Today I hit 100 lbs down from my highest weight (287 to 187) and I was happy to see it but just kind of ... I don’t know, it felt anticlimactic. I thought to myself that’s great. Ok, on to my day. I’ve been looking forward to it for so long I guess I thought it would feel different.
Anyway, the last few months I’ve been trying to focus a little more on my mental health and things other than just weight loss, like keeping up good sleep habits and moving more and doing more for myself than eat/work/tv/sleep.
I got back from my afternoon jog and walking past a mirror caught a glimpse of myself - messy hair, still kind of red, in old workout clothes - and my first thought was “hey, I actually look... kind of beautiful.”
And then I immediately started crying. I’ve just never had that happen. I don’t think I’m a bridge troll or anything, but my very first thoughts about myself are usually derogatory somehow: ugh, I hate my hair, my stomach is saggy, my butt is too flat, etc. But lately, focusing on positives - running has been about what my body can do now, getting my heart rate up because I’m not sick, feeding myself good food because I know my body needs this or that, sleeping right because it makes me feel better - all that positivity seems to have leaked over into that other part of my brain where all the negative self talk usually is. And that means so much more to me than the weight loss. I never thought I’d be able think good things about myself without forcing it or feeling like I’m just lying to myself. I guess what they say about how you can’t hate yourself thin is true.
So I’m celebrating that today, I love myself, and I wanted to share it with people who would understand. :)
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