I've literally just made this throwaway because I finally admitted to myself I need help. It's a long post so I want to say I deeply appreciate everyone for taking their time to read this.
I have been overweight all my life. When I was 7-8 I was obese, then I got taller and slightly improved. I am 170 cm tall (~5.7 ft).
I was diagnosed with pcos at 14, when I did an ultrasound scan of my ovaries, because I haven't had my period yet. The doctors said just to wait and I got my period one year later, it had never been consistent tho.
When I was 16-17 years old I lost 8 kg, I went from 68 (149 lbs) to 60 (132 lbs), in about 5 months. I would go to the gym every other day and paid more attention to what I was eating, but nothing too extreme and I didn't find it difficult. I wasn't anxious to lose weight if you know what I mean, somehow I just committed. Some months later, I was 17, I moved to another city and for the first couple of months I was eating very unhealthy foods, mostly processed sugars like cookies etc. And I was drinking wine multiple times a week. I don't know if this matters but I also took one morning-after pill during that period.
Well, as you can imagine I put some weight on, like 5 kg, not too much, but my period stopped completely. Months later I finally decided to see an obgyn, she put me on birth control (novadien) and then lockdown happened.
From then on this binge-restrict cycle started and never finished. I lost kgs and regained more kgs multiple times in the past two years. During summer 2021 I was put on metformin and inositol and tried eating less carbs and I lost 2 kgs in a couple of weeks but it was absolutely unsustainable for me, with the metformin (500mg twice a day) making me feel SICK all the time and the inositol being so expensive. I was also running at least 5k 3 times a week, an habit I had until some months ago. It didn't make much difference tbh
Summer 2022 I went to a different endocrinologist and she told me I don't have to take any medicine or supplement and just "do what everyone else does to lose weight" (sic).
I think I now weight around 75 kg (165 lbs), my highest ever. I stopped birth control some months ago because I really didn't see a reason to take it and of course my period stopped again (but the period you get while on bc is not a real one as you may know).
I have a very bad relationship with my body. I'm only 20 and I feel like no one can be attracted to me if I weight so much. I love fashion and many of my clothes don't fit me anymore. I've been in therapy for this but also for more important mental health issues. I'm scared of getting diabetes.
Any advice on how to lose this weight for good? To me food it's like a drug. I don't smoke cigarettes but I bet smokers have the same cravings I have towards sugar and carbs. And it sucks. Everytime I decide to commit again to weight loss I never go past the first couple of weeks.
I'm desperate. Thank you.
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