So, I’m starting my weight loss journey today, and just wanted to start a journal to record my progress and feelings throughout the process, for myself and possibly for a future SO to read, if I trust them enough. I feel like this will help hold myself accountable, and allow myself to kind of go through the very complex emotions I am feeling on this journey of self-discovery, will post an update once a month.
Where I am now: I’m 6’2, 332 pounds, and not very happy about it. I’ve always been overweight since I was a little kid, but this is the heaviest I have ever been-and I do not want to be like this at thirty. The weight makes me very insecure and feeds into other issues that I have, so I am going to do my damndest to stick to it. How did I get here? Shit childhood, no education about nutrition or calories, stressful times in college, untreated mental health issues, a job that gave me more or less constant panic attacks, etc, relationship stress, etc.. It just sort of happened over a long period of time. I think a lot of people can relate to this.
What I plan to do: I’m going to follow Lyle McDonald’s Rapid Fat Loss handbook to cut down the first one hundred pounds or so as quickly as possible (while being safe), and then mellow out into a more sustainable keto diet later on. I plan on doing these posts once a month to chart my progress, and, when I lose a substantial amount, do progress pictures. I want to, in six or so months, be down to around 220 pounds or so, and not feel hideous/be treated like a leper by the opposite sex/feel confident in my skin.
How I’m feeling (month one):
Emotionally/Mentally: I started therapy, seriously, about six months ago. I think when it comes to weight loss, and real, meaningful change in general, you need to address your mental health issues first or concurrently. I never really had the opportunity or money to do it consistently before now. Learning to deal with my depression, anxiety, a terrible childhood, and to a lesser extent, a lot of my twenties has been very difficult, but I’ve started to do it. This weight loss journal is kind of a reflection of that. I’ve been struggling with the “loving myself” portion of it, and getting back up when knocked down/failing, but I’m trying.
Spiritually: I used to be a very religious person, fell away from that, just kind of lost myself, I don’t know. I’ve started going back to church since I figure I’ll need all the help from God to help achieve my goals. I feel a bit cynical and apathetic, but I’m making myself go back. I guess I feel a little bit better? I’ll see where this goes. I’m Catholic, so it’s a bit of a pain in the ass to follow all the rules et al, but it speaks to me. Hopefully there is a patron saint of weight loss, currently the guy I like the most is St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, I feel pretty in tune with him.
Physically: Well, I don’t like the way I look, at all, currently. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, and I want to change that (hence posting here). It eats at my self-confidence, and it makes me not want to go outside or really do anything out of shame. For my health, for dating, and to just feel better about myself. I want to discover who I am underneath all of this.
Relationships and Women: Not gonna lie, right now I’m legitimately scared of women, especially in the relationship sense. Being a fat guy and trying to date is terrible-you are effectively invisible to women, and often mocked for even trying. It doesn’t help that one of my prior relationships, the woman I lost my virginity to and thought I was going to marry, made an explicit point of telling me that she was dumping me because I had gained weight. Mind you, this was a woman I had supported through joblessness, helped through three suicide attempts, and who had promised to always be there for me no matter what. Except, apparently, when I gained weight (largely due to the stress of all of the above), that was too much for her. I don’t want to become bitter or have my heart hardened or anything, but I’m afraid that even after I lose this weight, I’ll always have to wonder. Will I get dumped again immediately if I gain any of it back? What about if I have loose skin? If I can get dumped for something like this, what happens when I get older or if I get sick? How can I learn to trust women again, after going through this? I hope someday I can go back to a less cynical, more trusting love. I’m also afraid that I will always feel like I have to settle for someone who maybe isn’t the best person for me like happened in the next relationship I had after the girl who dumped me for being too fat, because I feel like I’m not worth something better and I should just take whoever because I might never find someone else? I don’t know, a ton of worries in this department, I hope it gets better as I lose more weight and progress in therapy.
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3pIFpjD
No comments:
Post a Comment