Hello! This will be a long story about my life as a chubby, depressed teenager, unexpected weight losses despite having the worst diet ever,glimpses of happiness, and as of recently, about a chubby woman that is constantly bullied for looks in a male dominated space. I reached my breaking point and I need to change.
Massive thanks to this community, otherwise, I would not be as determined and informed about weight loss as I am right now! Shoutout to LukeNarwhal on Youtube, his channel helped me find this subreddit. Sorry for my english, it is not my first language.
I am a 26 year old female from EU and I have been wanting to lose weight for many years now. I have tried many times before, lost a few kilos, but then regained them again...
I have almost always been shy, had social anxiety and been on the chubby side. According to my BMI, I was in the healthy range, but close to being overweight, pretty much my whole life. No amount of chubbiness is accepted in my country, however. I am 150 cm tall so I am very short and I just hated being short and chubby, chubbiness looks even worse on short people. I used to be a slim child, up until my teens. I remember my mom being worried about me being too skinny (even though looking back at my pictures, I looked just fine, not underweight), so she started buying me some nutritional drinks suggested by a doctor.
In my teens, I started gaining weight and I was slightly chubby for years. My early teen years were lonely and sad. I spent my whole day after school at the PC playing games, I was bullied in school a bit, my relationship with my mom has been pretty cold since my teenhood. Apart from other issues with my mom, she always told me stuff like "stop eating those potatoes, your butt is huge enough already, look at yourself" and then proceed to offer more food to me and chocolate and treats every day. She was always very skinny and underweight and never ate much food, but as a stay at home mom, she cooked delicious, healthy food every day, but expected me to eat portions almost the size of the portions my older, adult brothers got. You know moms, they always want you to eat more because they cooked with love, or do not want to throw out good food. I was not in a good place mentally, not only because of my weight. When I was 15, I told my mom in an angry, crying fit of rage that I wish I was never born, I wanted to die and i do not know how to make friends.
When I was 16, I was accepted for a student exchange trip and I spent 1 year in Ireland. It was one of the happiest years in my life. I lived with an Irish family and had lots of kind and supportive people around me. I lost my shyness, and my weight. In about 3 months, I lost about 8 kilos. I remember stepping on a weigh one day being amazed by the number it showed. 47 kilos... 8 kilos make a big difference when you are short. I had the most unhealthy diet EVER though. I had sugary cereal with extra sugar for breakfast every morning, but then I had only a small lunch of 1 sandwich with some fruit and chocolate. It was a much smaller lunch than I was used to untill then, my mom always cooked 2 course lunches. I was so hungry till lunch, I thought my stomach just shrinked into a tiny ball. Eventually, my stomach got used to not having big lunches and I stopped feeling so hungry during lunch time. I frequently snacked on chocolate, almost every day, and toast with butter and sugary teas with milk. I had a sweet tooth ever since I was a child, it was my comfort food. For dinner the whole family sat down and ate together and talked. I was not used to this but I enjoyed it! I did have much more physical activity than I had before. I walked to school every day for about 30 minutes and 30 minutes back. I had a social life, so I spent the weekends outside with friends.
When I came back to my home country, I went back to eating my moms cooking and having no social life, I felt sad again as soon as I came home and chocolate was my comfort food, as usual. I quickly gained back all my weight.
When I was 18, I met my boyfriend through the internet, and 2 years later, we moved in together. He is very tall and has weight issues. I learned how to cook, I never cooked before. But almost all of my cooking was for my boyfriend. He loves meat, I do not. I was tired from cooking for him all the time, I did not feel like eating what I cooked so mostly I ate stuff like bread as a quick fix. I did not eat that bad, I cooked for myself once in a while, or had food from restaurants. Restaurants here are expensive, but can cook prety healthy. I had a problem with snacks though. I really, really loved sugar and chocolate and all kinds of junk food. My weight still was not as bad as it is now though. We live together with my bf till this day, even though we had our fair share of relationship issues. I tried the Dukan diet for about 2 weeks, I saw results, but I could not stand the food I ate and gave up. My loneliness did not get any better since I moved in with him. I have lived in his town for 6 or 7 years now and I do not even know the layout of this town. I pretty much never go out, this place does not feel like home still, I talk to almost nobody, other than my bf and his parents. I avoid visiting my mom as much as I can, that house makes me sad everytime I am there.
One year ago, I got a plan from a fitness coach that involved going to the gym for 4 times a week and a meal plan that told me to eat 6 times a day, certain foods. It was so much food, that in the evening I really struggled with finishing my meals. I was losing weight though. And then, we went to a trip to Turkey. I got an anxiety attack when I was supposed to go to the beach because I saw beautiful, slim women everywhere, and then there was me. I was there with my bfs family. His mom, is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Even as an older woman, she has the curves in all the right places. I like her, but she always reminds me that I need to lose weight. It also felt pretty awful, walking in Turkey alongside her on the beach, and every man was drooling for her and complimenting her, even though she was 57 (stuff like Madamme, you are so beautiful!), and they all ignored me, as if I did not even exist. And they had extravagant Swedish buffet meals all the time.. so I gave in again to the cravings and gained back the weight and then some. Ever since then, I kept gaining more and more weight slowly. I told myself, I cannot go past 60 kg. That would be it, I just cannot let it happen.
I am a streamer, I have a dedicated following, I started streaming about 2 years ago. I am a female and so I am constantly judged for my looks, even though I do my best to have nice make up. I travel for tournaments in videogames, a space dominated by men. They are so incredibly rude, they broke me, I cried because of people telling me the worst insults ever, aimed at my weight, giving me nicknames like Piggy. I envy other female streamers who constantly receive compliments.
I stepped on the scale about 2 weeks ago and I weighed 61 kgs. That was the boiling point, I cannot take it anymore. I started working out at home but I was not sure what to do about my diet. I found LukeNarwhal on Youtube, my new favorite channel, and from his videos covering this subreddit, I learned so much about weight loss and a healthy lifestyle. I was mindblown about all the information I did not know until now!
I started only a week ago, but I am determined this time. I feel like I have been through so much, I am so angry at people and at life, I want to be happy finally, I want to be loved and admired like my bfs mom, I want to feel good in my skin and wear beautiful, feminine clothes that show off my body. I have so much more to work on than just my weight, but weight loss is a part of my path to being happy and confident. I am working on more things in my life, and eventually, I will have to overcome my biggest fear - putting myself out there.
I am also battling the biggest sugar craving I have ever had right now and I am hungry and tired, but I would exceed my calorie intake for today if I had a snack. I felt alright until today...Must stay strong and resist. Sorry for the long story, not sure where I wanted to go with this, I just felt like I need to write my feelings somewhere as I have no one to talk to about them.
