Hi, lovely loseit community! It's not the first day of my weight loss journey, and it's not the first day of my latest attempt to lose weight, and it's not even the first day I've spent in r/loseit. But it is the first day I've mustered up the nerve to post, so hopefully that still counts as "day one."
I have always been fat, since I was around 10. My parents weren't fat and we had good meals, with produce from the garden and most things prepared from scratch. Processed and fast foods were rarities, aside of the occasional bag of chips or case of diet soda. But I loved food, and portion control was always my nemesis. I'd eat as much as I could, and since my favorite food groups were meat and dairy, you can imagine how many calories I'd take in at a single meal (especially growing up int he Land of the Hotdish!). Mom and Dad tried to help my brothers and I regulate our portions, but my dad had a good friend die of anorexia in his late teens and because of that he refused to have any conversations about weight, make comments about weight, or do anything he thought might have a negative impact on our self image. A noble idea, but I ended up going too far the other way. At my sports physical going into 7th grade, I was 179 pounds. The doctor said it was a good thing I was pursuing a sport, because I really needed to start getting exercise. That was the first time it really sunk in for me that I was fat.
I was a "lucky" fat kid; I never got bullied or had any overtly negative experiences because of being fat, so I told myself it didn't matter. But I was self conscious and ashamed about my weight, even if I was in denial; I told myself I wasn't the kind of girl who cared about appearances, because hey, I was fat! I dressed my oversized body in oversized clothes, avoided makeup and accessories, never did anything with my hair beyond brush it. Why put in effort if it wouldn't make any difference? I tried to hide in the background in class and at school things; for me, shyness and fatness went hand in hand. I was casually friendly with schoolmates, but I was never invited to things and never went on a date in school, likely a part of my self-sabotage just as much if not more than because of being fat. I had a small, close-knit group of friends, and called it good; in that sense, I really was lucky!
I tried off and on through the years to lose weight, but never with lasting success. I'd cycle through feeling amped and motivated, then hit an obstacle and immediately fold. Cheat days would ruin me, holidays would destroy my resolve and trigger a new episode of "why bother, I'll always be fat."
In June 2014, my husband and I were at a college friend's wedding. I'd gotten up to 235 pounds, my highest weight ever, and my wedding rings didn't fit so I was wearing them on a chain around my neck (because I refused to have them resized, because I "knew" I'd lose weight eventually. But I felt pretty good; I'd picked out a cute dress for the wedding, and I thought I looked nice. My husband told me I looked nice, and I thought that yes, I was fat, but I was cute fat, right? Then we met up with our college friends, and all of the women (and honestly, the guys too) looked great. We took some pictures together, and seeing myself next to women who were healthy weights was a harsh reality check. I was twice as wide as most of the others, and probably twice the weight of the two shortest women. That night, looking at those pictures, I cried. And I resolved to get serious. I joined MFP, and over the course of the next 6 months I lost 55 pounds, getting down to 185 pounds and my lowest weight since I was a teen. Then Christmas happened, and I fell of the wagon and never got back on. Over the course of 2015, I gained back 40 pounds because of the "it's a special occasion!" mentality, learning a bit too late that if everything is a special occasion, nothing is. So December 2015, I was 218 pounds and decided to try again...and found out I was pregnant. Over the course of my pregnancy, I gained 65 pounds and ended up at 283.
After giving birth, I lost 40 pounds rapidly (yay water weight), but then got hung up trying to lose the last 25. It was hard for me to focus on a baby and watch what I was eating, and I'd inevitably get frustrated and give up. When I'd hit a really rough patch in my weight loss, I'd ask myself why I was even bothering to try when we were planning to have a second baby within two years and I'd just gain everything back anyway. Eventually, I gave up. And then, suddenly, my baby was a toddler and I was pregnant again. This time, I "only" gained 50 pounds, but the day I gave birth to my son this August I weighed 289 pounds.
This pregnancy, I had a rough go and had a lot of time to think. Nurses were always surprised at my blood pressure, because it was good; I had to take the gestational diabetes test twice because my weight made me a high risk. I've been lucky in that thus far in my life, my cholesterol and blood pressure have always been great, not just "for my weight" but in general. I passed the gestational diabetes test both times by a huge margin. But I was still high risk. And on my current path, my luck is bound to change eventually. And beyond that, was this the kind of mom I wanted to be for my kids? The kind of wife to my husband? The kind of person in general? I looked at my daughter, a slender beanpole with the energy levels of a frenzied weasel, and I realized I couldn't keep up with her. I realized I was hiding food from her because I didn't want her to see me eating snacks and want some; if I didn't want her eating something, then why was I? I was working hard to foster a good relationship with food in her, but what about me? If I could go to the effort of making balanced meals and snacks for her...etc. My husband and I were both fat kids, and we don't want that for our kids. I realized that if I truly wanted to set our kids on a good path, I needed to model it. The day we brought my son home this August, I logged back into MFP.
It's been 7 weeks so far, and I've lost 56 pounds. 40 of those were baby/water weight (yes, I know they probably shouldn't count but I needed that confidence booster!), but the last 16 have been through CICO and I'm ridiculously proud of them. Right now, my "final" goal is 175 pounds, which would put me in overweight territory but still less than I've been since I was 13. I've set myself a bunch of step goals along the way; I hit my first (pre-latest-baby weight) this past weekend. Next up is getting into Class 1 Obese BMI (currently Class 2), then pre-first-baby weight...and so on. I've promised myself that when I hit my goal weight, I'm going to buy myself some nice clothes that actually fit my body properly. In the meantime, I'm trying to use my kids for motivation, and hope I can fight off my ultimate weight loss enemy: my own mind going "why bother when I'll just always be fat?"
