Hi, just wondering if there is anyone here who has struggled with the same things I have (former bulimic and currently suffering from BED aka binge eating disorder) but have also come out the other end resulting with a healthy weight loss journey.
I’m really struggling right now.. like really struggling. I’m fortunately seeing a therapist because I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that just because I gave up the purging years ago, does not mean I’m ED free. I’ve done so many diets over the years and every single one has resulted in rapid weight loss followed by me rapidly finding the pounds again and then some. This has led to me getting up to 269lbs in my 20s. I’m down some weight now but I’m going so slow and this summer was a complete sham where I ate my feelings week after week and gained about 20lbs back (I’ve currently levelled out since returning to school and I’ve lost about 10lbs just by trying to curb my bingeing).
I’m trying my hardest to stick to being in the “grey zone” as my therapist calls it. Not striving for perfection but at the same time not completely destroying myself over eating a singular burger here and there resulting in me giving up hard and bingeing 5 days a week. It’s so hard for me to stay in this mindset because, although bingeing less has led to some weight loss, the process is so incredibly slow. I don’t get these “dramatic” and transformative results that I’ve dreamt about every night since I was a child. I’m not racing towards my dream body, I’m just sitting here existing and trying not to be depressed about eating and my body.
The thing is, the more I race towards my dream body, the more I become one track minded, and the harder I end up crashing if something small trips me up. Right now I’m on the slow course and I keep failing over and over but picking up where I left off without the big crash. Although I’m not crashing, I find the lack of tunnel vision makes me feel stagnant and like I’m bound to fail because it looks like nothing’s happening. I keep thinking to myself, “I could have been skinny by now had I just followed the plan I mapped out a year and a half ago” or, “I could have been skinny a year and a half ago had I just followed the plan I mapped out 3 years ago”. Idk when it’s going to end. I can’t remember a time I didn’t think about weight loss. Sticking to the grey area makes me feel like I’m giving in. Like I’m allowing myself to No longer go the distance like I always dreamed of, but I know that when I try to go the distance I start to harm myself.
Anyway, I’m just wondering if anyone here has experienced thoughts and struggles like these. I’m curious if anyone who has dealt with these thoughts has actually succeeded because I need to know that it’s possible. The people on here who succeed at weight loss look like superheroes to me, I’m completely in awe of them but what they’ve done seems unattainable. The things they’ve done seem so alien too. I’m just wondering if anyone here has done that while also just living in that non perfect grey area where they weren’t functioning at 110% capacity every single day but also not giving up and bingeing all week.
Sorry for the rambling!
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