I choose not to have a scale at home because I can get a bit obsessive when I start weighing myself and counting calories. So my only real basis is kind of subjective; how I feel and how my clothes feel.
I finally started cracking down a couple months ago and tried to lose some significant weight that I gained over the last several years due to extreme stress, depression, and poverty. I finally felt like I was making some significant changes in my eating habits and how much I consume. I’ve been eating healthier, making smarter choices, and making SIGNIFICANT portion control modifications (I have horrible issues with binge eating). Obviously I’m not perfect, but I’ve been trying so hard and I have really cut down on how much I eat. I can tell my body is adapting because I’m able to feel full on much smaller portions than what I used to eat.
I’ve also slowly started introducing activity back in my life. I know I need to make major adjustments but I’ve always hated exercising so I’m trying to wean my way into it. I work an office job so I’ve tried to spend more time using the standing desk (I know it doesn’t cause calorie deficit but it just feels like a healthier choice than sitting around all day and snacking) and going on walks. I know I need to introduce more cardio and intensity to my work outs and this may be part of my failure.
Anyway, I felt like I’ve done a lot of good lately. Maybe began thinking this would be a permanent commitment and not just a passing half assed attempt like the past. My pants (on most days) feel quite looser. Pants I could hardly even button in December fit properly now. It’s made me feel great!! Some days I look in the mirror and think I’ve even started seeing some weight loss in my face.
I still have my bad days. I still have my days where I mindlessly snack, although I’ve tried to make conscious choices to keep from going too bad.
I usually dread going to the doctor because I hate being weighed and seeing my blood pressure and getting labs and worrying about how my lifelong poor eating habits are affecting my body. But since I felt like I have made some significant progress, I was actually looking forward to seeing my doctor. I was guessing I may have lost 10-20 pounds from the last time I saw her (6+ months ago) and getting this solid confirmation would encourage me even more.
But nope, to my dismay, I’m up 5 pounds and technically the largest I’ve ever been. I know BMI and weight is not the full picture, but I’m pretty devastated. And since I haven’t been doing heavy exercise, I doubt the weight gain is muscle mass. Maybe I have lost weight and was just even heavier before, but this still feels so discouraging.
Since composing this, I’ve seen my doctor and had a heartfelt chat about how disappointed I am over this even though technically I didn’t even make this appointment for weight (but she’s a great doctor, a wonderful listener, and never judges me, so I felt comfortable admitting how upset I am). I feel a little better now, she thinks it might help if I consider Vynase for my bingey behavior but she knows I like to research things first so I’ll talk to her about it again in 3 months.
Anyway I do feel a little better after talking to my physician and my partner, but at the same time I feel so discouraged and like all of this has been for nothing. I can only hope in 3 months the number will be a little smaller this time.
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