Hey all, I just joined after being a long time follower of r/progress pics. For nearly 2 years I've longed to post on that subreddit, but today I'm feeling extremely despondent that I never will, and I guess I just was hoping someone might understand how I feel.
I feel absolutely miserable and am just really hoping someone gets how I feel and can respond with something comforting.
I used to be quite skinny in my teens and early 20s, but I gained nearly 25kg after going on Seroquel for bipolar. This med works super well for my bipolar, so I do not want to change it. I also have PCOS.
I hated being overweight, and tried for years to lose it without success. I finally found the low-carb diet and over a year lost 12kg. I also started aerial hoop and yoga as exercise.
Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely stoked to be back in a normal weight range (if only just). But it's been a year now and I havent lost any more weight. I've lost and gained the same 3kg over and over for a year.
I have toned up more and visibly lost fat, in one part of my mind I get that it's more than just a number on the scale. But I despise my love handles and belly fat, and as I'm only just inside the healthy weight range, I feel that losing 5-10 kg would be perfect and get me looking the way I want.
The problem is, my relationship with my bathroom scale and my weight have gotten extremely unhealthy. Like, really toxic.
I weigh myself twice a day. I obsess if I don't lose at least a little weight each morning. If I don't, I often punish myself in my head ("you're such a failure" etc) and be even more strict on my diet and exercise the next day. I track the weights daily using an app. Every 2-3 weeks something in my head snaps if I don't lose weight one day, and I'll go and binge. I'm talking: family-sized bag of chips, big chocolate bar, soft drink, take away. This usually undoes the small success I did have by making me gain back the weight I did lose. I then get extremely depressed and self-punishing (mentally tearing myself apart). Then I erase the entries in the weight tracking app so I can "start fresh" and "get it perfect next time". The cycle continues again, as it has for the last year.
I go through bouts of over-exercising, then avoiding it because I over-did it.
Yes I'm seeing a therapist about various things, including my mental health and how I talk to myself and the high standards I set. But everytime I talk to anyone- family, friends, therapist, doctor etc- about my weight loss struggles, everyone insists that I look great now that I've lost the initial 12kg, and "I shouldn't want to be too thin", and that I should "love my body the way it is and accept that this is the weight my body wants to be at". Honestly it makes me so furious I now refuse to speak about my weight to almost everyone. Of course, this has now made me feel extremely isolated, alone, and like nobody will listen to what I want.
Im only just back inside the normal weight range from being underweight. I have visible love handles and a rounded belly. I don't think it's unreasonable that I should want to lose a bit more weight. I feel absolutely furious and really hurt that not a single person I love seems to accept this. I'm sick of being told "you don't want to be too skinny". I never said I wanted to be. I'm not desiring to be super thin, I just want to be toned and look decent in a bikini. I'm only 33. I haven't had kids, nor will I. Surely it's not completely impossible that I lose another 5-10kg?
Anyway so that's where I'm at. I've asked my boyfriend to hide the scales and refuse to tell me where they are at least for a few months, though I recognise they are a symptom of a bigger issue.
Has anyone got any advice? How do I break the cycle and lose weight steadily again? How do I stop being so furious at myseif and feeling like I'm broken because I can't break the cycle? Does anyone get these emotions , and if so, how are you coping/ how did you cope? And finally- did anyone manage to break a similar cycle and can tell me their inspiring story?
Thanks in advance.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2BsAFvk
