Hey beautiful losers,
Short Version:
I gained 50kg over te course of the last 5 years despite various attemts to lose weight and get into fitness again.
I am female, soon 30 years old, 162cm (5.4 foot) and last weihted 106kg ( 2,2lb) about two month ago.
I am a university student that works part time. Also I have depression, but do not take meds anymore.
My level of activity is really low as uni (if I motivate myself to do anything) and my hobbies take place on PC or table. I only walk 1000 steps on some days. My work consits mostly of cleaning, as I help around the house for elderly and injured people. Thats about 60 hours a month.
I want to go back to under 70kg. I don't have to be perfect, fit and sexy. I just want part of my life (and wardrobe) back. Since childhood I had back pains and the only time they were gone, when I was really into HIIT workouts. But I hurt my ankle really bad and can't do many jumps, long runs and virtually nothing with a jumping rope.
I tried a few times to count calories again, to have no sweets and snacks, to IF, but I think I half assed them all after I snapped and fucked up on day 3 or 4. I find it really hard to motivate myself and have no discipline at all.
I feel like I really need help. But I have no friends here to do it together with. It seems I do not know as much about nutrition as I thought I did. I lack commitment, but tis can't continue. Even If i tend to reason with my depression I can't allow myself to still get fatter and fatter. Tis is a big part of my unhapiness.
So I kindly ask whoever can relate or thinks he can help: Please help me.
Longer Version:
Concerning my depression: (NSFW because of this)
I think I have been depressed for half my life. I woried a lot as a teenager and wrote several suicide notes. But I trased them all and cried myself to sleep usually. I would have taken te bus to te castle 15mins away and trown myself down there, but I did not want to leave suffering beind. So I did not do it. I was not a kid with a lot of personality apart from not liking mainstream stuff for my age. My family always expected or at least I felt so. I never uttered any wishes and developed no drive.
My neighbour touched me and I did not tell. I fell down the rabbit ole, when 5 years later I found out he was working with disabled kids and I wondered if he did anything to them and If I had fault at that for not telling on him. I did not initially, because he had a daughter and I did not want her to lose her dad.
I was bullied throughout school for 12 years. After I got out of school various males from my class tried to sleep with me, as they apparently found me hot. But you don;t sleep with the hot bullied girld. You rather stand by and let her believe that se is fat and ugly, as the girls tell her.
My mother was really rough on me. When I began to have pimples se would force me to sit in front of her watching TV, after my sower, so se could pop the pimples on my back. I regularly wept in my bed after and I grew to resent her. Also she watched TV until 3 am usually and so loud that I would not be able to sleep.
I have had one therapy now, but I only resolved the why and did not yet fix my behaviour or anything. I have to wait 2 years for my insurance to cover a second therapy.
I tried only 2 antidepressants. Te first made me care for absolutely noting and noone and I ting in part cause one of the waves where I gained a lot of weight.
The other one cause me to lay in bed for months with headaaches and did not really do anything else for me. I lost a lot of muscle and activity in this time.
Some people tell me that I should focus on my depression and not weight loss. But my weight is part of my unhappyness and my bad picture of myself. I do not want to gain even more and do noting. It is part of the whole and I have to fix my body too.
Regarding foodand exercise:
In school I did not work out. I had PE 90mins a week and was bad at it (C usually). I sat a lot at my desk playing games or anywhere reading books. Once a weekend I did some environmental work and there I learned to be strong and to work. So I got some excercise there.
I never had breakfast as I got up and out of the house before anyone else got up in my family. Tere were also no good things to take with me. So 5th grade to 13th grade I first ate at 2 o'clock. Yoghurt, cereal, toast or a mix of tose in front of the TV.
My mom would cook really late (10pm sometimes) and I would reglarly already be in bed. She always cooked meat and only few veggies. Carbs and meat all the way. Saldas always with many fats.
If I had sweets I would demollish tem really fast.
Then came a year abroad in Australia (all the Germans seem to go there^^). I gained weight there as I worked hard on famrs and such, but also I was not used to this sweet bread and it is sometmes hard to cook healty on the go. When I came home I stuffed my face with all the German food. I reaced 69kg one day and told myself I will never be at 70kg. So I looked nto healthy food and exercise when I started university. I found my love for HIIT and anjoyed the rush of powering my self out and then all of a sudden feel really energized. (I do believe also tis eld my depression at bay)
I ate pretty healthy: porredge or bread and fruit for breakfast. Lasagna, Potatos or such and lots of veggies for lunch. Dinner was mostly veggies. As I went up to about 6 hours of workouts a week, I starded to eat a wole pack of sweets a day. I had no back pain back then and was at my lowest of 58kg and really strong.
Also in this time I ended my first serious relationship with a complete asshole, had various "frinds" fall in love with me and then ghost me when I did not want to get together, started BDSM, tried to go to therapy but struggled with the thought of just being weak, nearly got raped at my dorm and the uni did nothing about it and discovered that wat I studied may have no future.
I left this uni, my bad family and the memories of men behind and went to a university across the country (which for me is 9 ours by train. This is not the USA.). Also, I left all friends behind.
My new uni is bad, I relized that my friends here were toxic. I stopped the exercise, as there was no gym near me, gained 10kg and moved out and the new roommate was just as bad and annoying and made me sad even more. I kind of stranded where I am now, one therapy, one narcistic boyfriend, only one real friend 8who is married with kids and thus does not have a lot of time for me), 2 antidepressants, 12 bachelor semesters, 5 approaches to diets changes, 2 approaces to running, 3 approaces to go to the gym, 1 bad injury and 40kg more later... voila.
Currently I do a lot of binge eating. It is always a whole packet of Ben&Jerries, chips, choclate, gummy bears or even 3 different tings at once. It is easy to get it, because I Effin look out of the window and see two supermarkets. So, it really does not work "not having it in the house". I just need to snap for 5mins. Tis defeats all I did for the last 2-3 days and I am lucky when it just comes out neutral.2-3 days. Thats my rythm. Thats what I am able to stick to a plan until I royally fuck it up.
When I am motivated to work out, I usually feel that I can't do anything. I feel ridiculous about how fast I am out of breath, how my belly is in the way, how weak I am. I get frustrated and that is the last workout for two months. Last time I jogged I made it 6km in an hour wth loads of motivational help and a lot of pain. My ankle hurt a lot! (even though it was 2 years ago now!)
Do I even wan to do it?
Good question. I think I am comportable in the bad space I am, because it is at least known.I am guilty of giving myself lots of passes, because I have depression and it is ok if I fuck up.But this is part of my depression, of my unhappiness. I feel fat and ugly and like I display that in social life. This is a vortex that sucks me in. I am so ashamed of myself, that I won't go to the beach or for a run in the city. I do not want people to see me even with clothes on.
I think I would love not to have to put in the work. I am not used to put in work and I am out of motivation when I got myself to get out of bed.
But I do want this.
I want to get rid of: the bad body odour, te sweat in my skin folds, the stuff that collects in my belly button, the skin irritations and inflamations between my legs, the fact that I run into things because I think my arm is much smaller, back pains, bad skin, huge sacks of breasts that hang in opposite directions and just hurt when I try to work out, ...
I want to feel healthy and strong again, and sexy if possible. I want those hormonmes that exercise can give me and that are better then antidepressants. I want routines in my life again. If I can't have them at uni and work, I need them in the bed, at the meal table and in my sport shoes.
Please for the love of all that is great on this planet, someone help me my first steps on the way, because alone I have no idea were I am going and I feel that I am running off a cliff soon If I continue like this.
