Hi. This is my first time posting on reddit and I am very fragile and will be completely honest. I hope I can stay strong through the responses. I am just at a breaking point and really need support and advice and it would be nice to find someone ojt there going through something similar.
For a bit of background I have been overweight all my life and it really bothers me and I feel extremely fragile about it and I get fat very easily. I remember being 5 and everyone described me as extremely active and I was still made fun off for being fat. And it is not like I ate that badly, I am sure I ate candy like all kids but my mom made a loint of me eating fish and veggies and all that. Anyways throughout my life I have yoyoed. I have done some unhealthy things to lose weight even as a minor and pressured by my parents. And naturally I gained the weight back and more. Things got worse when I went overseas for college at 17. When I was 19/20 I started getting persistent lower back pain that radiated. I wasted a few years with wrong diagnoses. Weight was massively emphasized by doctors. I lost 20 kg. Not a difference but they did not care. Things progressed, the pain is debilitsting and I really had to fight to do things like finish my degree and try to have a semblace of a normal life. But it is very hard. Standing up without walking hurts a lot within minutes sitting within 30 minutes and walking within 20/30 minutes on good days. I have been on medicstions that did nothing but give me side effects including weight gain. Fast forward I was referenced to the pain unit finally and it took months to get in due to my age. Doctors say contradictory things about my pain but the most accurste seems to be sacro iliac disfunction and I have tried a lot of things including alternative medicine which shiws how desperate I am/was. Again weight was massiveky emphasized. They were actually pretty verbally abusive at times. I had doctors bring up weight in compassionate ways but they were just terrible and made jokes in the middle of painfull procedures etc... So I was referenced to bariatric surgery. I was 24 or 25. I did a gasteic sleeve. I lost 40 kg. The pain did not imptove one bit. I did muscle strengthening via clinical pilates and physio and things still did not improve. Of course the exercise I can do is very limited due to pain. But I would push through the pain when they told me it woukd help an often would cry from the amount of the pain. But it did not help. The surgery made my metabolism a lot worse. But maybe because of my age within two years I can eat a lot more than initially. It is still less than an average person but thst made me plateau and even gain a little weight. This year I started a PhD overseas with a lot of fears due to pain etc. And I gained like 20 kg back. My main problem is sweets. I definitely have a psychological problem but I do not know what to do. I have gone to therapy for three years as well as a psyquiatrist and I am on meds. Truth is it is extremely hard for me to talk about it but sometimes I feel like junk food is the only thing that can get me through the days. I do have severe depression but I have been working bard on it and still here I am. I want to lose the weight I gained back but I am having a lot of trouble with motivation. It feels like I will always be miserable. Either because I have to severely restrict and miss out in order not to lose weight or because I am overweight. The fact that the weight loss did not helo the pain also makes me feel very tired and demotivated especially because of how pain robs me of coping skills and of doing proper exercise. I can only walk for like 30 min on good daya with extra pain and it does not stop when I stop walking. I am in pain all the time. This is all on top of it. I also suffer from extreme fstigue. Like I will feel sleepy tight after wakingmuch up even if I slept well. I have to fight eztremely hard not to nap and feel lots of brain fog and it ia hard to progress with my PhD the way I feel. I feel an extreme need for sleep like 3 times a day and its hours. I have been fighting my hardest to not give in and work but it has been very difficult. I absolutely do not know how I will lose weight like this. Surviving feels so hard. I feel like I have gotten all the help I can afford too. And I feel really ashamed I messed up the surgery weight loss. And 20kg seems like it will take ages to lose and I do not kniw how to keep exercising through the pain and restric my eating so much while still being able to do the PhD. Even if I make it it seems like things will be even more bleek and miserable and I feel like I can barely take it as it is. I really do not know what to do. There are family pressures and some abusive environments on top too. And I am now scared to go to doctors cause all they will see is the weight gain and bully me to no end. I was just wondering if anyone has tips or can relate. I am 27 female by the way. 1,74cm, roughly 110kg.
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