I'm in my mid 40s and I've been heavy nearly my whole life. When I was very young I was thin and for a short time after hitting puberty I was normal weight but other than that I've always been the kid that had to wear the "husky" pants. When I 20 I made it to within 20-30 lbs of "normal" weight for a year before quickly gaining again. The most I've ever weight was just over 310 (I'm 5'10") and that was in the first quarter of last year.
I've been on just about every "diet" you can imagine. Last year, starting July 1st I concentrated on cutting calories and moving more and sticking to it. I made monthly appointments with my doctor with the goal of meeting the 6 month diet prerequisite for weight loss surgery. I tracked my daily steps and calories in myfitnesspal, used a fitbit, and bought a digital scale with blue tooth so that could be tracked too.
For the month of July I made a lot of progress but my diet was very strict, only eating about 500-800 calories a day and definitely not going over 1000. After my first doctor appointment where I showed him all my logs I changed to 1200 calories a day and found that a lot easier to deal with but I still struggled with feeling like I was getting enough to eat and getting enough fiber in my diet. However, I was in a good place physically and mentally and managed to keep this going til the end of October.
Towards the end of October an ex coworker of mine, a guy I knew for 16 years and felt like a brother to me (even more than my own brothers) died from cancer. November was tough, I just didn't have my head in it anymore. I managed to continue to lose a few pounds by the end of the month but only because I fasted before the doctor's appointment. By my December appointment, I'd gained 6 lbs and had to tell my doctor I just could not manage to continue the diet that month. That was my last doctor's appointment for the 6 month prerequisite and I failed.
In January I lost all pretext to dieting. Without someone to be held accountable to I found it harder and harder to track my calories and eventually stopped. Ate all the things I'd been denying myself while telling myself I can go back to dieting again and lose weight like I did in that first month last year. I just needed to get my head right and then I could start again.
I've had a lot of false starts since then, none of them lasting a week and most not lasting a day. My head still isn't right, I'll be perfectly fine and then I'll feel like crying. I've suffered from depression many times in my life but I've never had it feel like this where it sneaks up on you, makes you feel like crying, then goes away and you're left thinking "what was that about?". I have dreams that include my dead friend at least once a week and most end with me realizing he's dead and I'm just dreaming although last week I dreamt he was fine and it was all a mistake, he wasn't dead and that was really confusing to deal with when I woke up.
Last week I found something that might be cancer and had to make a doctor's appointment for. For a moment, I considered not doing anything about it but if it is cancer it's one that most people survive and would take ages to metastasize and even then it doesn't move much further than the lymph nodes. So, if I ignored it, it would just make my life hell but not kill me. I also have people who depend on me and "letting" something kill me is just too close to killing myself and that's just not something I could do to my family. I have too many obligations for that to be an option.
Last week was also the 1 year anniversary of when I started dieting last year and I weigh the same as I did then. I'd lost nearly 50 pounds total but I've gained most of it back, 299 on the scale this morning. Disgusting. Even more disgusting is I have to get an ultrasound tomorrow and I feel sorry for the poor tech that has to see my naked ugliness. I'm especially sensitive to how gross I look now because 6 months ago I looked so much better. It's ironic that I have to go back to the doctor again, having gained my weight back since I last saw him, since one of the reasons I wasn't going to my doctor this year was to avoid having to pay the minimums all over again, I just can't afford it.
Things feel pretty hopeless for me. I know exactly where I will be in 6 months if I somehow found the motivation and got in the right mindset but I don't see myself doing it and frankly, I want more weightloss than I had achieved. I hate to say this but it's also something that shocked me when I said it to my doctor last December... "I can't". I can't seem to lose weight, I can't seem to stick with it. I'm a loser and a failure.
I just... I just can't. I feel like I've completely and totally proven to myself that "losing it" isn't something I can do.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/32hKQeY
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