I wish the title could be a preface for great news I thought surely would have arrived by now. Unfortunately, I've become the one thing I have despised the most- a 'yo-yo dieter.'
I thought since the beginning that I have done eveything right. It has now been 6 years since I began my weight loss journey at 15 years old (I am now 21[male]). I won't go into 'poundage' as my height and lean tissue/muscle amounts have changed vastly over the past 6 years, so using weight would not fully paint the picture. But to begin and be brief, I have always been fat. Ever since 2nd grade, I was the "fatty." I was made aware of my size compared to what a healthy body weight would be. Then when I was around 10, I can remeber sitting in my bed wishing I could take a torch and "burn the fat off," as was commonly said on tv commericals to my impressionable self. I remember so much that went wrong, but this post isn't about my backstory as it is my failed endeavors.
After doing the math, over the past 6 years, I have lost 250 pounds in 7 intervals of, on average, 35 pounds, just to gain it all back each time. And in those times, I have been under 20% body fat and close to 50% body fat. I have worked very hard in the gym to increase my muscle mass in order to help myself burn more fat efficiently and I am just a big guy in general so throwing heavy weight around is fun. The only issue is, I have a terrible relationship with food. I was told, "You don't have relationships with food, you have relationships with people. You don't court food, you go to the food court." Bull. Food is a very easy thing to be tempted by, something your limbic system can make you go "oh I did good, time for a reward!" *4500 Cals later* or "I am such a failure, I need encouragement.." *2700 Cals later*. Food is my vice.
This seems like a typical yo-yo dieting story- I eat too little, then I eat too much. That's not the case here. I have spent my adolescence and young adulthood obsessing and researching, finding the perfect and healthy strategy for my weight loss. And after maturing into realizing there is no secret diet, no secret pill, or exercise, I made my weight loss into a science. This obsession ran me to point where at university where I study now, I have a 100 in a nutrition class for which I never study and I never read, and I am no genius by any means. I forced myself to become a perfectionist- tracking daily weight, tracking every gram of food, taking pictures, measuring body part circumferences, the whole shebang. And when I have the temporary motivation, I can lose weight within .1% of how much I wanted to lose for 3-4 months. But when I slip, I feel so much shame in my failure. I feel incapable of going back to doing things the 'right way.' I can't stand to face a setback. I can't stand to lose 'momentum' in my progress. I feel like all of the work I put into it from day one, saying "oh I will weigh this much by this date if I do everyhing PERFECT" will be wasted for nothing. So instead of taking a setback by getting up again, I dig a grave and hop into it for 8-9 months until I say, "wow I weigh more now than when I started." This cycle has gone on too long, and I'm tired.
I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I'm typing through tears now because I feel like I have wasted so much hard work, just to hate the way I look. I am sorry for this long, boring read strangers, but I don't want to quit, not yet. I just don't have a clue where to go from here. I'm so afraid of "starting fresh Monday" again. I know what will happen. I know I will fail. I thought I was strong, but I am not.
I'm sorry for the pitifulness, but any advice? Encouragement? Thank you. I want to update you all at some point in the future and make you proud.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/4BRy0f1
