Stats: HW:210lbs SW:200lbs CW:155.4lbs GW:150lbs
March 12th, 2022. There I stood in my bathroom, hovering over my scale. My breath caught in my throat, my bones stiff. I must have looked like I was sleepwalking as I neared that spot due to my eyes being glued shut. I waited a second, or maybe ten, before I dared to open them. Slowly my eyelids detached from each other, and a number stared back at me. I had peered down this barrel before, not new to the flood of emotions crashing into me. But this time, all that I could feel was relief wash over my body. This time, I was facing victory.
My name is Jerinna, and this is the story of how I found the secret to weight loss. The all coveted, hidden gem that everyone on a diet hopes would fall in their hands. The lamp that the genie would rise from and grant them their wish. But the funny thing is, this secret is right in front of us. It is within each and every one of us, and yet, most of us are blind to it. Perhaps it is because it is so clear, the transparency makes it difficult for us to realize it's there. This secret is similar to the air we breathe. It is vital for our growth but does not take any one shape or form. It is invisible but can impact how successful you will be in losing weight. This secret is...
Patience. This word has transformed my life and pushed me to achieve many milestones in my journey, both big and small. Patience is the foundation in which I have grown, but it is not the act itself that spurred my determination to lose weight and succeed in doing so despite struggling beforehand. No, it was what it taught me lessons that I am grateful to now be able to share to others.
I see patience as the root of a tree which keeps it sturdy and strong, allowing for the branches to spread and produce budding leaves. The tree is the result of patience, as it doesn't take a day to grow a tree. It will take years to grow a thick and matured tree, just as it has taken years for me to lose weight. 70 pounds will not just melt off of me like a popsicle on a summer day. It is a slow chipping of marble from a sculpture that took its time to harden. Patience cannot be learned instantly. That would defy the very word itself. This is why it took so long for me to realize that I have even acquired it.
But on this day, as I write this story, the secret that I've been searching for has struck me right in my heart. Patience has made its appearance and is here to stay. This story is not a guide that lists "rules" one must do in order to lose weight. I'm not here to tell you to "do this" or "do that". Instead, I'm here to walk beside you on this journey that you are traveling and support you along the way. I think some people don't understand how heavy the hardships that come along the way when losing weight are. Not that people think it's easy (I don't believe anyone thinks that), but those who have never tried to tackle this mission will not see the emotional battle that one must persevere through in order to come out on the other side a healthier person. Us losers have to strap our boots up, tug on our ever-shrinking gear and climb this mountain called Weight Loss. Often times, it's a very lonesome journey. It can become isolating since we are attempting to change only ourselves. But I am writing this story so that I can urge you all to look around that mountain. Once you peer to your side, you will see me and many others walking right beside you. This may be a one-man mission, but that doesn't mean you can't have support along the way.
The purpose of this story is to provide you that support from the lens of a person who understands how it feels to struggle with losing weight and has overcome that difficult path by simply walking through it. That is what patience has taught me. That as long as I keep climbing that mountain, I will continue to lead a better life. My journey has not been a smooth one, and I know that the future will inevitably have some roadblocks. But by reflecting upon my past, I firmly believe that it is one I will not hesitate to embark on.
I did not lose weight and keep it off the first time. Many people can say the same. You would think I'd be ashamed to admit this, but I disagree. Because my shortcomings are the lessons that I have learned which serve to push me further to success. June 13th, 2018 I made a decision. This decision was to make a serious effort to lose weight. I had told myself I would lose weight countless times before, but this time, I rose from my seat on the couch of my living room and proclaimed out loud that this would be it.
That decision would forever change my life. I have to say, I really did give it a serious effort. For the first time ever, I went from 210 pounds to 157 pounds, making it the one time I had carried out my promise to myself. But with all accomplishments, one must also struggle through adversity. I fell into a depression that lasted months, and on July 4th 2021 I stood on my scale and weighed 200 pounds. The defining factor that patience has taught me was that I could turn it around right now, right this second. And I did. I took the number on the scale and used it as fuel to never see it again. And by using the tools that patience handed over to me, I was able to crawl out of the hole I had fallen into and take that fateful step back up the mountain.
And here I am today. I am back on that same scale, but with a different outlook on losing weight. That victory tasted sweet, but not as sweet as my refusal to give up tasted. My nails had dug into the dirt as my teeth grated against each other, but I paid no mind to that. My eyes are set on the edge of that path which I have once traveled. But I will not stop where I left off. No, I will go even further and reach the very top of that mountain, and with my arms stretched wide, I will welcome all of you who will join me there. Follow me on my journey as I take you through my day-to-day life and my raw, uncensored, thoughts The ways that I was able to manage my binge eating disorder was by implementing a new basis for my mentality. I didn’t think of certain foods ,my "binge" foods, as bad anymore. I started to see things from a neutral standpoint. Not only neutral, but at times, positive too. Instead of seeing food SOLELY as fuel, or SOLELY for enjoyment and your emotions, I began to see food as both tasting good (which is true), but ALSO as fuel. And once I truly began to respect both dynamics and didn't take preference over foods based solely on taste, I started repairing my relationship with food.
Another thing that I realized has helped me to frame my mind better—which helped me lose weight—implementing a night time "wind down" routine. For me, I like to dress in comfy clothes, take my time eating my final treat, journal and plot my weight loss emotions for the day. To put it simply, SLOW DOWN your body. Once I made this "me time" a mandatory part of my day, I've reduced the stress my body was going through, and in turn I would rather stay in my bed, away from the outside weather (whether it was cold or hot or raining—I'd rather be in bed), than go off my routine and eat more. I was so at peace within myself, that relishing in that comfort was executed by feeling my body—every inch—sinking into my bed, reflecting on my past, and just breathing. A suspension of all doubt. Just faith. Just hope.
The strength that has always been inside you. You can do it. This is a quote I wrote for myself and repeat to myself that has helped me as well in those times of wavering faith. I hope even if you are not religious, the positive mantra can be useful like it is for me. The quote is: "A lifetime of blessings were written on my behalf by the lord and I was destined for greatness since the day I was born.” I have learned that in order for me to stick with it and consistently have progress, I had to realize that this truly was a lifestyle change. I stopped going super hard every day, restricting super low, and pushing myself to the point of exhaustion. In fact, my first time on this journey, I ate between 1200-1300 calories, and I now eat between 1500-1700 calories. I also know people who set out specific times to go to the gym to get their exercise in, and all the power to them! But I found that for me, I prefer just being slightly active throughout the day. Walking everywhere and just being mindful of my movement has helped tremendously. I have also eaten more throughout the day, while still losing weight.
Before I would eat two big meals, one usually being a cheeseburger and fries. That one meal would total to 900 calories. I realized that instead of doing that and having to wait long periods of time without eating, I just minimized the quantity and maximized the quality of food instead. Now, I eat 3 meals and I even eat on average 2-3 cookies a day, or some other substitution of a treat. But as much as I love sweets, I never realized just how important and rewarding getting the proper nutrients was, even more than the sweets. That was something I discovered as a result of eating more frequently, while also strategically finding foods that were filling, but when portioned out, was enough to keep me satisfied. A major practice that changed my lifestyle and eating habits, involves the application of mindfulness while eating.
By eating more intentionally, I was analyzing my stomach's hunger cues in real time. I began to make a game out of eating, finding patterns within the process, how I cut my food, the foods I eat first, the rhythm of chewing, tasting, feeling, experiencing. It all will be useful when reflecting! And one thing that has been the ultimate game changer, is right before eating that last forkful/spoonful of food, I take a moment to "check in" with myself, be actively aware of the fact that I have enjoyed this meal to the fullest, and then take that last bite and TRULY appreciate that meal. I thank the meal for allowing me to function and keep me alive. Finally, I wanted to write a reflection examining why in the past, despite having lost weight temporarily, I would always revert back to what had gotten me obese in the first place. I wanted to acknowledge those things, so others can see how I've changed and hopefully gain some inspiration. I will list off what has changed, one by one, and explain in detail what I have learned from these mistakes.
1.) I was afraid of eating homecooked, whole foods. Yes, in my mind, I was afraid to eat things that I would have to portion out myself. I was afraid of trusting myself. Instead, I would go to the bistro and literally only buy baskets (cheeseburger + fries/ chicken tenders + fries), and prepackaged foods such as cold sandwiches, single serving bags of chips, etc. I thought this was HELPING me, but it was actually HURTING me. It wasn't that I was eating too many calories with this strategy, that contributed to my downfall. No, it was actually easier for me to calculate my calories for the day. HOWEVER, what made me not succeed, was that I was depriving myself of the diversity that food has, which would make me crave more foods that weren't prepackaged, and not like what I used to buy at the bistro, so I'd end up BINGING on Chinese takeout or Mcdonalds. By restricting myself to only prepackaged foods—because I had no trust that I would be able to portion my own food—I would backtrack time and time again.
2.) Another big thing that has to do with restriction, was how I used to not actively focus on hydrating myself. I mean, there were days I forgot to drink water, but there were also days that I realized I'd forgotten, and by the time I realized it, it was 8pm. In the past, I would have said "Well, I guess I won't meet my water goal for today. I don't want to drink water now because it's late now and I don't want to gain weight when I weigh myself the next day". No, do not do that. Trust me. Drink your water. I had to let go of the constant need for validation from the scale, the need to always be as "empty" as possible, because that was something that made my health suffer. Once I began to hydrate myself , even late at night, my body became less tense, less stressed, and actually had an easier time RELEASING my water retention!
3.) Weighing myself every day has been monumental for me losing weight. Data is beautiful. We should not fear numbers. Numbers are there to give us feedback on how our complex body is processing our decisions. I used to push back weighing myself, would do it later in the day after using the bathroom more than once throughout the morning, hoping to see that lower number. Instead of weighing myself right when I'd wake up, I would elongate my frustration, which didn’t help. Now, I do it without a second thought. As soon as I use the bathroom, as soon as I wake up. No room to think twice. It's routine now.
All this to say, if you have read this far, I know that you are ready to lose weight. You have all that you need to do it. You have your body, a vessel filled with dreams and aspirations. You have your soul, the deep desire to live a healthy and long life. And you have me, a person who truly understands the both the difficulty and beauty of embarking on a weight loss journey. So, go on. Open that door. Take the step. Lose the weight. Step into the door with firm faith and unwavering resilience. You have the rest of your life waiting to greet you behind it.
💗 Before and after picture: https://ibb.co/44tv52W
