I have always been fat.Ever since I was 15 “losing weight ” is one thought that had been there every single day in back of my mind.
In school I never thought of losing weight I was never bullied for being fat; for that I am very grateful. But I kept getting or being fat as I grew. But apart from that I had pretty normal child hood I was physically active playing cricket, hide n seek etc. other outdoor games with my friends.
It was in 10th standard (for those from India know 10th is pretty big deal here)when I gained a lot weight all I used to do is sit all day and study, snacking in-between meals,go to tuitions and eat a lot junk food along the way.This was also the time I stopped playing outdoors,we had moved to a new place as well and being Introverted I didn’t make new friends with whom I would play. All this together led to weight gain.
I did well in exams but not so good for my health It was during the summer vacations of 2011 after the board exam I was 16 and around 91kg this was the 1st time ever I stepped into a gym. During those 3 months of vacation I went there 5 days a week every week doing cardio and weight training but also snacking on wafers and other packaged snacks. I did not lose any weight. As a kid I did not pay much attention to my diet ( who does when you are that young anyway). But as time passed I got to know diet is as important as exercise ( Still didn’t realise how important food nutrition is more on this later).
As I went to junior college I tried to add more physical activity. Cycling to college,tuitions or pretty much any where I went, At this point I had stopped playing any outdoor sports altogether focusing only on studying. Although I was much more activity at this point then in past I didn’t pay attention to diet. I didn’t realise then but I was developing an eating disorder. I used to eat normal meals at home or college breaks but I was also snacking on junk food pretty much every day. On top of that I had these binges every 2..3 Weeks with all my saved pocket money I would wonder around alone from one fast food stall to next eating junk food eg: frankies, vada pav, sandwiches, samosa etc. (these are cheap junk foods we get typically in Indian road side stalls.)
These secret binges I haven’t shared about to Anyone till now.
These binges were always so impulsive and also I would not stop till All my saved pocket money was spent. I don’t remember exactly what triggered these secretive binges but looking in retrospect It may be because I would not want to ANYBODY to see me eat this much or in these quantities and just boredom I guess.
Time passed I got admission in College of Engineering In my FY of bachelors I did manage to lose some weight I was feeling good but then I platitude. I had stopped those binges during this time but also by being on very restrictive diet.(more on restrictive diets later).
Fy BE I was 19 back at 90 kgs this was 1st time I was lighter than when I was 16 ; also note I had grown in height as well so every thing felt good and perfect. Except that it wasn’t I had lost some weight and hit a platue again disheartened I stopped my efforts of losing weight.
Road to 130kg: It was the 2nd year of college when I let go myself again.the binges started to reoccur more frequently to the point that I was addicted. Addicted to Chinese food: this isn’t the authentic Chinese but an Indian version of chisese which is high in trans fats,sodium,simple carbs and msg etc.
I was eating A full plate of chicken noodles or fried rice and a plate of manchurian and a plate for chicken lopipops and fried noodles with schezwan sauce all in one sitting EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. To a point where it became a routine,the owner of this joint would place order as soon as he saw me. This was the worst phase of my life. This eating disorder started affecting my studies as well; I was always bloated due to high sodium and msg rich food I was eating every night and it was just mountain of simple carbs (the noodles, manchurian,gravy etc.) on my plate. I felt good when I was eating but miserable the rest of the time.
Jun 2015-June 2016 The Drop year: I flunked in all the subjects, I had to drop for year to clear my back logs. I still remember the day of results it was a monday. “F” in all subjects, I straight walked out of college alone that day leaving without mu friends,I didn’t talk to anyone at home that day didn’t tell the result to my parents. I did not go to college for rest of that week.Final on friday home alone I cried, this was 1st time since school That I had cried.I cried all day, when my Mom got home from work in the evening I finally told her the results.
The drop year was something bad I thought back then (little did I know) I thought this will ruin my career,my life. (Which it didn’t btw)
This was my rock bottom, I thought what will I do sitting home alone for a year of my life when all my friends are going ahead of me.
For 1st six months of drop year I just studied continues clearing all the back logs was the only goal, the binges were reduced not stopped by now. Fast forward 6 months later exam results all backlogs cleared. Now that was done what was I going to do for next six months ? I thought this is the time I can fully focus on my health,to regain control, so I joined a gym again in January 2016 weigh in at 130 kg. By two months I had lost 9 kg. (Most of which was water weight thinking back now.)But then I platued again this time at 120 kg.
I had joined the gym with some 6 month plan with diet consultation and trainer to guide me lose weight but turned out all they wanted to do was get me to take personal training from them for additional charges per month in addition. This was BS I saw in ever gym I had visited all they wanted was more money,taking advantage of this situation instead of helping someone. Buy this,buy that etc.
So finally I quit. I accepted the reality that I am obese there is nothing I can do to change it.
But there was a subtle but big difference this time, I started eating ONLY home cooked meals. No processed,packaged foods,no fast foods or that Chinese food.I literally changed the path to and from my home just to avoid that Chinese joint.
It was june 2016 College was about to start Since I had no weigh scale at home back then I had no idea what I weighed last time I checked I was at 121kg, and honestly I had stop give fucks about my weight.
The Unexpected weight loss: Since college started It added a lot of walking again in my life Plus I was eating only home cooked meals no snacking, I was not counting calories but thinking back now I wasn’t eating enough calories especially protiens; and my focus was on getting back on track with my studies.
This phase is is the most suprising phase of my life. As months went by I started to realise my clothes were getting loose.Earlier walking from college to the station was a gigantic task but now did feel much. Finally I bought a weigh in scale online. 99kg I was back in double digits, I knew I was losing weight but 20 kgs!!! It was a total suprise. All these years I was doing cycling,elliptical,trade mill in gym literally covered in sweat And here I had unintentionally and unknowing had lost 20 kgs not even trying to lose weight.
And thats not all the sem 5th results were in I scored the highest grades in that semester I had ever scored.
This motivated me to lose more weight So what did I do ? I thew all I had learnt from my past experiences,I started counting calories(very restrictive)on an app And joint a gym AGAIN (big mistake).
In the next year or so I did lose weight I went down all the way to 75 kg. But I was weak very weak infact this diet I was following where I was basically eating too little so I did lose weight but I did lose a hell of alot muscle mass too.
Little did I know there is something called METABOLISM. And I had fucked mine up really badly.
I started reading about food nutrition,macros and micro nutritents But at the same time I started indulging in fast food not as private binges but as social eating with friends and family. Little did I know my metabolism was so fucked up I started gaining weight again.
2018 Yo-Yo:
This was the year I graduated from college , I was doing some courses ,searching for jobs.I would occasionally eat junk food and then it became more frequent although this time it was more with friends and family and during events. I was confused this was no way near my road to 130 kg diet so why am I putting on weight again I was eating pretty healthy most of the time.
September 2018 : I had a minor sergery and due to stiches I wasnt moving much.The weight creeped back in I was at 82 kg again.
This time its keto: KETO the next big thing,solution to all problems or so I thought anyway. Getting on this bandwagon I started following keto diet restricting my carb to less than 20g per day living pretty much on dairy based fats and olive oil. (by this time I had read books and watched videos of this author “Gary taubes”)
Again I did lose weight I went from 82 kg to 72kg in just 3 months from November to February without any exercise what so ever.I stopped keto and introducted carbs slowly back in my diet.
February 2019: I joint gym again I was 70..71kg at that time lowest I had ever been since school.I wanted to built the muscle mass and repair the metabolic damage I had done to my body. This time I decided to follow a balanced diet with protein,fats and carbs. I added alot more weight training. Result after 2 months I was starting to make some improvement when I got tired or bored of gym I quit again,I realised going to gym isn’t for me but I kept my high protein diet. I had a job now I was more busy with work now so again health got side tracked. (Big mistake)
This time its Intermittent fasting:
I read about this new way of eating called Intermittent fasting I jumped into it skipping breakfast everyday to get 16:8 fasting to eating window. This time I thought I can eat whatever I want during,y eating window as long as I fast for 16 hours. I started ordering food more often in the evening I was eating chicken open shawarmas virtually every single day now.
Also I was slowly gaining weight again I had gonedown to 68 kg back in april 2019 I was again back to 78 kg in march 2020 gaining 10 kg in 10 months. All this time I was frequently ordering junk food mainly open shawarma, domino’s pizza, mc donalds nuggets etc. with no physical exercise.
The Lockdown:march 2020 to present(feb 2021)
March 2020: lockdown started in India I was WFH and also sitting all day with no physical activity.
Although Junk food and ordering from restaurants had stopped completely and I kept following IF 16:8 protocol I was also snacking on high simple carbs frequently during eating window. By end of 2020 I had kept gaining weight as I reached 90 kg by January 2021. I was frustrated with this constant yo-yo from 70s to 80s to now reaching 90 kg. I started to really deep dive into nutrition I decided I will not follow any fad diet this time I came to realise 95% people who lose substantial about of there body weight gain back all if not more within 5 years.
I was afraid this will happen to me too, and looking at my past experience with diet culture and relationship with food.
All these years I had read and heard on things which I had never paid much attention to up till this point. DIETS DONT WORK. Sustainability. Changing the lifestyle. Building healthy habits.
I turned 25 this month. I have been fight this battle with food with wrong weapons half my life now is my the time to make peace with food. I realised only way to lose weight and keep it off for life was to change my lifestyle. I have decided to take small incremental steps to a better lifestyle instead of just following a diet. I have decided to eat all macro nutrients carbs, proteins and fats as well as looking. Out for my daily micro nutrients. I have started adding fruits and vegetables along with meat,eggs and seafood. I have started using ghee and coconut oil instead of sunflower oil. I have started exploring new foods which I would have never eaten in a million years. Having hand-full of Peanuts,almonds,walnuts,cashews,pistachios,rasins,flax seeds,chia seeds etc. for evening snacks. I am having a fruit bowl for breakfast or oat meal alternating along with eggs and spoon of peanut butter, I feel fuller though out the day. I added salads,yogurt, along with rice,chapati. Carbs are not so bad after all. It is plain simple food but it god damn delicious and satisfying. I have started with a simple 45 minutes daily walk. Small incremental steps I realised not to go from 0 to 100 at once. One thing I learnt going though all this is listen to your body be kind to yourself and your body. I still have craving, Craving for water melon, cravings form those crunchy vegetables,Cravings for a plain simple dal and rice. This time I don’t have a weight lose goal. This time I am not going to starve my I have always been fat.Ever since I was 15 “losing weight ” is one thought that had been there every single day in back of my mind. Phase 1:
In school I never thought of losing weight I was never bullied for being fat; for that I am very grateful. But I kept getting or being fat as I grew. But apart from that I had pretty normal child hood I was physically active playing cricket, hide n seek etc. other outdoor games with my friends.
phase 2:
It was in 10th standard (for those from India know 10th is pretty big deal here)when I gained a lot weight all I used to do is sit all day and study, snacking in-between meals,go to tuitions and eat a lot junk food along the way.This was also the time I stopped playing outdoors,we had moved to a new place as well and being Introverted I didn’t make new friends with whom I would play. All this together led to weight gain.
I did well in exams but not so good for my health It was during the summer vacations of 2011 after the board exam I was 16 and around 91kg this was the 1st time ever I stepped into a gym. During those 3 months of vacation I went there 5 days a week every week doing cardio and weight training but also snacking on wafers and other packaged snacks. I did not lose any weight. As a kid I did not pay much attention to my diet ( who does when you are that young anyway). But as time passed I got to know diet is as important as exercise ( Still didn’t realise how important food nutrition is more on this later).
As I went to junior college I tried to add more physical activity. Cycling to college,tuitions or pretty much any where I went, At this point I had stopped playing any outdoor sports altogether focusing only on studying. Although I was much more activity at this point then in past I didn’t pay attention to diet. I didn’t realise then but I was developing an eating disorder. I used to eat normal meals at home or college breaks but I was also snacking on junk food pretty much every day. On top of that I had these binges every 2..3 Weeks with all my saved pocket money I would wonder around alone from one fast food stall to next eating junk food eg: frankies, vada pav, sandwiches, samosa etc. (these are cheap junk foods we get typically in Indian road side stalls.)
These secret binges I haven’t shared about to Anyone till now.
These binges were always so impulsive and also I would not stop till All my saved pocket money was spent. I don’t remember exactly what triggered these secretive binges but looking in retrospect It may be because I would not want to ANYBODY to see me eat this much or in these quantities and just boredom I guess.
Time passed I got admission in College of Engineering In my FY of bachelors I did manage to lose some weight I was feeling good but then I platitude. I had stopped those binges during this time but also by being on very restrictive diet.(more on restrictive diets later).
Fy BE I was 19 back at 90 kgs this was 1st time I was lighter than when I was 16 ; also note I had grown in height as well so every thing felt good and perfect. Except that it wasn’t I had lost some weight and hit a platue again disheartened I stopped my efforts of losing weight.
Road to 130kg: It was the 2nd year of college when I let go myself again.the binges started to reoccur more frequently to the point that I was addicted. Addicted to Chinese food: this isn’t the authentic Chinese but an Indian version of chisese which is high in trans fats,sodium,simple carbs and msg etc.
I was eating A full plate of chicken noodles or fried rice and a plate of manchurian and a plate for chicken lopipops and fried noodles with schezwan sauce all in one sitting EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. To a point where it became a routine,the owner of this joint would place order as soon as he saw me. This was the worst phase of my life. This eating disorder started affecting my studies as well; I was always bloated due to high sodium and msg rich food I was eating every night and it was just mountain of simple carbs (the noodles, manchurian,gravy etc.) on my plate. I felt good when I was eating but miserable the rest of the time.
Jun 2015-June 2016 The Drop year: (the Golden year) I flunked in all the subjects, I had to drop for year to clear my back logs. I still remember the day of results it was a monday. “F” in all subjects, I straight walked out of college alone that day leaving without mu friends,I didn’t talk to anyone at home that day didn’t tell the result to my parents. I did not go to college for rest of that week.Final on friday home alone I cried, this was 1st time since school That I had cried.I cried all day, when my Mom got home from work in the evening I finally told her the results.
The drop year was something bad I thought back then (little did I know) I thought this will ruin my career,my life. (Which it didn’t btw)
This was my rock bottom, I thought what will I do sitting home alone for a year of my life when all my friends are going ahead of me.
For 1st six months of drop year I just studied continues clearing all the back logs was the only goal, the binges were reduced not stopped by now. Fast forward 6 months later exam results all backlogs cleared. Now that was done what was I going to do for next six months ? I thought this is the time I can fully focus on my health,to regain control, so I joined a gym again in January 2016 weigh in at 130 kg. By two months I had lost 9 kg. (Most of which was water weight thinking back now.)But then I platued again this time at 120 kg.
I had joined the gym with some 6 month plan with diet consultation and trainer to guide me lose weight but turned out all they wanted to do was get me to take personal training from them for additional charges per month in addition. This was BS I saw in ever gym I had visited all they wanted was more money,taking advantage of this situation instead of helping someone. Buy this,buy that etc.
So finally I quit. I accepted the reality that I am obese there is nothing I can do to change it.
But there was a subtle but big difference this time, I started eating ONLY home cooked meals. No processed,packaged foods,no fast foods or that Chinese food.I literally changed the path to and from my home just to avoid that Chinese joint.
It was june 2016 College was about to start Since I had no weigh scale at home back then I had no idea what I weighed last time I checked I was at 121kg, and honestly I had stop give fucks about my weight.
The Unexpected weight loss: Since college started It added a lot of walking again in my life Plus I was eating only home cooked meals no snacking, I was not counting calories but thinking back now I wasn’t eating enough calories especially protiens; and my focus was on getting back on track with my studies.
This phase is is the most suprising phase of my life. As months went by I started to realise my clothes were getting loose.Earlier walking from college to the station was a gigantic task but now did feel much. Finally I bought a weigh in scale online. 99kg I was back in double digits, I knew I was losing weight but 20 kgs!!! It was a total suprise. All these years I was doing cycling,elliptical,trade mill in gym literally covered in sweat And here I had unintentionally and unknowing had lost 20 kgs not even trying to lose weight.
And thats not all the sem 5th results were in I scored the highest grades in that semester I had ever scored.
This motivated me to lose more weight So what did I do ? I thew all I had learnt from my past experiences,I started counting calories(very restrictive)on an app And joint a gym AGAIN (big mistake).
In the next year or so I did lose weight I went down all the way to 75 kg. But I was weak very weak infact this diet I was following where I was basically eating too little so I did lose weight but I did lose a hell of alot muscle mass too.
Little did I know there is something called METABOLISM. And I had fucked mine up really badly.
I started reading about food nutrition,macros and micro nutritents But at the same time I started indulging in fast food not as private binges but as social eating with friends and family. Little did I know my metabolism was so fucked up I started gaining weight again.
2018 Yo-Yo:
This was the year I graduated from college , I was doing some courses ,searching for jobs.I would occasionally eat junk food and then it became more frequent although this time it was more with friends and family and during events. I was confused this was no way near my road to 130 kg diet so why am I putting on weight again I was eating pretty healthy most of the time.
September 2018 : I had a minor sergery and due to stiches I wasnt moving much.The weight creeped back in I was at 82 kg again.
This time its keto: KETO the next big thing,solution to all problems or so I thought anyway. Getting on this bandwagon I started following keto diet restricting my carb to less than 20g per day living pretty much on dairy based fats and olive oil. (by this time I had read books and watched videos of this author “Gary taubes”)
Again I did lose weight I went from 82 kg to 72kg in just 3 months from November to February without any exercise what so ever.I stopped keto and introducted carbs slowly back in my diet.
February 2019: I joint gym again I was 70..71kg at that time lowest I had ever been since school.I wanted to built the muscle mass and repair the metabolic damage I had done to my body. This time I decided to follow a balanced diet with protein,fats and carbs. I added alot more weight training. Result after 2 months I was starting to make some improvement when I got tired or bored of gym I quit again,I realised going to gym isn’t for me but I kept my high protein diet. I had a job now I was more busy with work now so again health got side tracked. (Big mistake) This time its Intermittent fasting: I read about this new way of eating called Intermittent fasting I jumped into it skipping breakfast everyday to get 16:8 fasting to eating window. This time I thought I can eat whatever I want during,y eating window as long as I fast for 16 hours. I started ordering food more often in the evening I was eating chicken open shawarmas virtually every single day now.
Also I was slowly gaining weight again I had gonedown to 68 kg back in april 2019 I was again back to 78 kg in march 2020 gaining 10 kg in 10 months. All this time I was frequently ordering junk food mainly open shawarma, domino’s pizza, mc donalds nuggets etc. with no physical exercise.
The Lockdown:march 2020 to present(feb 2021)
March 2020: lockdown started in India I was WFH and also sitting all day with no physical activity.
Although Junk food and ordering from restaurants had stopped completely and I kept following IF 16:8 protocol I was also snacking on high simple carbs frequently during eating window. By end of 2020 I had kept gaining weight as I reached 90 kg by January 2021. I was frustrated with this constant yo-yo from 70s to 80s to now reaching 90 kg. I started to really deep dive into nutrition I decided I will not follow any fad diet this time I came to realise 95% people who lose substantial about of there body weight gain back all if not more within 5 years.
I was afraid this will happen to me too, and looking at my past experience with diet culture and relationship with food.
All these years I had read and heard on things which I had never paid much attention to up till this point. DIETS DONT WORK. Sustainability. Changing the lifestyle. Building healthy habits.
I turned 25 this month. I have been fight this battle with food with wrong weapons half my life now is my the time to make peace with food. I realised only way to lose weight and keep it off for life was to change my lifestyle. I have decided to take small incremental steps to a better lifestyle instead of just following a diet. I have decided to eat all macro nutrients carbs, proteins and fats as well as looking. Out for my daily micro nutrients. I have started adding fruits and vegetables along with meat,eggs and seafood. I have started using ghee and coconut oil instead of sunflower oil. I have started exploring new foods which I would have never eaten in a million years. Having hand-full of Peanuts,almonds,walnuts,cashews,pistachios,rasins,flax seeds,chia seeds etc. for evening snacks. I am having a fruit bowl for breakfast or oat meal alternating along with eggs and spoon of peanut butter, I feel fuller though out the day. I added salads,yogurt, along with rice,chapati. Carbs are not so bad after all. It is plain simple food but it god damn delicious and satisfying. I have started with a simple 45 minutes daily walk. Small incremental steps I realised not to go from 0 to 100 at once. One thing I learnt going though all this is listen to your body be kind to yourself and your body. I still have craving, Craving for water melon, cravings form those crunchy vegetables,Cravings for a plain simple dal and rice. This time I don’t have a weight lose goal. This time I will not starve myself. This time I will make peace with my food once and for all. This is my Journey wish me luck.
