TW: mention of disordered eating; death SV and NSV since I can’t edit my title
That might sound discouraging, but I’m really excited. I didn’t know where else to go as I’ve never been open about my weight loss journey online, so I decided to come to this sub I’ve been a long time lurker of. You guys have definitely helped me appreciate the journey. Sorry this is long, this is my first time fully opening up.
Anyways, so about 7.5 years ago, my sophomore year of high school, I decided I wanted to lose weight. I was tired of how I looked, and wanted to be one of those skinny ‘tumblr’ girls. I started at 162.5, which is just slightly overweight for someone 5’6”.
I was not healthy for this part of the journey. As mentioned, I wanted to to look like a tumblr girl. I followed a bunch of “pro-Ana” websites and just completely hated the way I looked. Over the summer I was obsessed with eating “clean” and made dinner every night for the family so I could control what was served. I snacked on baby food, especially if I had a heavy day before and now I needed to go into “negative calories”. There would be days I’d actually try to net -500 calories cuz the day before my family had taken us to a buffet or out to eat somewhere. I made it to 150 by the end of the summer and I remember feeling so proud when my gym teacher complimented me on the first day of school.
But I was so insecure and I definitely made that my boyfriend’s problem. He had to reassure me so much when I’d feel fat and ugly. I was that naïve girl that thought this was the love of my life so I was crushed when he broke up with me junior year. Even more so when he said that it was hard to see the positives in me when I was always bringing up the negatives. I got more depressed and went down to 140. Eventually I started eating a lot again and got into another relationship with someone that worked in a restaurant. They all loved me there and I made friends with everyone when I would pick him up from his late shifts. All the free food got me back to 150, which is around where I started college. We both went to the same college, dude became super distant and told me I wasn’t someone that could be considered sexy. Which made me feel so ugly, especially because we stopped being sexual for months. Found out years later he was actually cheating on me throughout this time, but making it my problem.
So queue a bunch more insecurity and seeking out reassurance from men. I just really wanted to show that I could be sexy. And then I found out it really wasn’t hard. Idk, I mean guys will kinda fuck anything, no offense. I didn’t have sex with a bunch of guys but it wasn’t hard to get their attention. Which gave me the confidence that I actually was really attractive. (I don’t recommend this as your method to gaining confidence, true confidence comes from within) I became best friends with someone who ALWAYS let me know that I was a bad bitch. He’d give me fashion advice and some clothes and would always remind me of who I am whenever I would let the opinions of others get me down. We both came from similar backgrounds and wanted to graduate and do good for our communities.
Partying and all the consumption that comes with that got me to the 170s. I would try to contain the weight gain but my efforts wouldn’t go far. I was at 176 when I decided I would try again. Then my best friend passed away and shit got hard. He had joined the army and was stationed on the other side of the country in a really nice city and the plan was that I would move there once I graduated and he was finishing up the end of his service. He got into an accident and idk things just stopped making sense.
I really didn’t know how to move forward. I don’t want to get too much into that as that’s not the point of this story but this man had so much going for him and I was stuck and hollow while simultaneously filled with pain and I really didn’t know the way forward. I still don’t but things are coming together a bit.
I stuck to myself and my drugs and my alcohol. But I knew he wouldn’t want me like this. I looooove to dwell in my sadness, it’s been hard to detach myself from the depression I’ve had since I was 13. But he would never have it. He didn’t like to dwell but our groups of friends certainly did and he’d get us out of it.
So I tried doing that for myself. I finally got the best friend I had always wanted, lost him, but maybe I can be that for myself. And I think that is the key to self love/confidence/esteem. You have to pour love into yourself. I know he doesn’t want me sad, and I know he doesn’t want me looking and being a mess. I had always been a tomboy but I was spending a lot of time in my room so I decided I would learn how to do makeup. Since I wasn’t going out I had the funds to start a makeup collection, and I don’t think the activity itself matters, but doing something where you’re focusing on yourself does wonders. I spent a lot of time with myself in the mirror. Figuring out how to highlight my features, which means I had to recognize what I liked about myself. My flaws weren’t things that were holding me back, just stuff I could work around with makeup. Then I started paying attention to my clothes and skincare and now I’m trying to get into hair care. But it isn’t coming from a place of dissatisfaction, I feel like I’m caring for myself. My weight isn’t a hinderance, let me just do my makeup and wear the right outfit and I’m working it.
So I didn’t notice that my weight was creeping up until I reached 185 on New Years. I’m not gonna lie, it did not feel good. I felt like my new found confidence had me not noticing that I was growing and gaining stretch marks I had never seen before. Like I had pregnancy style stretch marks. So I set out to lose weight.
It’s been slow, but I’ve officially lost 25 pounds in 7 months and made it to 162, where I first started. I HATED my body when I was first at this weight, but now I’m so excited. This time around, I knew I was still beautiful and worthy even at the 170s and 180s so although I wanted to lose the weight reeeeally badly, it wasn’t all that consumed my mind. My weight was not my defining factor. When I start stressing I eventually think to what my best friend would say and I try to put all of that behind me. And I get super excited when I reach a 10 pound milestone. I think “if I look this good now imagine how it’ll be when I lose these next 10”. I don’t restrict myself. I count my calories and I do reduce for a couple of days if I binged, but I never reduce by a crazy amount. I’m thoroughly enjoying the journey and what my body can do. It’s fun seeing what kind of styles fit my body at each milestone.
So I’m a year post-grad and I’m still not sure what I’m doing with my life. But I’m at least working on being healthier and enjoying every step of that. I don’t hate myself and I’ve been working so hard at fighting my depression. I’m in therapy and am actively surrounding myself with self help materials and trying to examine my thoughts. So In a sense I am right back to where I started 8 years ago, but I’m really not. I know I can lose the weight and it’s only a matter of time. I did it once, I can do it again. Shoot, I’m doing it now. I’ve lost 25 pounds this year, what’s another 25?
Sorry it was so long. I wasn’t expecting to write all of this. Thank you to anyone that has read this far. It felt really good to write all of that. And thank you, J, I miss you every fuckin day and would do anything to have you back. You may have left us and our plans, but I don’t feel like you left me with nothing.
Apologies if this sounds arrogant or shallow. Sometimes I’m not the best at sharing my thoughts, but this has been my journey to self love. I’m open to any suggestions for continuing down this path.
my circular progress
Edit for grammar and spelling
