Hello, I'll start positively by saying a week ago I restarted CICO. Got the PCOS, IIH and a back injury so it's not my first rodeo. Lose it somehow set me to maintain weight so I enjoyed 2x 3000 calorie days before I realised and set it to be more targeted on weight loss. After a week the scales reflect a 0.8kg loss which I'm proud of 🎉 I'm currently trying to love the process of adapting to healthier habits again and considering ozempic.
But yeah, a week ago I also attended a "group interview" that on arrival actually turned out to be a paid job trial. We were introduced to the managers by name and role and were told we pretty much had the job but they wanted to see if it would fit us (ironic). They then asked us to change into scrubs and "if you're shy just change in the bathroom". I didn't want to be shy, I wanted to be part of the team so when I got into the tiny change room and saw they had an assortment of sizes I felt hope. It was dashed pretty quickly when I realised all the XL sizes were still new in bags and only the biggest available... God I wanted this job so badly that in front of 3 others I squeezed myself into a new shirt and pants and stood there bewildered. I couldn't move in the pants and from the faces of the other women changing it didn't look good on me. When the others were dressed up, I explained. The manager held up the boys coming in and told me to just wear the pants I came in with. Alas I'd thought it was only an interview and would look smart to wear one piece denim worksuit but we now required no pockets for the work hence scrubs... She then said to just put the shirt over it. At this point I'm alone in the changing room, holding up people. The shirt was too tight over the suit and I couldn't breathe so I panicked and opted to leave the uniform shirt on and wear the suit half zipped/clipped. As I didn't have a belt on, it later fell down.
During the work section of the trial I was stupidly scattered. I later realised it was a trial by fire, in that we were given little direction/instruction and then observed. The tight shirt on my chest and the arm fat squeeze feeling sucked. My usually steady design hands shook horribly enough that I nearly cut myself, I messed up multiple times, didn't feel confident asking questions or for help and all the work related knowledge left my brain. Trying to walk, talk (with existing employees) and learn all at once while being watched sent me into a shut down/panic attack. My insecurity was intense but this job was a rarity, something I really wanted so I persevered through my brain screaming for an exit. I didn't disrupt the flow but the second phase of trial I really embarrassed myself. We were set to work solo and be interviewed by the second manager at the same time. Pretty sure he could see my undies while I was knelt and bent over working and again, brain had shut down to "just breathe" while my hands shook and streams of sweat poured off my face. I had nothing useful to offer the conversation, brought up my back injury and didn't take direction given. A humbling spiral. In the 1:1 final interview we were given a minute to talk while walking out and it was very indicative that I was unsuccessful. I cringed the whole 1.2 hour drive home. It reminded me of the Eric Andre/Wiz skit where he says "nightmare, nightmare, nightmare". I felt like a joke.
And as I was writing a follow up email to apologise for poor performance the next day I got the rejection text. The manager was nice and when I apologised for my obvious anxiety over it, apologised for not having my uniform size, said I seemed very peaceful, not anxious at all and thanked me for being sweet... I'm tired of being sweet. I want to be able. I want to not feel like an elephant in an antique store. The last time I worked a "dream job" they sat my desk under an A4 print out of big chungus for the first few months and said it was just a joke... I wish I'd stuck to CICO then. Like a lot of people here, I wish I'd done something sooner.
Cheers if you read, I'm thankful this community exists. I hope it's okay to post and set the marker for change here. The last week has been rough but I'm not giving up, just moving forward. If you've had a similar experience it might be a relief to hear??? 😅
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