Hi Reddit :-) long time lurker of this sub, first time poster - I’ll try to be brief in summary, I suppose I’m looking for anyone’s advice or similar experiences
I’ve always been a chubby kid, never had much self esteem and always very conscious of other people’s opinions in my appearance...but my real issues started around 2015 after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship and going into a new one with a man who made it clear I didn’t have “the best body” and urged me to change eating, work out often and so on - which fair enough, I know I was not in good shape or a healthy weight, but it was in a very unkind way.
I went from around 90kg, to 72 at my lowest, back to around 80-82kg and eventually the relationship ended. Now I’m at a high of 95kg (F, 5”5, 32)
For almost 18 months I have been in a fantastic relationship with someone who has never made me feel like I’m too big or too unfit or in any way not good enough for him - problem is, I still feel this way, and probably more intense than in previous relationships because this one is an absolute keeper :-)
We both love being outdoors, hiking, kayaking and so on - problem being i know I am considerably more unfit than he is and therefore can’t keep up. He’s always patient but I feel in myself I ‘ruin’ things by struggling, then beating myself up in my mind (“if you weren’t so fat and useless you’d be having fun right now”) and after a recent trip we had which was primarily outdoors, I have ballooned from 85-95kg and lost all motivation and self worth. Stopped the gym, stopped jogging, and any other occasional classes I enjoyed like yoga or swimming. And overeating constantly, on very unhealthy foods. I feel I’m struggling with my mental health more than ever
The past week or two I’ve been focusing on getting back into eating the healthy food choices I love (I guess I follow a mix of calorie counting and eating more whole foods to speak broadly) and walking most days to get back into the habit and ease myself from this downward spiral back to healthy choices and weight loss/fitness improvement.
I was feeling good! But I’ve notice lately I am ruminating on thoughts of how desperately I want to enjoy an outdoor lifestyle with my partner (I adore being outdoors) but I want to be able to really enjoy these things with him and feel confident to do so. The realisation I’ve let things get this bad again is hard to get passed, and I have had several ‘meltdowns’ (in private) this last month on silly instances - once he went to the gym (this is new for him, he typically just does outdoor activities and an active job) and when he brought himself a fitness tracker. It’s almost like I feel myself slipping more and more hopelessly behind... I look my worst, and feel my worst mentally and physically
Sorry, this is a wall of text and I don’t know if I have explained things very well, but if anyone has any advice, experience or anything they feel they’d like to add, I would be most appreciative :-)
Additionally, if anyone would like a support buddy (maybe on Whatsapp or another messaging service) - id love one too! Bear in mind my time zone is Australia :-)
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