Lost my first 10 and got a NSV to drive me to my next 10!

Hello! I started my journey 49 days ago on 9/20, this time dedicated to taking it seriously without fad diets or half-assed tracking. Now I am 10 lbs lighter and nearly at my my pre-COVID weight of 184 and my first mini-goal on the way to healthy.

I have been holding at 1250 calories every day, never missing logging it in in MyFitnessPal, with infinite gratitude to my husband for helping plan healthy meals and calculate the calories each dinner since he is the chef of our household. With all the advice here on filling, healthy foods and preparations I have found that the drop to a calorie deficit has been more bearable than any past attempt at dieting. I have been very focused on my protein intake to help keep me satiated and healthy with a goal of 100g a day and I am learning to enjoy cottage cheese (please give me recipes in the comments to help me find yummy ways to eat this stuff) and keep greek yogurt on hand to have as a snack option when I'm a bit off my daily goals and that has really helped me get my macros each day. Currently I feel satisfied after each meal, don't have blood sugar drops or spikes, and don't really feel the need to snack because this subreddit has helped show me how to eat so I am appropriately full of good, whole food that keeps my body fueled and happy.

I will say the hardest part diet-wise is that every week I host a Beer School to teach our 17 members about beers they provide based on a theme and therefore can't really escape that one unhealthy choice since I need to taste the beer to hold the discussion about it. However, I have adapted my pouring myself only half of the tasting size- coming to 1.5oz of each beer, upping my water intake on those days, and making sure to log every calorie since different styles have wildly different calories, never going about my daily calorie requirement by choosing to eat lighter dinners like fish on those days.

As for working out I got a subscription to Beachbody on demand and together my husband and I have completed the 21 Day Fix workout program (following our own diet plans) and are now 17 days into Power 90 (the precursor workout to P90X). I can see some muscle definition even with my excess fat, and already my shoulders are looking so much more toned. Feeling myself get stronger has been massive motivation to keep going and we haven't missed a day of working out except for three rest days between the two programs. I will say I do see the weight loss stall with the start of each program but I know that that is muscle gain and water retention due to inflammation and don't worry myself over it since I know in the end I am going to thank myself for working out the entirety of my journey and love how I look as more fat comes off. I still haven't worked out rewards for myself yet as I hit milestones but currently the increase energy and better sleep I've been enjoying by being active has been extremely motivating.

My current biggest concern is obviously the holidays and winter travel ahead, but I have been trying to be very vocal on my weight loss goals to my friends and family in preparation to fend off pushy comments about food once the festivities begin. My hope is that seeing how badly I want this will help curtail at least some of the judgement and pressure as I work to stick to my diet and exercise plan even when away from home. Already a friend has tried to give me shit for "starving myself" and "not being body positive", but that is because she has just been working out for months and not eating any healthier without progress and doesn't want to hear that CICO is important to success. I was proud in that I simply told her I was happy with my journey to fitness and health and wouldn't let her negativity slow me down or make me feel bad about caring about creating true changes in my habits and mindset for the sake of my wellness. She has always been the "loud friend" and it felt really good to have that measured moment of speaking over and shutting down her attempts to shame me when I normally would have just let her go on ranting.

So thank you loseit community for helping to give me the building blocks and motivation I have never been equipped with in past attempts and getting me over this first hurdle successfully. To spur me onto my next 10lbs of loss I also had a great NSV yesterday! I saw a coworker for the first time since I started my diet and exercise regimen and she immediately asked if I had lost weight ! She is the first person to say anything and I immediately lit up with joy as she praised my hard work and that happiness is still glowing in me today. I can't really see it in myself yet, but to know that someone recognized it feels amazing and has me ready to keep going full steam ahead. I guess that's one nifty thing about remote working currently in that my coworkers see me so rarely in person so they can actually witness a change I can't see day-to-day in my mirror.

Much thanks reddit, your posts and supportive atmosphere is what got me started and I wouldn't be celebrating today this first victory out of hopefully many if I hadn't found myself here out of desperation after seeing the 200 on the scale.

submitted by /u/goktrose
[link] [comments]

from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/31VW8XL

8 Tips to Burn More Calories by Walking

Walking is seriously underrated in terms of its benefits as an exercise. Oftentimes we feel as though we must get drenched in sweat to be burning those calories off when in reality, walking really can do wonders to help you burn calories. Don’t get us wrong, cycling, running and all of those intense cardio activities are wonderful. But maybe you don’t always have time to hit the gym or go for a full-blown run.

Sometimes, fitting in a couple of walks can feel a lot more doable.

Fortunately, research supports the benefits of walking. A study, published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine, found that those who stuck with a walking program had significant improvements in blood pressure, reduction of body fat and body weight and overall better quality of life.

To help you burn more calories, we’ve rounded up eight easy tips for your walking workout.

Why Stress Keeps You From Losing Weight (and How to Beat It!)

Read More

1. Walk on an incline, a hill or stairs.

Going up? Walking on a treadmill that is tilted at an incline, walking up a hill outside or even walking on stairs can all increase the intensity of your workout. This means you’ll burn more calories than walking on level ground. It may also be better for your health. One study, published in the Journal of Sports Science and Medicine, has shown that uphill walking can help your body metabolize both glucose and lipids, which means it might be beneficial for “the prevention of type 2 diabetes and disorders in lipid metabolism.”

2. Use an activity tracker or step counter to stay motivated.

Wearing a watch or a device that provides activity tracking capabilities and/or step counting can help motivate you to walk longer or faster. Without any sense of how far you’ve walked or how many calories you’ve burned, it can be easy to “quit early.” But if you see that you’re just a few tenths away from the next mile—or that you’re incredibly close to meeting your daily step goal—it can push you to go a little bit longer. That kind of motivation can pay off in terms of your results.

3. Listen to tunes.

Did you know that music can have an impact on your weight loss goals? A study, published in the journal Psychology of Sport and Exercise, found that listening to music led to a 28 percent increase in activity enjoyment. That can equate to walking for longer—and burning more calories. People also commonly report that music helps them increase the speed and intensity of their work. It puts a little zip in your step!

6 Easy Habits That Can Increase Your Metabolism

Read More

4. Walk with a pal.

While music can motivate the solo walker, having a friend to talk to can also be motivating. Research carried out by Virgin Active Health Clubs found that exercising with a friend can burn more calories than working out alone. The reason may be that chatting with a good pal is distracting and helps you go further. When friends walk together, they also pace one another. You might be motivated to walk faster than you would alone.

5. Make sure you have the right shoes.

A good pair of walking shoes really can make all the difference in the world when it comes to inspiration to go further. If you’ve ever walked a long distance in unsupportive shoes, then you know how much your feet started to hurt. But when you have footwear that is comfortable and provides good shock absorption, you can walk longer and faster—and torch more calories as a result.

6. Move your arms as you walk—and pick up the pace.

Adding arm movement during your walk can help you to go faster. It can turn a regular walk into a power walk—and that can help increase your burn. Research, published in Nature Medicine, found that the intensity of an activity can be more important than its duration. In other words, a shorter power walk can be more calorie-smashing than a long and leisurely stroll.

Hike Your Way to Weight Loss: 10 Reasons to Go for a Hike Today

Read More

7. Take a hike!

Instead of walking around your neighborhood or town, why not drive to a local trail and take a hike? Hiking on uneven ground and different terrains can activate different muscles than you’re used to using on flat surfaces. You’ll be strengthening muscles in the knees, hips and ankles—areas that don’t usually get much use. The changes in terrain typically mean more calories burned, too.

8. Incorporate interval training into your walking program.

If you’ve ever participated in an interval run, then you know it incorporates short bursts of sprinting into your jog. You can do the same thing walking by increasing the intensity to a power walk at each interval. The idea is to keep the interval short enough that you won’t get completely exhausted and can keep going. This can help you burn more calories while walking.

Pair your walking workout with a convenient meal delivery service! Get started with Nutrisystem today >

30-20-10 Interval Training: It’s for Everyone

Read More

The post 8 Tips to Burn More Calories by Walking appeared first on The Leaf.

from The Leaf https://ift.tt/3e5IuWT

Losing weight by fasting?

Hi guys, So Ive been wanting to lose weight for at least a year and ive gone through several methods ive failed at whether it be exercising, dieting, etc. but about 2-3 weeks ago I started fasting after absolutely leeching the internet dry of the least bias research I could find on fasting. Basically what I found is that most people seem to lose ~300g of fat per day over a 3 day fast. They also lose some water due to "sodium dumping" but that comes back after like 2 meals. Now I started doing a day fast where I ate dinner and ive gotten used to it and this week I did a 2 day fast. Now I am 6'2" and I started off weighing 105-106kg depending on time of day, etc. Im not overly obese like some people with my stats as I do have quite a heavy structure and look like a rugby player, but none the less I am overweight. Now I noticed some weight shifts when I was doing the small fasts and it mostly seemed to go back to what it was. But after my 2 days fast I noticed a drop in weight that seems to have stuck. I went from being 105-106kg in the morning to the morning after my fasts being 104.0, then after eating, having some water and relaxing a bit I weighed myself and I had gone up to 104.5, but it seems to have stuck there from what I can tell. I just wanted your opinions, because I plan on doing a single 2-3 day fast a week and a 1 day fast as well, and on the off days I plan on eating some chicken with broccoli and sweet potato. Just wanted your guys opinions on things I could do differently and things I could do that will speed the weight loss up. Bear in mind if the 300g per day thing is accurate I will have to be doing this for 14-20 weeks to reach my ideal weight so please only give sustainable suggestions! PS I dont love cardio so some skipping 2-3 times a week is fine and any weight lifting suggestions are welcome :)

submitted by /u/Jordz2203
[link] [comments]

from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2GdEh70

[Century Club] October 29, 2020 - Have you lost or need to lose 100 lbs or more? Here’s a thread just for you!

I have often welcomed those who have lost 100+ lbs (~ 50 kg , ~7 stone) to “the club” and joked that club meetings were on Thursdays. I recently suggested that we try out having a regular weekly thread to talk about issues that are particular to those who have lost 100+ lbs, those who are well on their way and those who are just at the beginning of a journey this big.

Welcome back to the Century Club! Each week I will provide a topic of the day that has been on my mind or inspired by previous posts. However you are free to talk about any topics you think might be relevant to current and prospective club members.

Previous topics: 2020 - Changes - Weakness - What did you miss? - seasons - Funny Stories - Schedules - Fun - Health - Exercise - Denial - Headwinds - Streaks - Other People - Toolkit - Breaks - Support - Clothing - The Unexpected - Self-image - How do you end your journey? - What made it click? - Loose Skin

---

Today's Topic: Holidays

With apologies to any Canadians who have already celebrated Thanksgiving two weeks ago... Sorry, Eh?

The traditional end of year holiday season begins in the United States on Saturday with Halloween, Thanksgiving follows in about three weeks, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and New Year's Eve all in close succession. Even if you don't actively celebrate any of these holidays there's a lot of changes at the supermarket in preparation for the holidays. A lot of "special treats" are now on the shelf, lots of empty calories and sugary/fatty foods!

How are you planning to make the next 9 weeks compatible with your weight loss/weight management goals Centurion?

My town is encouraging a socially distant Halloween. Trick or Treating is OK, but no large groups and they are recommending placing candies on a flat plate instead of a bowl or other container where hands will linger. My neighborhood has a bunch of small kids, so I will probably do just that. Place a plate on the stoop and see the kids' costumes from a distance. The fun size chocolates I bought are just a cheaper alternative to my usual Lindor truffles or Ghirardelli squares so if the kids don't eat them, I will work through them slowly. One or two 70-100 kcal chocolates every other day or so works fine for me.

Thanksgiving is going to be harder to figure out. We're unlikely to have a big indoor get-together as Coronavirus is on the rise again in Massachusetts. So it may just end up being a small affair with me, may partner and one or both of my sons. So we're probably going to keep it simple. I picked up a couple of frozen turkey breasts at Costco, we'll cook up one or both of those instead of a full bird and make some nice traditional sides and catch up with family via Zoom or FaceTime.

Christmas is probably going to be a similarly intimate affair, again with a virtual component for anyone not in attendance.

A couple of larger celebrations I'm going to miss this year are the High School Soccer banquet. My son is a graduating senior and this should have been a time to celebrate his 4 years in the program, but cramming almost 200 people in a church basement just doesn't seem wise right now. We're trying to see if we could make this an outdoor event and still somehow pull it off during the daytime. Also mid-December there's usually a nice celebration with alumni from my high school. We usually cram 50 mostly middle aged people into someone's house and enjoy wine, cheese, chocolate and marzipan. That event is moving online only for this year and won't be quite the same.

My partner usually plans a New Year's Day "drop in and catch up" event that has usually been random people sitting around the island of her kitchen and grazing on the food and drink we provide or the guests bring. If the weather cooperates we may try to still hold this event, but on the porch with a heater or just around the gas fire pit in the back yard. Bring your own blanket instead of just bring a bottle.

What's your plan Centurions?

submitted by /u/SmilingJaguar
[link] [comments]

from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3mqnxsC

LOST 16.5kg /36.3lbs, feel ashamed and not accomplished.

TRIGGER WARNING- I have mentioned starving, and if it's a trigger, please don't read further.

TL,DR- last year in October2019 i was 92 kg/202.8lbs and today am 72kg/158.7lbs, lost 16.5kg/36.3lbs in 8 weeks by wrong methods & don't feel accomplished but ashamed of myself. Posting this to tell anyone who needs it today that it's okay, you won't gain the weight back, you are beautiful and an amazing person, no matter what. Lose weight for the right reasons and by right methods.

Last year one of my aunts underwent two heart surgeries because of a very bad diet, she wasn't obese. Then after her surgeries, my dad fell sick, due to hypertension, there was some issue in his brain(am not sure of proper terminology as my dad tried to keep these things hidden from us), and it was because of his weight.

I stepped on the scale and i weight 92 kg(202.8 lbs)- late October 2019/around Halloween (not 100% sure of date). And i was shocked, i wasn't aware of how much weight i had actually gained. I didn't tell anyone, but was so scared. Because ik that being type 2 obese is not good for my health. So i joined gym in december (2019), and by march 15(2020) , i had lost 7 kg(15.4 lbs). However, after the lockdown, i couldn't maintain the weight amd gained it back, i was 90kg(198.4lbs) again.

I decided to lose weight again, made a 20 week plan to lose 25 kg (ik it was unreasonable as someone pointed it out in my first post, but i was desperate, i was mentally healing from past traumas and i wanted it to reflect on my physical self as well). After 6 weeks i weighed 83kg(182.9 lbs). Even though it was fast, i argued with myself that maybe i lost water weight (1-2kg) and by this logic losing 5-6 kg in 6 weeks was okay.

For 8 weeks, i worked out for 1 hour, 6 days a week. Ate healthy, didn't indulge in junk. And in 8 weeks i lost 16.5 kg(36.3lbs). I bought a new weighting machine and thought it's broken or maybe not calibrated properly. But everyone in my family was getting right weight. My dad has to visit the doctor regularly, so he has recent measurements from doctor's office and it was matching the measurements of the new machine as well, so it was confirmed that the machine was right. And i weighed 73.5 kg(162lbs). I cried so much. I cried for so long. Because losing so much weight in such short time wasn't possible. And the same day i came across a woman's post who was comparing her before (extremely skinny) and present ( she was few weeks pregnant) body and how earlier she ate as less as 800 calories to stay skinny & how a baby needs 800 calories and not a grown adult woman and i cried so much more.

Everyone thought i was eating healthy( including me), but i wasn't. I wasn't eating properly. I was starving myself. I was scared of food and calories. I consumed as less as 800/500 calories. I was practising IF, ate between 12-8 pm and also doing 24 hour fast atleast one day a week. I felt so ashamed. All i wanted was to lose weight, but i wanted to do it healthily. I started on such a positive note. I started by consuming 1300-1400 calories per day, balanced diet and regular workouts but i spiralled. And i felt so terrible. I always wanted to post about my journey on the sub to motivate other people, now am doing so to warn other people. I might have lost weight but i looked sick, i was loosing hair, my eyes looked sunken, and my face looked so dull. Like someone has sucked all the life out of me. And it was no one but me. My brother always asked me if am starving myself and i told him am not, i repeatedly said that. Because i didn't believe it either. I couldn't actually calculate (accurately) how much i was burning while working out so i started eating less, to be on a safer side. After 6 weeks when i actually started seeing difference, i got more obsessed with numbers- numbers on scale, number of calories consumed, burned. I got more obsessed because i didn't want to gain the weight i lost like earlier. I was developing an ED, i didn't even realise what i was doing. I felt so ashamed because i thought i was doing better.

After realising what i was doing, i deleted the app that calculated my calory intake, made a new workout routine. And ate everything moderately (not too much junk). When i wanted to eat chocolate, i made it at home (sugarfree), when i wanted to eat noodles, instead of eating the whole bowl, i ate in a small bowl (that had 1/3rd of what the usual bowl i eat food in contained). I felt very guilty, sometimes i still do. But I have started eating in moderation. I have been doing it for about 10 days now and yesterday i saw i lost 1.5 kg (3.3lbs)- idk if it's normal/acceptable or not. But am trying my best to actively be more mindful of my thoughts. It hasn't been long since i have restarted my weight loss journey (this time hopefully in a better way).

My mom wants to lose weight too, around , 7kg/15 pounds. And she has asked me to cook for her as well, and i think this is her way of making sure i am eating. My brother/dad ask me what have i eaten for the same reason. And i feel happy that am getting this support from them (we don't have the best of relationships, but this feels like a step in right direction).

Last time around Halloween i was 92kg (202.8lbs), And exactly a year later(now) am 72 kg(158.7 lbs). Am not happier, Am not healthier. I don't feel like i have achieved anything. But i hope to be better.

I wanted to share this so that i can tell whoever reads this that lose weight to better yourself, but don't make it the sole purpose of your life, live a little. Most of us lose weight for better quality of life/long life ... But if we are not enjoying the process and journey and life in present as well, then what's the point. It's not an easy journey, but nothing worth having ever is. Am realising that, hope others do too.

In no way am encouraging anyone to lose weight the way i did, it's not right. It's not something to be happy about. Am not feeling happy or accomplished. Everytime someone has mentioned it looks like i have lost weight, i feel ashamed of how i did it and it does not feels good. Am not proud of 16.5kg/36.3 lbs that i lost by starving. I hate that i did that but I didn't realise what i was doing and i hope noone ever does that. I feel more proud of 1.5kg/3.3 lbs i lost by eating normally and working out regularly. Please take this as a warning and not as encouragement. I was able to control it, but if you can't, do try to reach out for help.

submitted by /u/young_and_dumb_at_22
[link] [comments]

from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3e5c6DN

Is there a more efficient way to lose weight & build strength?

Hi guys,

Backstory; Started training ~2 months ago. Weighed 96.8kg 6"1 BMI 28.2. Now weight 92.1kg BMI 26.8. The goal is to get down to 75kg~ 22BMI~.

I used the TDEE calculator, and currently based on moderate exercsise it says I should be eating ~3000 cals a day. Currently, diet is 2400 cals, consists of the following (macros are carb, protein, fat);

• Breakfast (Either of the two)
  • 60g porrige, 300ml semi-skimmed milk, 25g peanut butter, 25g whey powder, 1 apple (720~ cals, 77, 43, 26 macros)
  • 25g rolled oats, 25g bran flakes, 300ml semi-skimmed milk, 25g whey powder, 15g raisins, 10g almonds, 10g walnuts, 5g cherries, 7g milled chia seeds, 1 apple (750~ cals, 88, 41, 25 macros)
• Lunch/Dinner (Always have the same base meal, the seasonings/sauces change weekly but remain within cal limits. Last week for example I did BBQ chicken, week before that sweet chilli chicken)
  • 250g chicken breast, 50g mixed bell peppers, 30g white onion, 20g closed cap mushrooms, 200g chopped tomato, 30g tomato puree
    • 1 Jacket potato ~220g, 20g cheddar cheese (800~ cals, 36, 45, 19 macros)
    • 125g long-grain ready to eat rice (650~ cals, 33, 51, 16 macros)
• Snacks (I don't have snacks often, usually just to meet the 2400 cal mark)
  • Protein balls (158 cals, 26, 39, 35 macros)
  • Cheese string (70 cals, 6, 29, 65 macros)
  • 2 Crackers and 20g peanut butter (160~ cals, 22, 17, 61 macros)

I typically end the day on 40/40/20 with +-5% carbs/fat.

Currently, weekly excersise routine is as follows

• Achieve 10k steps every day
• 5x 1hr strength and fitness class (Todays class as an example below)
  • Part A (x4)
    • 5x eccentric front-squat with 3-sec pause
    • 30 sec plank shoulder touches
    • 60s break
  • Part B (x4)
    • 10x each side DB strict press
    • 12x supine pull up
    • 90s break
  • Part C (AMRAP 10 mins)
    • Max cals on rowing machine
    • Every minute 10x air squat or 10x push ups alternating
• 1x 2hr bouldering/rock climbing session. No structure here, just climbing walls

Using that information, is it likely I am maximising my time on the weight loss/strength building journey, or should I make adjustments to my diet/training plan to better utilise my time? I apologise if this isn't the right place to post this.

Thanks in advance

submitted by /u/SlippySliders
[link] [comments]

from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/31Qtc3q

My Weight Runs & Ruins My Whole Life (TW, eating disorder, body hate)

Hey all. I’m not sure this is the right place to post this, or if I should be mostly in the Overeater’s Anonymous sub. I actually don’t think overeating is my huge issue. I do overeat, I’m sure, especially on calories. I’m actually a serious maintainer. It really seems as if I’ve gone through periods of my life where I’ve been in severe depression or something, gain a ton of weight, then I stay there.

My whole life has been about my weight. I became very heavy as a child. I was always bullied at school and at home (not by my parent, but everyone else). I remember being 134lbs in like second or third grade or something. I don’t know why I was allowed to get so overweight, especially because my family hates overweightness and are constant (but usually chubby/overweight) dieters. A huge family of eating disordered people who never shut up about what they eat or how they eat or how you should eat or how thin you should look. It used to make me nuts growing up. I think I was rebellious to it. My food was monitored by my grandmother who I lived with, my aunt would always NOT subliminally be teaching me how to lose weight and eat healthy: “whenever I eat pizza I always get one slice and a salad if the slice doesn’t fill me up!” 🙄I was once given a wedge of mozzarella cheese as a child by my uncle and my aunt said, “that’s lunch!” I’m in my early thirties but I remember how terrible it made me feel. Like I was fat and disgusting and my hunger after the wedge of cheese was not normal. My uncle once corned me to ask me how much I weighed and was trying to measure my waist with a tape measure, when I was twelve. My mother was an enabler. Always getting me whatever I wanted to eat, whenever. Naturally, my whole life, I go between extreme self loathing and then rewarding.

TW: Bulimia/Anorexia

When I hit twelve I got the grand idea to start throwing my food up. Then starving myself. I went from 245lbs as a twelve year old to 145lbs into being fourteen. I was mostly bulimic so never much lower than that number. I was like, super eating disordered. Very typical, ritualistic, stick to my guns on what I’m doing, scared of food and calories, starving myself all day, eating a ton of food at night to throw up, cracked out. Like a legitimate addict but with food. A chain smoker, etc. I was in two eating disorder hospitals because I was so bad, and even got left back a year in high school because of it. My weight has truly always ruined my life, even my lower weight. The obsession of weight. My family treated me so differently while I was thin. I had a lot of sexual attention from peers suddenly, even by male family members—yeah...it was an alternate reality. Suddenly I was hot, cute, sexy, pick up-able, a person, etc. I didn’t even get to enjoy my body because I was always wanting to be thinner. I wanted to be 120lbs. I wrote it on everything. On my wall. On my coffee cups. I was really sick.

Then when I was about sixteen, the pediatrician—eating disorder specialist—was closing in on me so much and threatening to send me back to a hospital that I became too exhausted and gave up. I had been chugging water before appointments for when I was weighed. Then I’d be sent right for bloodwork and she’d see my electrolytes were off and knew I was purging/starving myself. One visit she said, “you can still lose weight with eating,” I had just gotten out of the second hospital, and maybe I was too tired of obsessing, so for some reason I was like, “oh, okay!” And started eating again...but then I didn’t stop. I actually know now that it’s a common thing that happens to people coming out of starvation eating disorders. You’re supposed to be monitored by a therapist, and I was allowed to leave mine even though I shouldn’t have been. Long story short, it’s been about fifteen years since then and I am over 300lbs. I got to 260lbs within the first year and a half of eating again, though. Huge weight gain, then maintained and not lost.

I never imagined myself getting to this point, ever. I was actually around 335lbs at my highest, that happened within the past five years, that I know of, could have been more at points because I stopped weighing myself. When I was in my mid twenties I fell chronically ill with an autoimmune disease that was not being diagnosed. Why? Well gee. Every doctor I went to said, “I’d lose some weight!” Or, “it could be your weight,” and did nothing more as my life fell into oblivion. It actually took my going to a rheumatologist who is also really overweight (I didn’t know before hand) for a dr to actually look at my symptoms and not my fat to diagnose me. I’m doing great now because it’s being treated, but I gained another fifty or so pounds while I was ill. I went through extreme trauma in the midsts of being chronically ill. I almost became homeless, practically was, and my family pretty much black sheeped me—though, I realize now that I was likely always predestined to be the black sheep. Fat black sheep. And even though I got better from the autoimmune disease, I almost died from Covid, and I’d bet THAT had to do with my weight. I’m doing fine now, lost some from being so sick actually. I’m still in the three hundreds, though. 307 last I checked. I was a long hauler for five months afterwards and just started feeling normal again about last month. Lost half my hair. It was a MESS. And I thought THAT would prompt weight loss, but all it ever prompts are weight loss thoughts without actually doing any work. I can think myself thin fantasizing about it.

The point of this post is that. I feel so stuck. I am totally disassociated from my body. I think I have always been because it’s always been the topic of conversation or a spectacle amongst everyone, especially in my family. I’ve always hated my body, yet it’s always been my number one focus. All I could ever think about since I’m young was my weight, how fat I am, how ugly I am, how bad I am because of the foods I eat, and how everyone thinks I’m so fat. Just constant and extreme shame + guilt.

Sometimes I sit and think about all I could have accomplished if my entire life wasn’t about my body. Maybe I could have went to Harvard or something. I didn’t even know I was capable of anything intelligent until I got to college, where bullying wasn’t really a factor anymore.

I’m so angry but also so numb. I want to lose weight so badly. It’s always a revenge body thing in my mind. I fantasize about running into people who bullied me. It’s never about my own health and happiness, it’s about appealing and impressing. I’ve wanted to lose weight my entire life but never actually do, unless I’m starving myself. Unless it’s extreme. I read a quote that said if what you fear is what the outcome is, it’s likely that trauma is at play. I feel like I’ve gone through trauma my whole life from being forced to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Now I have stretch marks all over my body, my skin is disgusting, with acne everywhere since getting this overweight, and I know I’m going to have loose skin if I get down to the weight I want to be: 145. It makes everything feel worthless. Like it won’t be worth it because I’ll never be perfect. All I want to be is perfect with a smooth body and smooth skin, and no matter how hard I work, I will never ever have that. It’s such a hurdle to get over. I try to make it a metaphor for myself: maybe you can’t have $1,000,000, but wouldn’t you at least rather have $700,000 than nothing?? I would rather have $700,000 than nothing, but I have no drive.

It makes me feel so resentful that I’ve always been overweight or totally screwed up about eating. I just feel so gypped, used, and like I’ve wasted my entire life. I just can’t imagine anyone will ever want to be with me, and for so long I didn’t even want to be with anyone, but now I do. I’m in my early thirties and I just want a nice, happy life with a partner. Quarantine has made that especially clear to me. But I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone with my body. TMI, but I haven’t even been with anyone in over eleven years. No sex. No nothing. I will not be with anyone at this weight because I hate myself. I think I’ve always hated myself because I was taught to. That makes me feel resentful the most.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to get out of this, but I needed to vent, and I want help, or a community, or something. I don’t know, honestly. Bleh. Thanks for reading if you have.

Edit: I also wanted to add that I feel like I’m living the nightmare version of my life. I honestly thought I would be a healthy weight, in my career, financially independent, etc at this point. Chronic illness threw my whole life backwards. Instead of the revenge body, I am more overweight than I’ve even been or could have imagined. Instead of being financially dependent and in my career, I couldn’t work for four years, now five because of this stupid pandemic. And I still live with my mom! I also have no relationship with my family anymore. They treated me like I was a lazy POS while I was sick because I wasn’t being diagnosed, and they already thought I was a fat, lazy person before. My life is the nightmare version of what I thought it would be at this age, and I don’t know how to find myself or be who I want to be now.

I know I need therapy. Sigh.

submitted by /u/firstthreeseasons
[link] [comments]

from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3mwJ3vJ