This past year has been a pretty terrible one for me (24M). i graduated college in may 2018 and moved to a new city with my at the time fiancee. I started a job I don't enjoy, to support my Fiancee and start our lives together. I worked my ass off while she did nothing. once she found a job, she started cheating within 2 weeks of the job, and 2 months later in october 2018, we got married. shortly after the wedding i discovered her affair. on our 1 month wedding anniversary, she moved in with her new boyfriend. a few weeks later, i sustained a debilitating spinal injury i still struggle with to this day.
Needless to say, the fallout of ending a manipulative, borderline abusive relationship, and dealing with chronic pain has not made things easy. i spent the last 9 months trying to survive one day at a time, but i haven't really been living. i haven't really been taking care of myself minus the bare minimum to keep myself alive and psychologically well enough to wake up in the morning.
This past week, my company decided to retake our headshots for our website, and when i saw the pictures, i was so disappointed with myself. i dressed nice, got my hair cut, wore my new glasses, but despite everything, i'm just undeniably fat. i can't find stylish clothes which fit in most stores (i'm right between a 2x and 3x in shirts, and i have a 46" waist) and i can't hide the fact that i just look and feel bad. i'm always tired, i'm out of shape, and i have little luck in the dating world. something has to give.
i started logging foods last week, which i've done before but never actually stuck to. Today is the first day i am actively choosing foods to stay around my goals. i had a light, healthy breakfast, and have already logged my lunch, with plans for a light dinner. i really want it to stick this time.
i am currently 6'3" and 336lbs. my goal is 240, because it's what my doctors always told me as a kid my healthy adult weight would be. it seems high, but people routinely mistake me for 250lbs because of my stature. in high school i weight 235, and people would guess 180-190.
weight loss has been a struggle since high school. at 17, i went from 310 down to 230 lbs with basically no effort. i didn't adjust my foods, i didn't log, i just ate slightly less, and i ran 2 miles a day. i dropped 80lbs in the course of 8 months and made almost no lifestyle changes. ever since, when i gained it back, i figured it would come just as easy, and i couldn't have been more wrong. it's a major psychological hurdle to get over. the same weight loss will take 4x more effort now that i have a sedentary job and responsibilities, as well as trauma and injuries to overcome.
it seems shallow, but my main goals are aesthetic so far. I know my health is important, but I was in a serious relationship from as soon as i turned 18 until recently. there are so many young, good looking people having fun and dating and hooking up and i don't want to miss that because i'm fat. i'm almost halfway through my twenties, and i dont want to miss out on being 25 and having fun and hooking up with cute girls. I'm 24 and feel like 65 because nobody looks my way and my body is failing me.
longer term, i just want to feel okay. i have a bad knee and a bulging disc in my spine which i know weight loss would help alleviate. i am often too tired to properly exercise my dog, and i get tired even walking down stairs. i live on the second floor and constantly argue with myself over whether it's worth it to walk out to my car to get something i forgot in it. it's 200 feet away from my front door, it shouldn't even be a question. this won't get any easier with age unless something changes.
all i want is to look good, feel good, and not miss out on my 20s. any advice or encouragement as i start this new chapter would be great. it all seems so unattainable and far away, but others have had success, why not me?
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