I tell myself I am having one of those moments and to re-focus and move on, but in reality, since November, my weight has yo-yo-ed the same 2-3 lbs. After three months, it is beginning to utterly defeat me.
I started mid-summer last year, after years of avoiding the scale, I faced the scale and I knew I couldn't allow myself to continue down this path. I needed change and most important, I wanted it and committed to gaining back control over my life. Lets be honest, the writing is on the wall on how obesity effects your health. But obesity found every vulnerable every crack of my soul, it impacted my confidence, my self-worth, my self-image. By November, I had lost at my best, 53.4 lbs. I am at 51 lbs this morning on my weigh day. I am still very much obese, if not clinically morbidly obese for my 5'5 frame.
My very supportive partner will soon give me that soft look and say, ``Hey, at least it`s a small loss`` last week it was, ``Hey, at least it isn`t a gain`` or when I gain, ``Don`t be too hard on yourself``. He has heard me say the same phrases to myself it get past the disappointments and to keep that frame of mind, to keep the other thoughts at bay.
But I am terrified of slipping backwards and giving up.
I had so much success this summer. Am i just failing, again? It helped me in more ways than weight lost. It helped me believe in myself that I could do it, that I could be healthy, and not be limited by all this weight that has held me down all my teen and adult life. Three months of yoyo-ing is *hard* on the heart. It is hard to maintain that focus when you`re just beginning to hold together a new foundation of ``you``, of confidence, of feeling healthy, of feeling good in my clothes. That other voice inside of me just screams Have you had enough yet? What is the point? This isn't meant to be. It's not for you.
Last week was the same inner dialogue and fight, and the week before that too. The struggle to acknowledge that I am allowed to feel like this, but not to allow it to compromise all that I have accomplished. I self-talk and pull myself through the morning and define in what ways I need to do better next week; drink more water, be more mindful, replace snacks with fruit and vegetables, and for all things holy just decline all the snacking and merriment at work.
I am praying for cessation.
I am beyond tired of self talk and just pushing through the results of the week. A week were I often feel I have done good, not perfect, but good, good enough to at least see some success. I am defining success by weight loss. I know success is measured in many more ways than that. But I need some success in weight loss, otherwise... like what am I doing? I am not at the weight where I can go, "Okay, it might not be the weight/size/whatever I had in mind, but I am a healthy weight".
I am not great at always being consistent with measuring my amounts. It is a lot of tedious work. I try my best at being consistent with it because it is something that I do not enjoy doing. This winter has made it hard to get out, last summer I walked 4-5 times per week. I don't yet have the confidence to even consider looking into a gym membership. We still have at least 2-3 months of winter, I usually get a walk in twice a week. I know that decrease in activity isn't helping me, but when I am otherwise following my program (WW) pretty well most weeks, I should not be yoyo-ing.
This morning is a hard morning where I don't know what I need to do to see it through. I knew I needed to get it out. I can do all the reading in the world to get new ideas, it gets overwhelming and the information can be conflicting.
I figured this was a good place to "let it out" and I hope someone sees this who has gone through something similar, because I know this isn't a unique story. It is, nonetheless, a very important part of my story right now.
Time to refocus, give myself permission that how I feel is alright, and move on to make today better.
Deep breath.
tl;dr: I have been trying to lose weight since this summer. I am struggling with three months of weight fluctuation. This morning I am feeling low, frustrated and defeated. I hate winter. I am worried I will lose grasp on my commitment on continuing my weight loss.
