I have a confession: I gained about 50 pounds in 1 year. I went from 180 pounds to 230lbs from June 2020 to June 2021.
I started my weight loss journey about 3 years ago when I entered my freshman year of college. I weighed about ~210 pounds. Not even my highest weight, either. At that point, I had already lost about 15 pounds by making small changes in my diet with no real conscious calorie counting on my part, however. Once I entered university, I decided to seriously start losing weight. And I did! I managed to get down to 180 pounds in a year. About 40 pounds, halfway towards my weight goal. Some people even noticed my weight loss at that point, too. For a year after that, I tried to lose more weight before ultimately deciding to maintain my weight before trying to lose again. And again, I managed to maintain my weight for the whole year. I ate a balanced diet of healthy food and some junk, and I exercised pretty moderately. It finally felt like I was fixing my relationship with food and developing a good exercise habit - even if they were nowhere near perfect or healthy.
But then COVID hit, and all of my hard work was flushed down the drain. I feel ashamed for letting myself go. It did a number on my self-esteem in a variety of ways. But also, physically being at this weight is exhausting. And worst of all, I couldn't cling to this small sense of self-accomplishment when so many other things in my life were going no so great.
I think there were tons of contributing factors to my weight gain. For one, I moved back home to a family with less-than-stellar eating habits - fast food and junk were always around. Second, I lack access to gym facilities and safe exercise areas. Fourth, pure laziness on my part. Lastly, falling into deep depressive episodes triggered by multiple events of the past year where I would starve for days and then seriously binge for weeks - I had rebirthed my worst eating habits and gave myself a worse version of my BED that I had managed to tame.
And I feel like they are valid excuses for gaining weight, after all, I realize I can't be too hard on myself lest develop another mental issue or eating disorder. But the amount of weight I gained and the short amount of time make me so ashamed of myself. 15 pounds is excusable, but 50 is seriously depressing.
But I just want to add, that now I realize how much of an emotional and mental journey losing weight is as much as it is a physical one. I've gotten pretty good at the mechanics of losing weight - I lived off CICO for two years after all. But when it comes down to having any semblance to a healthy relationship with food was my ultimate downfall.
So what do I do now? How do I fix this relationship with the food I have? How do I keep my motivation and discipline constantly knowing and being reminded in the mirror that I'm trying to fix one of the biggest mistakes I've made this year?
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