I don't even know where to start writing this, which is ironically similar to not knowing where to start in reaching my goals. Back in 2009 or so I stepped on the scale to see the numbers 285 looking back at me. I thought that was bad, but I was in my early-mid 20s and was able to work my ass off to get down to about 200 in a year. I was extremely motivated. Then everything kind of went south. I lost a close family member in a car crash, and that person's spouse attempted suicide a couple weeks later but was unsuccessful. He passed soon after.
I reconnected with my mom after not speaking for 20 years only to find out she had cancer (she passed about a year later), my friend got leukemia and died, and in the midst of all that I dated someone that I could swear was the devil if I were a religious man. She was incredibly toxic and mentally abusive to the point where all these years later I still suffer from PTSD. I won't go into too much detail, but there were multiple cases where she lead me to believe that she was in hospice or dying. Once I'd lost everything, including a job that I loved more than anything, she told me she was in hospice because of stress I put her under and was dying. I spent years thinking she was dead because of me, only to FINALLY find out years later that she was married and pregnant. All that time suffering and blaming myself, only to find out that she was cheating on me the whole time and was making up hospital visits as an excuse. That's messed up enough, but doing it to someone that had suffered enough loss during that time... That's too much, man.
So what does all that have to do with weight loss? Well, around 30 years old I'd lost enough people and was in a dark place of blaming myself for the death of someone that was perfectly fine, and I pretty much just gave up. I still have caring family members so I didn't want to take my own life, but my ambition to do anything to help myself was gone. And so I started putting weight back on. One day I went to the doctors and found out that I was now 240, and was shocked, and mad at myself. But I lacked the willpower to do anything about it. Maybe tomorrow I'd start...
About a year ago I went to a doctor due to breathing problems, and literally asked him NOT to tell me my weight when I stepped on the scale. Of course he said the number "221". I was naturally surprised by this as I was sure I'd gained weight. I was right though, but wasn't prepared to find out just how much I'd gained. He told me to add 100 for the actual weight. WTF? I'd crossed 300? I didn't think that was possible. I had some motivation around that time and got a fitness tracker, but the motivation didn't last. I was too depressed. Next thing I knew I was 330. Then 340. Then 350.
And that's where I am now. 35 years old, 6 feet tall, and 350 pounds. I officially weight twice the amount that I'm supposed to. I know that I'm at the point of being "morbidly obese", which is scary because it means that my weight can kill me. Hell, I wouldn't be shocked if it happened in the immediate future as I'm having all sorts of problems. I was recently diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and have been on a Cpap machine since then. My last cardiologist appointment was fine, but that was like 50 pounds ago and honestly I'm afraid to check up on that now. I know that I need to lose weight, but I'm not sure how.
It's hard because I feel like I don't overeat much. I don't exactly eat healthy though, but fact is you don't get to be this heavy without overeating a ton, so clearly I'm taking in more calories than I realize. The other issue is that I've been living a sedentary lifestyle, and now that I want to get out of that, I can't... A few weeks back I walked one lap around my neightborhood (about 1/5 of a mile) and felt like I'd just run a marathon when I got back home. I know this because back in middle and high school I was actually known as the athletic guy. I could run a 6 minute mile and had a ton of endurance. Then PE stopped being necessary, and none of my friends cared about working out so I slipped out of that routine.
Anyway, dietary changes are one thing, and I can do that. I don't have much money though and am basically living on food stamps, so finding a diet that works for my budget is tough. The other issue there is that whatever meals I do have can't be made in a kitchen. I live with a schizophrenic family member right now who thinks they own the downstairs portion of the house and will go into screaming fits if I touch anything in the kitchen, so I have a room set up upstairs with a microwave and mini-fridge. My diet will have to accommodate that factor, which unfortunately removes the stove and oven as options. I also can't just suddenly drop to 2000 calories a day. I'm working on eating less, but usually night time rolls around and my stomach is growling while I'm trying to sleep, and then I can't sleep because of the discomfort of feeling hungry. This is usually followed by heart palpitations when I'm tired enough, which further ruins any chance of a decent night of sleep.
Aside from the heart palpitations (PVCs) some other issues are going on. One is a medical issue that no doctor has ever been able to solve for me. Sometimes on an exhale or when stretching, I'll get a rapid fluttering sensation in the left side of my chest. It doesn't feel like a normal heart palpitation, but nobody can tell me what it is. The feeling is painless, but I can trigger it at will by exhaling until I have no air left in my lungs. This seems to be worse when I'm feeling fatigued, which is pretty much all the time now. The other issue is lower back pain. A few days ago I decided to walk to the store down the street, which is all downhill. I still felt winded, and about halfway down I got the usual lower back pain. I get lower back pain a lot these days, which I've attributed to my body having to carry around all the extra weight. I'll get it even if I'm standing. But the feeling on that walk was the worst it's ever been. It was so bad that I had to sit down because it literally felt like my back was about to snap. I looked over at what I thought was a hill of grass next to the sidewalk and went to sit down on it before realizing that it was just a bunch of sharp plants. That... didn't feel good.
So despite all that, I decided against taking a Lyft home just to prove myself that I could walk a mile uphill to get back home. I had to make a lot of stops because the back pain was too intense. Finally I made it back, and any sense of accomplishment was wiped out by how discouraged I felt over just how much difficulty I had taking a walk that was once routine to me. And it's just been more of the same since then. I try to get in some physical activity, and the back pain is just too much. I can't afford to see a doctor though as I'm already drowning in bills. But I need to find a way to get moving without doing serious damage to my back if I haven't already, or giving myself a heart attack (which is something I'm legitimately afraid will happen if I push myself too hard). I also don't currently drive, so my life is just awesome right now. /s
What do I do? How do I work past back pain? It doesn't feel like sore muscles, but more spine related. I could be wrong on that though, and again I can't financially afford to find out for sure. I don't like walking around my neighborhood because I hate the thought of people seeing my disgusting self struggling to walk on a flat surface. It's humiliating. I won't even take a Lyft anymore because the last time I did, the driver made a comment about how I should have ordered an XL ride because fat people like me shouldn't be in cars like his. And so all my days are pretty much spent upstairs. I'd love to get some sort of cardio equipment for the other room, but I can't afford it. All I have are a couple 10 pound dumbbells. Well, that and a jumprope, but I seriously doubt the people living here would want a 350 pound man jumping up and down above them. Plus, at my weight I'd be risking some serious damage to my feet/knees by jumping that much.
All this to say: My life got hit hard by some very unfortunately and traumatizing circumstances, and I haven't been the same since. I've put on a ton of weight to the point where I now weight 350 pounds, and losing that weight is hard because I'm living off food stamps and need to buy stuff that doesn't require cooking due to a roommate+kitchen situation that I have no control over. I do have a microwave and mini-fridge upstairs. Heart palpitations, an unexplained fluttering in my chest when exhaling, and severe back pain have made working out incredibly difficult for me, to the point where even standing in place puts a ton of strain on my back.
I desperately need help. I seriously feel like I'm going to die very soon if things don't change, but at the same time I feel like it's too late to fix these problems because my body already feels too broken. Any advice, encouragement, or words of wisdom would be so helpful right about now. Also, if anyone knows of any CHEAP cardio equipment that I can use at home in order to lose some weight, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks for reading.
