Warning, this is going to be long, and this is a throwaway as my wife knows my actual reddit account. TLDR at the end
Backstory: in 2017, I started on my own weight loss journey. I'm 5'10 and was peaking around 215 lbs, but something finally clicked in me and I decided to sign up for classes and started intermittent fasting. I made it down to a low of 166lbs, and am currently at 180 lbs (Pandemic Poundage) trying to get back to a leaner state. During that time my spouse was extremely supportive (mostly around childcare when I was out training, be it in classes, running, etc) She also expressed some solid discontent at my decision to fast, but still enabled my journey by constantly asking if I would be joining in during meals.
However, she has her own weight issues. After the birth of our second child, she was ill and continued to gain weight. She's had to struggle with a lot of gynecological issues that have compounded her weight problem. She's been described by her doctor as "morbidly obese" ( I have no idea how much she weighs as she would never tell me)
Current day: My wife has gotten to the point where she does everything to avoid moving. She has been diagnosed with an eating disorder, and uses it as an excuse to consume what she pleases. I know she sneaks a lot of food but I never mention noticing it. This unhealthy behaviour is manifesting itself in her activity level. She relies on me to lift heavy things, never wants to accompany me on walks and has sabotaged any physical activity.
Physical activity has become a wedge in our relationship. I'll spend hours cycling with friends, and she laments how I spend more time with them than with her. Cycling together is not an option with her, and I have learned not to push the issue.
The lack of health focus has damped our social lives as well. All of our mutual friends have started to try to improve health through diet and exercise, and she has commented to me that she feels excluded because she’s not participating. Furthermore, her friends have stopped reaching out to her because they know she will not participate. It has caused her feelings of loneliness, and she has often exclaimed, “I need fat friends!”. So she relies on me, and I often don't work out to spend time with her sitting down and chatting/watching tv/etc..
I don’t mention the frustration I feel towards her. Everyone here knows, like myself, what it is like to struggle with weight. Before things "clicked" for me in 2017, I knew exactly how unhealthy I was. I still can't pin down why I decided to make a change, but I understand that it was not because I suddenly realized I was overweight. And being told I was fat certainly wasn’t the cause of my healthy choices. For this reason I do what I can to make her feel like she is in a safe space at home away from criticism.
However, it’s starting to get under my skin. I feel like our daughter is mimicking her behaviour by choosing not to be outside because she has been working too hard at school. I’ve been thinking about all the travelling I want to do in retirement, and feel like I’ll be pushing my partner around in a wheelchair if she doesn’t address her health.
If I were to post this on r/marriage the prevailing advice would be to communicate. I also, however, know damn well that being told you are overweight and on your way to diabetes and heart disease is not a productive means of enacting positive change in someone else's life, especially if you are their partner!
The question I want to throw out here is this: how would you suggest that I approach this with her? Am I making things worse by keeping away from the topic? If you were in her shoes (as I'm sure many of you have been/currently are) what would you expect?
TLDR: My partner and I have diverged on health, and it is causing a wedge in our relationship
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