was dealing with my new identity as a fit individual, had a very first tumultuous relationship, eventually left my college-town that I lived in for a decade and moved to a place I knew only a few people, bought my first house, dated - dated - dated, met a wonderful man and asked him to move in with me with his 5 -year-old daughter (so became a parent), and recently just bought a house with him and am dealing with moving.

That's the quick and dirty of the central stressors over the last 5 years, that I know have contributed to my up and down. I've participated in several work weight loss programs and won them each time - so I go down about 20, but then within the next 4 months, I am back up. Currently, I won't even weigh myself because I know I am the heaviest I have been since I started losing weight.

It's all in the motivation, I just feel tired and fatigued (partially because of the food I am eating - I know, but when you are stressed, eating food you like is calming at the time).

I've told myself that I won't get back to where I was, and I am certainly not at this point, but a large portion of my clothes don't fit, and I refuse to buy new ones, but it's becoming a problem. My boyfriend loves me however I am, but I am starting to not feel comfortable with my clothes off (which was something that took me my entire life to get over). It's not inhibiting my actions so much so far, but the way I feel about myself and, in turn, that will eventually reflect in my behavior. I haven't been to the gym in a couple of months, and I am going to try and get there today, but I thought I was just put this out there and see what people have to say - if you have been in a similar situation after losing a large amount of weight. I don't want my story to be the person who lost it and then gained it back. I feel happiest when I at my comfort weight (about 175), and am probably about 50 lbs. from there now. I feel healthy and good about myself. It's not a matter of being lazy either, as, with the move, I've been working on projects all the time, but I need to focus on this as well, but when the time comes to get up and go to the gym, it just doesn't happen.

The biggest problem is the food though. Even last night, we had grilled chicken and mashed potatoes, and I ate it so fast, you wouldn't know it was ever on the plate. At a certain point, my boyfriend got up, and I grabbed two more pieces and more, and ate half of that before he even returned. That's the part he doesn't seem. I told him because there is shame in overeating, and it's not something I am proud of, but it also feels as if I am satiating something in me. I know my speed is a huge issue in eating, it's almost as if my brain is telling me to eat so fast that I can't think about what I have eaten until it's too late (and then feel guilty). My old therapist says I need to be kinder to myself, but that part is hard when you really want to stop eating, but something inside you won't' let you.

I've tamed it before, but over the last 5 years, it's been up and down, and each time, the pendulum swing is greater.

How have folks who have had significant weight loss been able to get back on track (long-long term)? I know we all stumble and fall, but I think the constant gaining and losing weight isn't healthy either.

​

Thank you for taking time out to listen to my story and thank you in advance for any anecdotes/tips you have - this sub was one of the primary motivating factors I would rely on during my initial weight loss!

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I have Aspergers and an eating disorder and have recently lost a lot of weight, and a big portion of my friends are on diets - what are some things I can say to them in encouragement without encouraging ED thoughts when we discuss healthy weight loss?

In the midst of my disordered thoughts and already problematic communication skills, I feel as though I’m struggling to respond to things they say about weight loss such as I wish I could do what you did. Hhowever I didn’t do it healthily and don’t know how to healthily motivate people that ask for it, because I myself do not think these healthy, good, sensible weight loss thoughts and I recognise it to be a problem but I wouldn’t want to accidentally lead my precious friends towards eating problems, over exercising and undereating just because I buggered up my words.

Specific things (modified ever so slightly bc I can’t remember exact wording) I’ve not known how to respond to are

“I wish I could be a fly on the wall and live with you so I could achieve significant weight loss too”

“My diet is going well!” I struggled knowing how to congratulate without coming off like they were ugly or bad before, because of how I see my own self at bigger weights and I wouldn’t want it to come off like “great, you fat fuck, now keep losing so you’re more acceptable to me” because that’s not at all my intent but a lot of my immediate responses could seem like it

Noticing people’s weight loss, am I meant to mention it or am I meant to stay quiet, as I myself love and hate it at the same time and wish it wasn’t my sole focus of myself. I wouldn’t want it to come off like “ooh you finally lost the flab then” or come off insulting / patronising

As a result of my not knowing what to say I fear I may come off as insensitive/ insincere, but I think I’m just, struggling generally so any and all suggestions are welcomed and appreciated with thanks

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Dieting in Dysfunction

tl;dr-Did anyone else live in a house where everyone else was obese and refused to change? How did (or would) you overcome a dysfunctional home life and upbringing in order to lose weight? Do you think I should just try not to worry about my weight for a couple of months until I'm hopefully out of my crazy house and on my own? When money is an issue, what do you do about only owning unhealthy food?

How does one have a proper diet amongst a dysfunctional family? Especially a dysfunctional family that struggles with obesity. I just graduated High School and I've been thinking a lot about my weight, and how I didn't think I'd still be fat after High School. I don't know, I guess I had the idea that'd I'd grow out of my weight. I'm 6 ft tall and weigh around 300-320 lbs (I don't own a working scale.) I've lost a good amount of weight before, around 50 lbs, but I'd eventually gain it all back because of a diminishing homelife. My mom was an abusive alcoholic, now she's just an alcoholic. She's still crazy, she just can't lay her hands on me. My dad is a bit of a derp, to be honest. He has a minor form of dementia and has lots of physical pains that restrict his movement. He and I are close, but I can't really go to him for any kind of advice because of his strange nature and inability to communicate sometimes.

Both of my parents are or were obese. My mom was since she was a child, but my dad used to be a bodybuilder in his prime. He's retained a lot of his muscle mass but eats poorly. My mother had gastric bypass, and she has lost a substantial amount of weight, but because of her alcoholism, she's gained back some of it. My family is definitely on the poorer side. We make around 25,000 dollars a year combined, so we really only eat cheap garbage food. I know a ton about what goes into making a good diet, but I never had the right food at my disposal.

It doesn't help that my parents will sometimes harass me for wanting to eat better. My dad unintentionally, but my mom will become offended if I ever ask about eating healthier because she assumes it's an attack on her as a mother. I also believe my mother has purposefully bought unhealthy food when I was losing weight. That's something my therapist talked about. How people in a dysfunctional environment will try to bring others down if they see them making better choices.

I don't know man, I've been running on the elliptical every day for the past three days, but I haven't been eating the healthy food I'd like. I might be going away to college soon, and I've been thinking that I can just wait until then to focus on my weight. But this is my last summer before the big world. I don't have a lot of friends, I don't talk to anyone really (not that I don't want to.) I want to make the most of this summer before I leave, even though the odds are against me, I live in the middle of nowhere. I'm planning on going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight to talk about my mother's drinking with strangers, just desperately looking for communication, not even answers. I thought about "blogging" on here with the whole day 1, day 2, kind of posts but I don't know how far that'd go. IN CONCLUSION, I was wondering if anyone else dealt with similar things during their weight loss journey? Did anyone else live in a house where everyone else was obese and refused to change? How have you overcome a dysfunctional home life and upbringing in order to lose weight? Do you think I should just try not to worry about my weight for a couple of months until I'm hopefully out on my own? When money is an issue, what do you do about only owning unhealthy food? Thanks for reading, Chunk.

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Start Today

Hi everyone!

I’ve been a lurker here for a long time but am active on fatlogic and other boards. I find people’s stories and “whys” such a huge inspiration.

I thought it was time to throw myself out there, as this weekend was my 6th anniversary of when I decided to make my change. I also wanted to use this as a chance to remind myself (and others) that weight loss is not a linear path. You WILL have ups and downs. The challenge to us all is to rise above the setbacks and persevere.

I have been overweight or obese my entire life. Long story that comes down to not being taught proper eating and bad habits established early in life. I went off to college and BOOM! Blew up with access to buffet cafeteria food, sedentary hobbies, and social ineptness (no adult friends for a long time). I finished school, married a great guy, and life continued on.

About a year after I was married I attended the wedding of my best college friend. It was a great night. Then I saw pictures of myself the next day. I was floored. Did I really look that bad? I decided to go step on the ancient scale in our bathroom that gathered dust when we were too lazy to move it when cleaning.

318 pounds.

BMI 49.8

To say I was floored was an understatement. I knew I had PCOS, but I was managing it through meds and we weren’t trying to have a kid, so I never gave it much other thought at the time. I knew we wanted to start trying soon, but it was always this thing we were going to do at some point, the way you get to 30 years old yet not really realize that yes, you’re an adult and need to be fully functioning.

I decided then and there that things needed to change. MFP at the time was intimidating to me, but I knew people that had success on weight watchers, so I signed up that day for their online only program. The next day was my birthday, and we celebrated by going to The Cheesecake Factory 🙄

Alright, if you’re serious scoutiesteph, you have to figure this out even with bad choices in front of you.

I blew all my treat points in one meal. Awesome first week.

People who have never been that obese don’t understand sometimes that it’s not easy changing your habits. They’re used to self-regulating, dieting for a week or two, or using some crash program and then fitting into their jeans again. I was and will forever be battling a food addiction. I have no sense of “full;” I have hungry and stuffed. I don’t have a My 600 Pound Life story- I wasn’t traumatized or molested. I have a NPD mother, but a supportive family who helped me through my childhood. I’d like to think I’m a well adjusted adult.

I just love food.

Yesterday I celebrated six years and my 31st birthday. In this period I have dropped 142 pounds, had two wonderful kids, and became a group fitness instructor (Body Combat for life!!)

I still struggle. I will always love food.

I have 25 pounds to go to my goal weight that my doctor asked me to hit all those years ago. I really want to do it this year. But I have gained so much. Strength. Confidence. Physical ability I didn’t know I had. I would love to pick up another teaching certificate. Maybe one day I’ll even be in a place where I could look at switching careers- I found a love of fitness and want to give that to others.

My point is this. If you’re debating making the change, don’t wait. Start now. You don’t know where you’ll be a year from now, or six. Don’t expect perfection. Expect every day will be hard.

Put in the work, because your future deserves it.

My friend’s wedding

2 years in, 100 pounds down

Post Body Combat selfie, 25 to go

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stuck at almost 30lbs down, I have another 50 I want to go but the weight wont budge

So I'm not going to BS you, I'm not perfect and I cheated 1 full weekend and on the 4th I ate some carbs. However this issue has been around for a while.

​

So far my weight loss in May a whopping 20 lbs! I went from 278.8 down to 258 even. June came around and keeping the same methods that I did in May I got down to 252 around the third week of June. And I havent been able to get the weight to budge.

The few things I changed in that time is I am currently on my third week of weight lifting. I currently do a 3 day heavy lifting program, and about 2 hours of cardio every Tuesday. With this new lifting I have incorporated protein shakes and creatine.

I'm frustrated because I haven't seen weight loss and I really wanted to be down more weight at this point. Any tips or advice?

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