I posted this a while ago in r/vent, but it didn't help me feel any better. I was hoping that just screaming this out into the ether would help, but it only made me think about it more, and that only made me feel more awful for thinking this way.
I don't want to be fat anymore, and I don't want my partner to be fat anymore, either.
This is not to say "fat people suck," but for the past year, I have struggled to make peace with the "fat acceptance" part of the body positivity movement, and...haven't.
I'm fat (38/m/230lbs) and have been for the better part of a decade. Part of this is probably self-loathing after having lived most of my younger years as a smaller-and-fitter person who enjoyed being generally active (I still keep pretty active, but I used to, too!).
I've been with my partner for six years. We're just a couple years apart, and earlier on, we both made some pretty good efforts to eat LEAST eat well and exercise regularly. Our respective jobs, especially in the earlier COVID years, took a toll on that to some degree (not to blame it all on "OMG COVID," but it didn't help), and we both allowed ourselves to slide from there.
However, while I made periodic endeavors to rectify some of this and pursue at least general fitness and better health, she seems to have slid in the exact opposite direction.
Suddenly, eating more than 1 or 2 salads a week is "disordered eating." Cycling over 30 miles (when I'd formerly participate in century rides - 100mi - and touring groups - up to 300mi - each year) is "overworking." Maybe there's a grain of truth to some of that (I am almost 40, so maybe I shouldn't push myself so much?), but it seems like these criticisms are copouts. For herself. As in, I'm being made to feel guilty for trying to better myself/my health where she seems to have given up.
I'm seeing and hearing things like "BMI is inaccurate" (somewhat true), "'obesity' is just something people made up" (wut), "you're just being fed unattainable beauty standards" (not untrue, I guess, but also not really applicable here), "your body knows what size it needs to be" (I don't know where to start?), "doctors just blame every fat person's health condition on their weight" (also not completely untrue but not unfounded), and on and on.
Never mind that as we (and some friends) have aged and recently gotten heavier, we've both encountered health issues that are historically/notoriously tied to weight/weight gain (one close friend who's been obese all her life now has diabetes; another in a similar boat is at risk for losing a foot, even after weight loss surgery). Never mind that we both have some family history of heart disease tied to obesity. This is all suddenly "fatphobic" and simultaneously seems to fly in the face of an (our) otherwise-established "listen to the science" set of beliefs. We've both been experiencing physical pain, social ridicule, and some general inconveniences that could directly be tied to our weight gain, but "it's society," (partly true?) not us (not really true at all) somehow. It's frustrating. It's confounding. I understand some of it, and want to be supportive, but this feels like shallow, thoughtless activism at best.
We're fat because of our decisions. We remain so because, in short, we lack discipline. Sure, we're getting older; absolutely, we've suffered from bouts of depression that have kept us down; we never entertained any choice to become athletes or bodybuilders, but we're still fat, and we're here today because we essentially chose to be here.
We've argued about this many times over the past couple years (especially this last year), but I don't want to argue anymore. This seems to have reached a point where she's no longer listening and where I am no longer sympathetic. What's more, it's causing me to spiral into self-loathing and aggravation.
Just felt like I needed to get this out there. I'm open to support or advice, but the last thing either of us need is Nike t-shirt sentiments or "tough love."
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