The highest weight that ever showed on the scale was 250 lbs, in high school. I brought that down to 220, just as I was starting to get remarks from friends and family about my loss, then I just lost steam... Gained back to 230, maintained that for awhile.
My junior year of college I really hit a good stride. I had a gym at my apartment and I'd work out intensely 5 days a week, and loved it. Cooked all of my meals from scratch. I don't think I was weighing myself then but I'm sure I must have been losing weight.
A year and a half ago, I broke my ankle. Completely threw me off my workout routine, and my cooking. I let that excuse go for a lot longer than it should have. Went through a depressive episode, stress from finishing grad school and trying to find a job, just a general funk that lasted over a year. The thought of exercising more than walking my dog and having reasonable portions was just unthinkable.
Past few weeks the fog has started to clear. I've gotten back into cooking, portion control, exercise. I've been feeling great. I figured it was time to weigh myself. I thought about trying to take a picture or video of my weight without looking at it, so that I could compare my weight loss later on without having to actually be faced with how much I gained the past couple years. But that didn't feel right. So I looked.
274.4 lbs. 5'8" 23yo female. I want to throw up.
The thing is, I barely feel any different. My clothes still fit. I can't really see any obvious changes in my body besides stretch marks. But then again, I didn't feel any different when I was at 220 lbs. How can someone lose 30 lbs, then gain back 50, without feeling any different? How were other people able to notice that I was losing weight when I-- even when comparing before/after pictures-- couldn't see the slightest change, except for the number on the scale? I still don't understand that.
The one bright spot is that in spite of all this, I have been successful at making positive changes the past few weeks. Not just sticking to a calorie budget, but avoiding sugar (my main vice), limiting carbs, having bowls full of leafy greens every day (and enjoying it), identifying and acting on my triggers for overeating, and exercising not just for the sake of increasing my calorie allowance. I am terrified and so deeply ashamed. But I will try.
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