Long time lurker, first time poster. 18yo Male, 6”1’ (185.4 cm). Started trying to lose weight seriously (as in with research and doctors’ advice) about a month and three weeks ago. Was 290 lb (~131 kg) in the second week of January. Just hit 265 lb (~120 kg) as of this morning.
I’ve bounced between chubby, chubby with some muscle, and just plain fat since I was 8 years old, but things got worse in High School because I stopped exercising and continued overeating, probably in part due to old habits, my home environment, and my own poor mental health and self image. I have only weighed above 285 twice, once three years ago, and at the crux of last year, and I realized that not only would it continue to inflict my poor self-esteem and self confidence in worse ways, but also that if I continued living the way I was there was the very real and scary possibility that I could do some very permanent damage to my body, like needing an amputation due to diabetes complications (one of my darkest and most primal fears) or suffering young of a stroke or heartattack as several members of my family tree already have. This realization came at what may have been the darkest hour of my life.
It will surprise few to know that 2020 as a year, as it was to so many others, was not kind to me. I am fortunate enough to neither have contracted nor been more enthreatened than any other average individual by that vile virus, and neither have my remaining loved ones. But due to a combination of circumstances, my social circle has shrunk from several trusted friends to exactly none; my family whose full support I took for granted has morphed to a group of pseudo-strangers whom I no longer feel I can speak to freely or ask for help; and my paramour’s recent departure from this mortal tread by their own hand has left me frighteningly alone, in a way I doubt I could have imagined but a few years prior. Furthermore, although now improving, both my career and schooling prospects as well as my financial security teetered over dark and choppy waters for far longer than I ever thought I would be able to recover from. I have spied the top all the way from rock bottom, and I am a fool for ever thinking I was invincible up there.
In this tumult, I have found solace in finally understanding that my body is almost fully under my own control and none others, and in that I have found purpose. I am going to fix my body. I have tired of being unhappy with my appearance. I have tired of being easily fatigued by the plainest of physical performance that my more fit peers find effortless. I have tired of being terrified that my own body will be the death of me. I want to be healthy, and strong, and happy, and I know that losing weight will be a step towards that. And, I don’t want to sound vain, but I want to look and feel as powerful and beautiful and lovable and worthy as I hope I am on the inside.
Forgive me if the previous paragraphs sound trite or cliche. I know waxing lyrical isn’t really the purpose of this sub. I just wish to portray that for the first time in my life, I have found that fire, that motivation to actually make a meaningful improvement to the way that I live.
But, more importantly, I’ve also armed myself with the knowledge I need to make that improvement. In the past, I have tried to lose serious weight, with all attempts usually failing very quickly after. I have rushed headlong into restrictions and fad diets and overexertions in the pursuit of health more times than I can remember. I subsisted these from a million, often-conflicting sources, each offering “the secret” or “the one trick” for weight loss and for that perfect beach body. I relied entirely on pop-culture osmosis to get my information on health.
This time, I decided to do the research. The real stuff. Not only did I read up on the biomechanics of weight loss, health, and exercise from as many credible sources as I could find, I also consulted my doctor and at their suggestion a nutritionist. I have learned so much about both the human body and my own. I have made small, incremental changes to my life over the last few weeks, doing everything slowly, healthily, and forgivingly, in ways I had never allowed myself to in the past.
In the past, I would decrease my calories to dangerous numbers, tire of it in a week, and rebound entirely soon after. Or, I would cut out entire nutrients from my diet without truly understanding (or caring about) the havoc it may wreak upon myself. (Not to dis these diets entirely. If they work well for you and are healthy, please, you do you. Just because it didn’t work for me doesn’t mean it doesn’t for you).
Meanwhile, I would either under-exercise, usually after seeing a handful of sketchy and scummy websites “helpfully” explain how unnecessary and cumbersome and not worth it it is; or, I would over-exercise, in a Icarusian attempt to undo years of malnutrition and muscle weakness and just plain laziness by running and lifting myself to death in the course of an afternoon.
The problem with both approaches to diet and exercise was that I was using both as a temporary fix to a lifelong goal. Health is not some video game achievement, some single-time payment, some one-and-done box on a list awaiting a big green check mark. It is something I must achieve by changing the way I choose to live. I cannot lose weight, get “teh helthy” and “teh sexyy bod”, and then just go back to pigging out every meal and fearing the slightest exercise. I now understand that I have to do this for the long haul. Losing this weight is an investment, an insurance to a long and (fingers crossed) happy life, and I need to maintain that investment to keep it.
So, anyway, I’m happy to say that now that I’ve checked and changed my mentality, I’m actually losing weight! And progress is still coming! Of course, I’m a long way to my goals, but my oh my, if that distance doesn’t seem smaller 25 lbs in. The reason I made this post was because for the first time that I can honestly remember, I caught a glimpse of my reflection out in public, and I actually liked the way I looked. Maybe it was the lighting, or the clothes I was wearing, or the angle, but I could actually see some muscle definition in my arms ( I have been weight training), and my belly seemed to jut from my torso a little less, and I think my legs and my butt seemed a little thinner and a bit more toned. It was strange, and startling, and subtle, but it was welcome nonetheless.
And you couldn’t see it because of my facemask, but for the first time in a long time after I have seen my reflection in public, I was smiling. :)
I may post here in the future with further updates to my journey, if for no other reason than for me to document my experience and feelings for me to look back on. But! I want to say thank you, both to you the reader for parsing this post, as well as this entire community, for being as helpful and supportive as it is. Seriously, this has been a great source for information and motivation in the far and recent past. Keep up the amazing work, everyone! I know I shall!
