TRIGGER WARNING- I have mentioned starving, and if it's a trigger, please don't read further.
TL,DR- last year in October2019 i was 92 kg/202.8lbs and today am 72kg/158.7lbs, lost 16.5kg/36.3lbs in 8 weeks by wrong methods & don't feel accomplished but ashamed of myself. Posting this to tell anyone who needs it today that it's okay, you won't gain the weight back, you are beautiful and an amazing person, no matter what. Lose weight for the right reasons and by right methods.
Last year one of my aunts underwent two heart surgeries because of a very bad diet, she wasn't obese. Then after her surgeries, my dad fell sick, due to hypertension, there was some issue in his brain(am not sure of proper terminology as my dad tried to keep these things hidden from us), and it was because of his weight.
I stepped on the scale and i weight 92 kg(202.8 lbs)- late October 2019/around Halloween (not 100% sure of date). And i was shocked, i wasn't aware of how much weight i had actually gained. I didn't tell anyone, but was so scared. Because ik that being type 2 obese is not good for my health. So i joined gym in december (2019), and by march 15(2020) , i had lost 7 kg(15.4 lbs). However, after the lockdown, i couldn't maintain the weight amd gained it back, i was 90kg(198.4lbs) again.
I decided to lose weight again, made a 20 week plan to lose 25 kg (ik it was unreasonable as someone pointed it out in my first post, but i was desperate, i was mentally healing from past traumas and i wanted it to reflect on my physical self as well). After 6 weeks i weighed 83kg(182.9 lbs). Even though it was fast, i argued with myself that maybe i lost water weight (1-2kg) and by this logic losing 5-6 kg in 6 weeks was okay.
For 8 weeks, i worked out for 1 hour, 6 days a week. Ate healthy, didn't indulge in junk. And in 8 weeks i lost 16.5 kg(36.3lbs). I bought a new weighting machine and thought it's broken or maybe not calibrated properly. But everyone in my family was getting right weight. My dad has to visit the doctor regularly, so he has recent measurements from doctor's office and it was matching the measurements of the new machine as well, so it was confirmed that the machine was right. And i weighed 73.5 kg(162lbs). I cried so much. I cried for so long. Because losing so much weight in such short time wasn't possible. And the same day i came across a woman's post who was comparing her before (extremely skinny) and present ( she was few weeks pregnant) body and how earlier she ate as less as 800 calories to stay skinny & how a baby needs 800 calories and not a grown adult woman and i cried so much more.
Everyone thought i was eating healthy( including me), but i wasn't. I wasn't eating properly. I was starving myself. I was scared of food and calories. I consumed as less as 800/500 calories. I was practising IF, ate between 12-8 pm and also doing 24 hour fast atleast one day a week. I felt so ashamed. All i wanted was to lose weight, but i wanted to do it healthily. I started on such a positive note. I started by consuming 1300-1400 calories per day, balanced diet and regular workouts but i spiralled. And i felt so terrible. I always wanted to post about my journey on the sub to motivate other people, now am doing so to warn other people. I might have lost weight but i looked sick, i was loosing hair, my eyes looked sunken, and my face looked so dull. Like someone has sucked all the life out of me. And it was no one but me. My brother always asked me if am starving myself and i told him am not, i repeatedly said that. Because i didn't believe it either. I couldn't actually calculate (accurately) how much i was burning while working out so i started eating less, to be on a safer side. After 6 weeks when i actually started seeing difference, i got more obsessed with numbers- numbers on scale, number of calories consumed, burned. I got more obsessed because i didn't want to gain the weight i lost like earlier. I was developing an ED, i didn't even realise what i was doing. I felt so ashamed because i thought i was doing better.
After realising what i was doing, i deleted the app that calculated my calory intake, made a new workout routine. And ate everything moderately (not too much junk). When i wanted to eat chocolate, i made it at home (sugarfree), when i wanted to eat noodles, instead of eating the whole bowl, i ate in a small bowl (that had 1/3rd of what the usual bowl i eat food in contained). I felt very guilty, sometimes i still do. But I have started eating in moderation. I have been doing it for about 10 days now and yesterday i saw i lost 1.5 kg (3.3lbs)- idk if it's normal/acceptable or not. But am trying my best to actively be more mindful of my thoughts. It hasn't been long since i have restarted my weight loss journey (this time hopefully in a better way).
My mom wants to lose weight too, around , 7kg/15 pounds. And she has asked me to cook for her as well, and i think this is her way of making sure i am eating. My brother/dad ask me what have i eaten for the same reason. And i feel happy that am getting this support from them (we don't have the best of relationships, but this feels like a step in right direction).
Last time around Halloween i was 92kg (202.8lbs), And exactly a year later(now) am 72 kg(158.7 lbs). Am not happier, Am not healthier. I don't feel like i have achieved anything. But i hope to be better.
I wanted to share this so that i can tell whoever reads this that lose weight to better yourself, but don't make it the sole purpose of your life, live a little. Most of us lose weight for better quality of life/long life ... But if we are not enjoying the process and journey and life in present as well, then what's the point. It's not an easy journey, but nothing worth having ever is. Am realising that, hope others do too.
In no way am encouraging anyone to lose weight the way i did, it's not right. It's not something to be happy about. Am not feeling happy or accomplished. Everytime someone has mentioned it looks like i have lost weight, i feel ashamed of how i did it and it does not feels good. Am not proud of 16.5kg/36.3 lbs that i lost by starving. I hate that i did that but I didn't realise what i was doing and i hope noone ever does that. I feel more proud of 1.5kg/3.3 lbs i lost by eating normally and working out regularly. Please take this as a warning and not as encouragement. I was able to control it, but if you can't, do try to reach out for help.
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