First off: I don’t weigh myself because of my ED history. The last time I was weighed was at my gynecologist about a year ago. I was maintaining around that weight (75 kg/165.3 lbs) for about a few months.
I‘m at the end of a four week vacation and went to a water park yesterday. Before going on the slide, everyone must be weighed. I was dreading the weigh-in a bit because I was afraid it would trigger my ED and I was on vacation, so I was eating whatever I wanted, including softdrinks and snacks which I don‘t consume at home. Anyway, when I stepped on the scale, I was 68 kg (149.9 lbs), so 4 kg (8.8 lbs) lighter than my goal weight (72 kg/158.7 kbs), 7 kg (15.4 lbs) lighter than my last weigh-in at the doctor. I was a bit in shock. I thought: „Yeah, that scale is obviously not working right“. But then I weighed the same at the next four scales and reality hit. I was on the brink of tears, happy tears, of course. I haven‘t been under 70 kg (154.3 lbs) since my bachelor studies 15 years ago.
I’ve been struggling with my body image and weight for more than 20 years. The first time I was dieting, I was 14 years old. I was a normal weight but on the chubbier side. My mom set me on my first diet then. She was a bit overweight for most of her adult life and wanted me to lose the baby fat so I wouldn‘t be struggling like she did. She came from a place of love but it backfired and she laid the ground work for what would become a 15+ year long battle with a binge eating disorder.
I was thin at the end of high school but the weight gain started during my bachelor studies when a combination of three things happened: (1) I was being bullied in university and fell into depression/anxiety, (2) I was living on my own and therefore out of my mom‘s constant supervision and commentary of my food consumption, (3) the first waves of Hashimoto kicked in although I didn‘t release it was Hashimoto until a few years later. In an effort to mitigate the weight gain, I tried every diet that I came across. That‘s when the binge-restrict-cycle started.
Over the years, I saw therapists for my depression, a nutritionist for my binge eating, personal trainers for my fitness. I once lost 10 kg (22 lbs) with nine months of keto so my insurance would pay for my breast reduction surgery. I gained it all back a year after surgery. I was a successful dieter, until I wasn‘t. I was incredibly disciplined until life came in the way, I hit a plateau, or depression set in. I was so sick and tired of my constant struggle and my fight against my body.
I put my personal life on hold, never dated, avoided going out with friends. I put all my energy into work and my „health journey“. During my depressive phases, all my energy was used to „function“. I didn‘t have the energy to diet then. I self-medicated with food. I was 88 kg (194 lbs) at my highest weight. Once I was out of the depressive phase, I put all my energy into getting rid of the weight I had gained during my depressive phase.
Everything changed when I decided to stop trying to lose weight. Through Abby Sharp‘s Youtube channel, I came across the book Intuitive Eating by Tribole and Resch. It helped me tremendously to change my mindset. I was starting to accept my body and listen to it. I also used the initial drive that came with reading the book to address some health issues. I have suffered from IBS as long as I can remember. I took the opportunity of one of the Covid lockdowns (no eating out, no family gatherings, always eating at home) to change my diet to low FODMAP to find the foods that trigger my IBS. I not only cured my IBS but also lost 4 kg (8.8 lbs) without even trying. Once lockdown was over, I went to the gym 2-3 times a week because I felt that my osteoarthritis improved with the movement. Within a year, I was down at 75 kg (165.3 lbs) just by listening to my hunger and fullness cues. I was comfortable where I was at. I wanted to be at a healthy BMI but if 75 kg (165.3 lbs) was where my body maintained, I was okay with that. My body felt good. My bowels were calm. My depression was much better. I haven‘t had a binge episode in two years. I finally had the energy to focus on my personal life. I went on dates. I tried new sports. I found new hobbies. I went on this big vacation on my own.
Now, I‘m even a bit upset that my surprise weight loss upset me so much. It shouldn‘t matter anymore, shouldn‘t it? But I‘m still human with hidden desires after all. I‘ll appreciate my body for being at a healthy BMI now and will continue with my healthy mindset to nurture it.
I started out with: PCOS, Hashimoto, depression, IBS, osteoarthritis, BED. Healthwise, I‘ve been given a terrible hand of cards. I have accepted my body and its flaws and have come out stronger than ever. I hope you guys can do the same!
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