Shaking the idea that your weight is the most important thing about you

I’ve lost significant amounts of weight a few times in my life (30-40lbs and then I regain) and have always been overweight or obese.

My family is pretty patriarchal, and it was clear to me that the most important thing about me was my appearance (and especially my weight). My father even once told me if he were as fat as me he would stop eating altogether, and no amount of scholastic achievement ever outweighed (sorry) how disappointed he was in me for being fat. This (and other experiences) mean that each time I get serious about losing weight again, it’s really hard to not devote all of my mental energy to it at the expense of the rest of my life, even though I’m in my 30s now.

The mindset that as a woman my appearance is more important than anything else though isn’t just my family, this is constantly the messaging women get in society and it’s very hard to shake. I have a PhD. I am literally a math professor. I have worked very hard for the life that I have now, and have accomplished things I never dreamed for myself. And still, when I look in the mirror and see that apron belly, or see that the “maybe someday I won’t be fat anymore and then I’ll finally be beautiful” idea is going to be replaced with “maybe someday I can just look old instead of fat and old” even though both of those are damaging, it’s hard for me to not spiral into disordered eating behaviors.

I started working on my Covid weight gain this year and am about 8 lbs down so far, and finally realized this is why I have such a hard time making room in my life for both weight loss and engaging meaningfully with the rest of my life and the things that I love. The first few weeks I was pre-logging the next day, watching supersize vs super skinny and secret eaters during any free moment, and I realized my favorite thing about going to sleep was waking up and weighing myself to see how much I had lost.

Now I can see why I fall so hard into this pathway and what are the forces encouraging that. I’m hoping this will help me have some more balance and self worth. Anyone else struggling with this?

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Weight loss 57 yr old woman

Hi everyone. I have steadily gained weight over the last several years, and having always been very thin it’s been tough to lose weight. I am down about 3-4 pounds in as many weeks but my weigh still fluctuates and some mornings I stare at the scale because I went up a pound or two despite being so careful. I am eating alot more protein and zero refined carbs. Is it normal that weight loss be so slow and painful? Would be interested in others opinions. FYI i would be very pleased to shed and keep off 10 pounds.

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Non-Scale Victories are real? Could use some encouragement

I've been weighing myself every day I can and tracking calories for a month now. I started at 221, and dropped to 216.9 pretty quickly, but have stayed there for 3 weeks now (5'9' Male in late 30's, goal is to lose 1 lb a week, end goal 179). My partner tells me she can see the difference from week to week, and I just put on a pair of pants that I thought for sure I'd be too fat for, and they (barely, but still) fit!

I know that weight loss isn't as linear a process as we'd like sometimes, and that keeping my calories under control even while spending two weeks traveling for work in the deep south with no kitchen is no small feat-- in the past I'd be coming back heavier than ever. I can also feel the difference in certain parts of my body-- my waist is DEFINITELY less padded out, my finger sinks into it far less. But has anyone else ever had times when the scale won't budge, but others tell you that your body is transforming from week to week? It's like I'm having a hard time time accepting the progress I'm making without the scale confirming it.

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Should walking be critical?

I'm 27f 5'5 at 320 pounds. I was 326 but spent a month dieting (had a couple set backs) and would walk 3 times a week for an hour.

Now that the month is up, while I enjoyed some or the walks, it feels understimulating. My goal is one day to get into calisthenics because I want to feel more in control and sync with my body and I've always read body weight exercises are more beneficial than cardio for weight loss. The issue is I'm still walking in the meantime but find my ankles are getting sore and seem more fragile. I get shooting pains but I have new walking shoes that are only used for walking (New Balance). I was thinking switching out walking 3 times a week to at home body weight exercises 3 times a week with my dieting and focus on stability and strengthening my legs and ankles.

Would it be more beneficial to switch or should I try to incorporate both?

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Skinny fat to skinny fatter?

I’m looking for some clarification and advice on how to become more fit and healthy. I’m 21F who weighs 145lbs at 5’4. Like many other skinny fat people, I don’t look fat with clothes on, but I’m covered in cellulite and fat. I’m currently at my biggest and am confused as to why.

Since COVID, I’ve really struggled with weight fluctuations and proper dieting. In 2020, I started riding a stationary bike doing resistance training every other day for an hour or hour and a half. I saw minimal results, lower fat to muscle ratio but still undefined muscle and a prominent layer of fat. I did this until late 2021 when I went off to college. Late 2021, I was at my lowest weight at 125, but was still skinny fat. I was so stressed with the transition to college that I was only eating an eggo waffle, scrambled eggs, and peanut butter crackers every day in small quantities. It was a very noticeable change and friends and family commented on how skinny I was; however I still looked healthy, even going to a doctor who said I was perfectly healthy weight and composition. I didn’t really have negative side effects to this horrible diet, but I was definitely unhealthy and had little muscle.

Cut to now. I slowly started gaining weight in fat in 2023. I was eating more than I had been in 2021, but was definitely still in a deficit. I’ve started counting my calories and realized I am severely under the recommended, like 800 calories under the recommended deficit for weight loss (1800). My friends always comment on how little I eat, but I don’t feel hungry very often and sometimes eat sugary snacks, so I thought I was overeating. I’ve always read that you only gain weight if you’re eating in surplus, so I assumed I was just eating too much.

Many of the other women in my family are overweight, having a lot of fat compared to muscle, and they also don’t eat very much. I’ve had my thyroid checked, although the doctors didn’t test each hormone, but they said I was fine and just “slowing down with age”—I’m 21!

I’ve been reading a lot which says I need to increase my protein intake and cut out added sugars, which I’m currently trying to do but haven’t done long enough to see results, but there is also a huge emphasis on strength training. I’m a full time college student with two part-time jobs, and I just don’t have the time or money to get to the gym. I used to love working out at home, but I have no energy after a long day at school and work. Maybe the lack of energy is diet, and I should eat more, but I fear gaining even more fat if I increase my caloric intake. I was walking 10,000 steps a day late last year into this year, but got so demotivated.

TLDR: I used to be visibly skinny but “healthy”, but I was eating dangerously low like 400 calories a day. Suddenly started gaining fat and look and feel unhealthily large when I started eating more, but still at a calorie deficit. I’m trying to eat more protein and cut sugars, but I just can’t seem to hit the recommended caloric intake for one pound a week weight loss plan. I know I’m not sneakily eating stuff that’s high in calories and lying to myself, so what gives?

My questions are:

Should I be eating more in general to see fat loss or will I just retain even more fat?

Is exercise more important than diet if you’re skinny fat? I’ve always heard it was 80% diet 20% exercise?

Why am I retaining so much fat if I’m truly at a deficit? Am I not really burning calories because I’m pretty sedentary?

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Frustrating Conversation with Surgeon

I just got off the phone with a surgeon and the conversation was so disheartening. Sorry if there's any gross details. If you don't want to hear about bowel stuff, maybe stop reading.

I'm 35F, and have lost 80lbs or so over the last year (220lbs -> 140lbs, 5'5"). It's been a tough battle, but worth it and rewarding. I've really focused on eating super clean healthy foods in reasonable amounts and working on my fitness. I even ran my first half marathon!

My family doctor referred me to a surgeon to do a colonoscopy after I complained to her about hemorrhoids being super painful. She said it was just a precaution. Either way, I just got off the phone with the surgeon for a consult, who asked a bunch of screening questions, including about any weight loss. I told him about it. While he had seemed undecided until then whether it was required or recommended or not, he said he definitely wanted to do the exam in that case.

He did ask if the weight loss was intentional or not, and I explained that I had worked super hard at it, but he said that "80 lbs is more than most people can lose intentionally." It felt so dismissive of everything I've worked for.

I'll be crushed if I thought I was working through this on my own and it turns out there's actually something wrong with me.

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Feeling inspired, and wanted to share with others who might be in the same boat!

I get a lot of inspiration from this community, so whenever I can share something that might encourage others, I rush over here to do so! In 2020, I was 195lbs at 5’9. Through portion control and exercise, I worked my way down to 143. My life exploded in several ways and I got back up to 172. I am now at 166, with a goal of getting to a 150-155 range.

Well, I was on a walk today and decided to listen to the Half Size Me podcast. In the episode, she was talking about how we often don’t think about how we could’ve gained all the weight back, instead we focus on our lowest. So for example, instead of me being proud of myself because I was able to recognize what was happening at 172 and started to make my way back down, I often am disappointed that I’m no longer at my lowest. I don’t think about how great it is that I’m not back at 195 or even higher.

This just felt like a great motivator and inspired me to continue forward, and be proud of myself because I did several things right and have maintained about a 30 pound weight loss for 4 years now, even through the hardest times of my life. The several things I did right: kept exercising (inconsistently but I did), portion control and not going back for seconds (again inconsistently but I did), and weighing in weekly.

I hope this helps others who have also gained some weight back. You might not be at your lowest, but you’re also not at your highest- and that is amazing!

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