DISCLAIMER: First, this is going to be long. Second, I'm not a professional (though I have consulted with one on this stuff). Third, as with anything, take what resonates and leave the rest.
There's a TLDR at the bottom, though it's kinda obvious.
My mental struggle throughout the years
I've been heavy my entire life. I've also been a depressed/anxious wreck for my entire life. Seriously, I had my first panic attack in the third grade and my mom had to come get me (we didn't know what it was at the time, just assumed it was a fluke).
Throughout my teen years, I was having panic attacks at least once a week, and as much as twice daily. At my peak anxiety, around twenty years old, I spent a solid month having 4-5 panic attacks each day. Yep, 4-5 full blown panic attacks each. day. for over a MONTH.
My self-worth (or lack thereof)
Since adolescence, I've tied my self-worth and identity to my weight.
I can see all the good in me. I'm empathetic. I'm kind and compassionate. I'm extremely giving. I'm smart. I'm thoughtful. I go out of my way for others and expect very little in return.
But it was never enough. Because I was the fat girl.
Being fat negated every single good quality I had. Why? Because I saw skinny girls who could do anything. They could be mean. Cold. Catty. Selfish. And it never mattered. Because they were skinny. And skinny meant worthy.
I was not worthy.
There were three points in my life where I shattered this belief.
My brief (but important) breakthroughs
- I was fifteen. I'd just discovered I had a gluten allergy and cut it out, which made my bloating go away, cleared my acne-ridden skin, gave me mental clarity, and a whole lot more. A holistic doctor gave me an eating plan, which I followed carefully. I ate the same exact thing every day. I did not count calories. I ate when I was hungry. I adjusted when needed. I did not step foot on a scale for four months. My mind cleared. I felt happy, confident, worthy. I finally hopped on the scale and noticed that I'd lost 40lbs in that time. My mental health later declined and it was all gained back.
- I was seventeen. I'd made new friends after a very difficult falling out with my childhood friends. We went out often and formed very close relationships rather quickly. They adored me for all those good things I mentioned earlier. My self-esteem soared. I felt worthy again. We ate out daily. Our routine consisted of me picking up 2-4 of them bright and early and dropping into a diner or an IHOP. We'd indulge. Sometime in the afternoon, we'd get fast food. Chinese, KFC, deli food, whatever. Dinner was normally eaten at home. We spent the entire day outdoors and loving life. I did not step on a scale. When I finally did, I'd lost 30lbs. My mental health again declined, and I gained it back.
- Twenty-two. I was freshly single for the first time in over four years. I was happy, confident, excelling in my career. I felt like a million bucks despite being at my highest weight. I met a man who adored me. Loved every inch of me. Couldn't get enough of me. I stepped on a scale about 2 months into our relationship, and without changing a thing, I'd lost 15lbs. Again, mental health declined and progress was undone.
What was going on between these (brief) breakthroughs...
What I didn't detail above is that in between all of those times, I was dieting. Keto, low carb, CICO, WW, Whole30, 21DF, Carb Cycling, EVERYTHING. Over and over and over again.
I didn't half-ass a single one. I was diligent. I worked hard. I did not see any sustainable results. The best results came from WW, which helped me lose just under 20lbs and led to several mental breakdowns. The rest did a maximum of 2-5lbs before stalling for months on end (which, of course, led to me throwing in the towel and hating myself even more than before).
Why am I sharing all this?
Because I finally realized my key, and it's not a particular diet. It's all about my brain.
When I'm happy and relaxed and feel valued by those around me, I lose weight effortlessly, whether I'm eating according to a strict plan or eating total crap with my stoner friends. It didn't make a difference. The weight fell off.
When I'm stressed and swimming in a pool of self-hatred 24/7, I can do every little thing right and NOTHING changes. I. can. not. lose. weight. while. sad. End of story.
Sooooo... who cares?
There are plenty of "normal" people on here who are just fine doing CICO, keto, or whatever other diet there is. You want to be more confident, yes, but you feel like a person no matter what your weight is. You're working to improve your body and as difficult as it is, you know it's worth it.
But there are also people like me. People who feel worthless, anxious, depressed. People who don't see a single redeemable quality in themselves because the only thing that matters is their weight/appearance. People who become obsessed when they try to count calories and constantly yo-yo between "this is the only way I'll ever be worthy!" and "who even cares, I'm a waste of space, might as well eat a pizza."
There are people like me who are suffering so deeply in their own minds, no diet will work. And even when one does, it won't last, because the real problem is never dealt with.
The real problem?
The real problem is that you don't love yourself. You don't care about yourself. You don't see yourself as worthy.
And if you think of the person you hate the most in this world, do you get filled with the desire to care for and nurture them? Make good decisions for them? Struggle endlessly for them? HELL NO!
If you look at YOURSELF as someone you HATE, how on earth can you expect to make good decisions for yourself and your body?
Yeah, in the short term, you can make things work. But if you keep "falling off the wagon," maybe it's because there's a bigger battle going on inside of you than too many calories.
So what now?
Awareness is the first step, and as uncomfortable it is for me to bare my soul like this, I know I'm not alone, and if one person can see this and feel like their struggle is validated, then my prying open my rib cage for you all is worth it.
Look at your own patterns. Really analyze what has and hasn't worked for you in the past, and moreso, why it has or hasn't worked for you in the past.
- What was your most successful period of weight loss? What were you doing at the time? How were you feeling?
- When you think of your end goal, think about your why. Why do you want that end goal? What will it bring you? Is it just health you want, or is it confidence? Love? Worthiness? What do you want to achieve by losing this weight?
- Look at yourself in the mirror. What feelings come up? Are they loving, nurturing, hopeful? Or are they filled with guilt, shame, disgust? Why? What do you want to feel when looking at yourself in the mirror?
- Close your eyes and imagine your end goal. You've lost the weight. You have a whole new wardrobe. You achieved it all. What do you feel? What's it like to look in the mirror now? What opinion do you hold of yourself? Why don't you hold it now?
These are just some ideas for getting to the bottom of your mental blockades. I'm not a professional here by any means, but visualization can be a powerful thing. Talk to yourself, see what your body needs, seek help if you don't think you can tackle it on your own (so many of us need guidance here, myself included).
Either way, you need to tackle the monster of your mind before you can begin to show yourself the love, tenderness, and patience that is needed to lose weight and keep it off.
My new plan, for anyone who's still here...
From now on, I'm not focusing on a diet. I'm not assigning moral value to food. I'm not going to feel shame or guilt toward myself as I am.
I will be implementing the following habits, sticking to them as well as I can, and loving myself on the days where it's more of a struggle than it seems worth:
- Daily self-improvement practice. Currently, this means a Louise Hay workbook on self-love. Obviously, it will change, but I love self-help books and I love workbooks, so this is my daily practice.
- Actively challenge my negative thought patterns, particularly the ones I hold toward myself.
- Eat whole, unprocessed foods. This always seems to be my sweet spot, the place I do best. Intuitive eating with foods whose ingredients I can pronounce.
- Exercise for strength and confidence, NOT to beat myself up like I've done in the past.
- Choices that support my chemically imbalanced brain and work to balance out my happy hormones. My brain is the key, and I need it on my side.
The biggest thing I realized through analyzing my past successes is that my self-love and self-worthiness always came from outside sources. Positive reinforcement from those I respected, good friends who let me know how much they valued me, a partner who couldn't keep his hands off me... all those things gave me value before.
So my biggest goal right now is to find that value in myself. On my own. Because when it's coming from me, nobody can take it away like they have in the past. No situation can unhinge me. My mental health won't ride on the backs of finicky humans... only my own.
TL;DR
Take care of your mental health and self-esteem. It plays a huge role in every aspect of your life, including weight loss and fitness.
