I just wanted to share this because some of you might be going through this as well (You’re strong!)
Okay so I started my weight loss journey April last year, I wasn’t overweight at all (5’3 and about 121-123 lbs) or (160cm and 55-56kg), but somehow I just wasn’t so satisfied with how I appeared. I’ve always the “meatier” one among my friends and all so this was kinda why I wanted to shake off the extra pounds and look leaner.
It started quite naturally because I ate lesser and overall healthier because I’ve been cooking my own meals (due to the pandemic). It didn’t take me long to realise this and I wanted to take it to the next level by committing myself to it, like instead of losing weight naturally, I was in serious weight-losing mode. I began doing all sorts of research like what to eat, when to eat etc and got my eyes fixed at CICO. I mean what a simple concept right? And that’s basically how it works too, you will lose weight if what you’re consuming > what your body is burning in terms of calories. So I got myself started on this calories counting journey, seems easy and all but for someone like me, it could be really unhealthy.
Things escalated pretty fast, I couldn’t stop weighing my food and I was REALLY obsessed with the calorie content of everything I put into my mouth, and you would probably guessed it also, I cut off all food with high calorie content (butter, oil etc) So I ate really clean and at a ridiculously low calorie intake level too (at one point I was only consuming 700-900 cal, which lasted for a good month)
And what comes after a great deal of restriction? You lose control. I was heavily restricting myself on what I eat, and to take matters worse, I actually got myself started on intermittent fasting too. So I would either eat from 11am - 5pm or 11am - 3pm every day. It just feels like such a ridiculous approach now that I’m typing it out, gosh) I started binge eating and purging. I couldn’t stop myself from eating, which was really really scary, especially seeing my tummy stuck out in such an abnormal way. It was really depressing. I weighted around 99-101lbs or 45-46 kg here. But I still couldn’t see or feel how thin I was already. I was obsessed with losing and losing more weight.
I remember I was at this sleepover at my cousin’s house, I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch because I knew that there would be a lot of food that night and I wouldn’t be able to control myself to not eat a lot. So this was already a really bad call. I starved myself until dinner time and legit just lost all control over the food. I ate all kinds of chips, meat sticks, pancakes, pastas. The food that I normally wouldn’t even consume) My family got really concerned about it and this stressed me out so much that I went to the toilet and tried to purge. But I guess my gag reflex was really weak due to all the purging, I couldn’t get anything out, which made my anxiety worse. I almost cried.
Okay so things actually got better from there because I was kinda at the rock bottom, and I felt the need to get better. I started eating more, but lost it all again seeing how I was gaining weight.
I realised that if I restrict myself at one point of my recovery process, my body would automatically make me binge the next day. This was really hard because I would need to force myself to eat more on a daily basis.
I was still purging December last year (like maybe 3-4 times a week?) and my gag reflex has gotten so weak that nothing comes out from my throat anymore. And I was really really anxious and depressed. Like why am I like this? Why am I so obsessed with losing weight? Why can’t I be normal...? I gained a few pounds from all the overeating but in person I looked almost the same cos after all it’s just a few pounds (how I wish I had known this earlier) I couldn’t take this anymore and finally got myself started on a recovery process.
So what I did was I checked out the binge eating sub here on reddit (couldn’t get any professional help because it’s really limited here in my country) and started reading all the precessional materials that are available on that sub. THANKS SO MUCH to the Health Ministry of Australia for having such materials available too. I spent all night reading the brochures, did all the exercises in the manual and got myself started on the recommended treatment plan - Regular Eating and Journaling. It’s really a no-brainier, in order to not binge, I need to eat regularly. And as a side measure to aid with my anxiety, I also started running! (I’m using this app called Couch to 5k and seriously it’s a lifesaver)
I wanted to get better so badly, I wanted to gain control of my life again. The feeling of trying to vomit everything out haunts me to this day..I started on my recovery journey a little more than a month ago and I’ve been doing great so far. I have a food/mood journal that I update every day, I would write down what I eat and my mood for the day. I might intentionally restrict myself but writing it all down makes it sound silly so I would try to eat more. Also, I stopped weighing myself. I know that I wouldn’t be able to control myself so it’s better that I just cut it off.
So all of you dieters out there, I hope you’re all doing really well!
TL;DR - Tried to lose weight but got into a very unhealthy eating cycle where I would binge eat and then purge. Finally got myself to look at it seriously and started on a recovery journey a month ago. Doing great so far!
Also, I am such a big fan of baked cheese tarts! I ordered a few of these last week and did a really good job on not finishing it in one go (i was really proud of this). I ordered 6, 3 for me and 3 for my sister. I had one every other day! Without limiting myself or anything :) I wanted to ask you guys how do you cope with your cravings? Because I’m still craving for these cheesy goodies even though I had it not too long ago. Should I order it again? Would it be unhealthy for me to consume so much within a relatively short period?
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