TL;DR: Same old story heard round here - video games, junk food; I eat because I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy because I eat cycle. Ignored most of the symptoms and dr warnings and just yo yo'd and fad dieted and hovered between 330-360 for the last 3 years until getting my shit together last September. Got some good momentum going again and want to make sure I don't lose it.
Progress - Oct 2016 Nov 2017 Oct 2018 Dec 2018
And yeah. The dirty mirror. At least it's different dirty so I... kind of clean it... sometimes?
Hey /r/loseit -
Long time lurker of this sub and /r/fitness. Finally created an account to post because, well, I'm starting to finally feel like I'm "getting it"; but also afraid of relaxing and sliding back. This cold weather is really starting to test me in waking up and getting to the gym. I was going through some pictures for a little motivation and figured after a year and weighing myself today - I feel good enough to share, and to remind myself what I've done so far.
Hitting 360
I've always been "big". Not really as a child, but somewhere around 8 or 9 my whole family's diet went to shit. Fast food, pizza, kool aid with probably 2-3x the sugar necessary. I was active as a kid and teenager - i was still fat, but I always played sports, worked out, ran, so it was that "solid" fat. And then college hits, and instead of just eating my feelings away, I can drink them. I wasn't a good enough athlete to be recruited for anything, so beer, video games, and fast food had me pushing 300 before I'd graduated college, and once I was on my own I spent my 20s and early 30s drunk, fat, and mostly unhappy.
My late 20s, early 30s, the train finally started to derail. My alcoholism stopped being so "functional". Over two years I drove most of my close friends away, ruined a really great relationship, and it culminated in a DUI in 2014. That, plus the diabetes, hypertension, and sleep apnea that I'd added in the previous 5 years finally made me realize I had to decide if I wanted to continue killing myself, or make a change.
Trying to take control - 2014-2016
2014 was a turning point for me; the DUI caused me to be unable to drive for about 45 days, which gives someone a lot of time to themselves. I always enjoyed weight lifting, running, and biking; so I figured I'd do that. I downloaded the C25k and StrongLifts app, and dropped a rogue catalog in my garage, basically. I still drank, I still ate like crap. Enter about 2 years of 2-3 weeks of "good effort" followed by 6 months of drinking and video games. I "maintained" by eating poorly, not eating on days I was going to drink, those stupid things. It worked - I never got back up to 360 again, but it was just continually yo-yo'ing between 300-330. But I was still lost and unhappy, and my routine was get up, go to work, come home, play video games, go to sleep, repeat. Weekends it was just wake up, play video games, go to sleep. Mid-2016 I also really came to grips that yes, I have a drinking problem. When I found myself buying a liters instead of fifths because I'd finish a fifth in a night, it's time to rein it in. Physically, I had no issue staying away from alcohol. Mentally was another story. I'd long ago pushed people away who were friends for anything else besides drinking, or that I just hung out with at work. The routine was mind numbing, and there was no "good feeling". I got up, worked out, went to work, came home, did some cleaning, studied, and went to bed. I was bored, and using alcohol to speed up time. 4 hours until I have to go to sleep, I'm not tired, and nothing to do? Might as well be drunk and feel good while I wait for tomorrow. I still don't have a good grip on that, but around this time I got back into smoking weed instead of drinking on those boring days. At least it kept my calories down, and I wasn't hung over the next day and could work out.
Finally getting somewhere - 2017
Around middle of 2017, I'd "finally" had "enough". I was 33 in 2014, and for some reason I had this goal that I'd be fit and happy by 35 - if I just kept thinking it would happen, it would, right? I'd gone in for a checkup and was back at 310, and had just turned 36 - and when I saw that 300+ still I felt defeated, and stupid. My mind just sat there thinking about how many times I'd started and stopped. How many times I'd seen progress, good progress, and then stopped like it was enough. I started wishing I could just... I don't know - go back and not stop? Couldn't there just be some way to say "oh, yeah.. i never stopped" and just reset time and have the results just show up automatically? I'm not scared or unsure about anything else in my life. Learn a new instrument? Have my boss drop a new product solution that I've never worked with before and tell me we're implementing it and I need to become the new subject matter expert? No sweat. Every other single thing in my life that I try, I go at it unafraid to fail. I've proven to myself over and over that if I put the effort into something, I'm really good at it.
So after a hard look at my life, I realized something that was pretty significant to me. About an hour and a half to two hours of effort a day was the difference between those great progress periods and periods of maintaining. And I didn't have a reason not to put that time in; I don't have a wife, kids, or stressful/taxing job to eat up all of my time. I wasn't volunteering or going back to school. If I didn't work out in the morning, it was because I stayed up too late the previous night playing video games. When I got home, instead of spending the 30-45min to cook my dinner, I'd snag fast food so I could sit down in front of my computer or xbox an extra hour early? And I wasn't even really playing games with friends or anyone - it was just me playing single player games by myself, night after night. And if I was honest with myself, the food I cooked tasted much better than fast food; I was just being flat out lazy - and my laziness was actually for things that were worse than their alternatives.
Around September 2017 I decided lets do it once more, but this time with feeling. Through onetouch (who makes my diabetic supplies) they had a full nutritionist site. I put my calories and macros in, and they spit out a weekly grocery list, cooking instructions, etc. I started planning my meals (not prepping) and my days. I think I was always a bit aggressive with weight lifting and running, especially over 300; I started a Push Pull Legs routine, and instead of running I just tried to walk a mile a day. I did count calories through my fitness pal to start, but there's not that much variety in my daily meals that I don't really track. I don't eat the same thing every day, but it's not like I go from making a breakfast meal with 2 eggs to making one with 4. The variety doesn't change the values of the meals enough to really make tracking, for me, that beneficial.
I aimed for 2000 calories, about 150g of protein and and then the rest split evenly for carbs & fat. I wish low carb/keto worked for me, but the best I can handle is about a month before I just binge. I kind of did IF - I ate lunch around noon-1pm and dinner around 6pm, and no calories after 8pm. Between September and November I lost about 30lbs and on thanksgiving 2017 I stepped on the scale for the first time since that dr visit and saw 278. I think the last time I saw a 2 in the hundreds spot was high school. I went from walking a 17min mile to jogging a 10min mile in that time. Friends were commenting on my weightloss, compliments were coming in - I was feelin great
Pre-September 2018
Life happened pretty big in 2018 that slowed/pushed me back a bit. Old highschool injuries that just got worse through neglect and being 360 for so long has left me with a problematic right ankle, left hip, and left shoulder. The non-stressful job became unnecessarily stressful, I'd always lived in the same area and was just in a rut - obviously for years, but as soon as I realized how unhappy I was, and that previous September starting making good changes that were so positive - I knew I had to take care of myself mentally too.
From about February 2018 to May 2018, working out and my weight loss took a back seat to finding a new job and relocating to a different state, and then getting settle in the new job, new area, etc. I maintained at about 270-280 from February to August - I adjusted to about 1800 calories and just tried to walk more during that time - if I was going less than 2 miles, I'd walk there. On the weekends I tried to go for a nice 2 hour hike or so to get a little extra, but I didn't see much progress during this time and I wasn't really expecting it.
Home Stretch
Maybe it's a bit soon and asking for failure to call it the home stretch, but I've never felt this way before so I'm gonna just take the chance.
I sold my home gym and most of the equipment when I moved. September I finally felt settled in the new area, got a gym membership with an olympic gym and bought a mountain bike. I still don't count/track calories daily, but I've found that planning my meals ahead each week has helped tremendously. The most "meal prep" I'll do is make 2 helpings of a dinner sometimes and eat one for dinner and one for lunch the next day. Meals are pretty boring - eggs, bacon, toast; different styles/spices/breading of chicken with different veggies. Steak & potato. Taco bowls, chillies, meat slop specials, things like that.
When it's not below freezing, I commute on my bike to work, and still do nice long trail rides on the weekends; although right now my butt can only stand about an hour in the seat. I do some activity 7 days a week; I've kept up a nice streak for the past 3 months until the weekend after thanksgiving. When I got back into the gym in September, I decided to give strength training another shot, so I'm currently following GZCL's LP 4-day/wk program. The gym I go to is more crossfit/Oly lift focused, and is the first time I've gotten to try row machines - and I'm a fan; so I do usually warm up each day with a 2000m row going at a 2:15-2:25 pace, and if its a weight training day I'll lift and then cool down with a 15-min ride - if it's not a lift day I'll switch to a 30 minute jog.
After 30 days, around the beginning of October this year I noticed some changes. I don't have a scale, so I'm not really tracking that either, but my shirts were starting to get baggy. My pants wouldn't stay up, and I had to buy a new belt. Until this point, it was so unlikely for me to keep weight off I'd just started making new holes in my belt. But I noticed that excess belt part was really wrapping around the front. I figured that was enough change to start taking progress pictures.
Thanksgiving weekend I injured my ankle again, tried to push through it but it got too much and I took 5 days off at the gym. I've been back in this week, pain free and feeling good that I didn't let the 5 day rest turn into 5 months like I used to do. I'd been kind of anxious all week, but after stepping on the scale at the gym today and seeing 242 I'm feeling like I actually might do this.
Lessons Learned
- Find what works for you. Micromanaging myself doesn't work, but neither does trusting myself to have no boundaries. It's cliche, but it's a lifestyle change.
- Forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Losing weight is a difficult task already, it doesn't help if you're berating yourself and looking down on yourself while you do it.
- Make the goal bigger than just your weight. I don't know what my goal weight will be, and I've done better since I stopped trying to aim for weight loss by a certain date, or aiming to get under a certain number. I want to get back to the strength I had in high school. I want to go flying down a trail in the mountains on my bike. I want to hike a 14er, be able to put 50lbs of gear on my back and hike 5 miles to a secluded lake and camp the weekend.
- Realistic expectations/goals - it took 10-15 years to get to this place and compile all of those bad habits. It's taken the last 4 years of trial and error to get to this place and finally feel like I've found what works for me
Changes
- Clothes, obviously - Shirt 4x to 2x, pants 44" to 38"
- I'm starting to have a neck and chin
- Less pain overall; Standing 8 hours or walking all day doesn't lay me up the next day with back/foot pain
- Shoe size - 12W to 11.5 normal. My feet now have arches - hockey skates and ski/snowboard shoes don't kill my feet after 5 minutes
- Very few cravings/feelings of hunger; I don't feel restricted, not because I'm allowing myself to eat junk food but it's very rare that I do. Early this year I had some problems with esophagitis - I'm sure I can thank that experience for curbing my cravings/appetite and not anything I did myself
- Overall happiness and confidence - the confidence I have in my job/abilities has actually started to move over into just general confidence. I'm more personable and outgoing towards others, and the last 6 months have seemed to fly by; I'm excited for the future, and have actual plans, hopes, and dreams instead of just video games and escaping.
If you made it this far, sorry for the wall of text and thanks for reading. Until now I've been pretty private with my journey and not really tried joining any of these communities; but I feel like I'm getting there, and not just another start & stop phase. Hopefully my next update will have an even smaller me doing some sweet jumps down a mountain. You all are great, and have been a huge help in my journey - good luck on yours!
