Everyone in my life is either obese or thin, I'd say only one person is really in the middle ground between that. Of those that are significantly overweight, only one has lost weight, but that only came after surgery and she's actually started to put some back on again. So, while I know people in my life who would be willing to listen, I'm not so sure how much they would understand this. Since I've lurked here for over a year, I figure I would share with anyone willing to read this.
I should probably give some history. I'm a 32 year old, 6 ft tall Male. I've been overweight pretty much my whole life. My highest all time weight was 415 lbs. A few years ago, some friends turned me onto CICO and I had some success dropping down to 360 lbs over the course of a few months, but then I stopped for no particular reason other than the stress of my job at the time made me not care. I put on 20 lbs but maintained my weight of 380 for quite some time. In 2017 I joined my local gym and dropped back down to 360 lbs in just a few weeks, told my cousin and he arranged a weight loss contest. Before the contest I figured I would give myself a last hurrah of eating and climbed back up to 380. Contest lasted 3 months and I dropped down to 320 lbs. I won the contest felt pretty good, but fell off the wagon really hard. The contest ended just before Thanksgiving and I stopped dieting and going to the gym all through the holidays and into the following year. I climbed back up to 360 lbs (this number is a curse on my life). I went back to the gym and got back on my diet 1 year ago today. I went from the scale reading 360.6 lbs to 276.2 lbs this morning. My goal was to lose 100 lbs and I obviously didn't reach that goal because there were days or weeks where I took breaks and the occasional binge eating session (which for me can also have the possibility of lasting a few days). But, 84 lbs lost in a year is nothing to scoff at and I should be proud.
Thing is, I don't really feel all that proud. Is that weird? Has anyone else had a similar experience? I see myself every single day, so when I look at me, I just see the same person I've always seen with the exact same weight problem I've always had. I look the same and feel that nothing has changed. I know things have changed, I record my weight every week, I have the numbers and graphs, I see the scale, I've even gone through my closet and found some new old clothes I can wear and had to replace belts along the way. My favorite coat which hadn't fit me when I bought it to the point I couldn't button it completely is starting to feel a little baggy.
I think not having anyone to talk to or share my experiences with might contribute to this feeling. I internalize all my accomplishments, failures, and hardships whether they be with food, cravings, discipline, bingeing or with working out, frequency/motivation. I have a policy where if no one asks me about my weight loss, I dont talk about it. I feel like it ends up sounding braggy when I talk about my successes and whiney when I talk about my failures. There are people that would ask me about it but then stopped and I don't just offer it up because I think they probably stopped asking for a reason. Others have asked me not to talk about my workouts or diet with them and so I try not to.
I end up telling myself that when I hit certain weights, I'll reward myself with certain foods, but I know that's a bad idea and I end up not rewarding myself because I just put in all that effort, I dont want to screw it up now. That being said though, I do allow myself a cheat day every week or two because I learned from previous dieting failures that depriving myself entirely of the things I want to eat will result in my giving up altogether all over again.
I've been trying to lose weight for more than half my life at this point and maybe I had minor successes, but always ended up failing. Now i ended up taking everything that worked from each attempt, grouped those things together and adjusted the things i failed at to make those things easier to deal with and i think i got to a point where I've been able to make lifestyle changes that i can stick with so that I can maintain my momentum now, and when I'm at a weight I'm comfortable with, maintain that as well.
I know this is a long meandering post, but I felt like I needed to get this off my chest. If you've read this far, just, thank you.
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