hi all...this will be a long one.
I am a long-time reddit user who recently deleted my old account because I got toxic with asking for advice from strangers on the internet then taking it too much to heart. but atm I dont know where else to go and I needed to vent.
my life is...an emotional mess. and my weight is hugely suffering (no pun intended). I dont even know where to begin. there is so much I need to "work on" that I feel overwhelmed and now years have passed without me even bothering.I have always been big. my whole life. starting weight (and highest ive ever been) was 314lbs) been bullied for it at school and at home. it wasn't till last year (sept 2020) that I suddenly decided I wanted to lose weight for ME. im not even really sure why.
in dec 2020 I was living in NYC for my phd. I was loving life. going out, meeting people, parting, exploring, starting dating a super hot guy (I wanted to try out casual dating since I couldnt find a serious BF and started to realise how lonely I had become) and just having SO much fun. I did have acute stress and aniexty (I had psosaris and arthritis so ive always taken stress quite literally on my body) but I had a therapist in NYC and it was helping. my main issue was I had searing chest pain due to aniexty which freaked me out a lot. I also suffered a lot of panic attacks. but I was WORKING on it! I was going to an Ivy League for a visiting scholarship. life was still overall awesome. I started walking more, eating less and lost weight. lost about 20lbs in 4 months. but i also developed PCOS in the process (my body reacted weirdly to the sudden decline in weight after YEARS of a steady incline). I took a break cos I had had a period for 1 month straight (heavy bleeding). it stopped. I stopped losing. corona virus hit. lock down began and I had to go home (UK). I thought it would last 2 weeks tops (no joke, what a shit show). I go home and started failing with the phd work (supervisors even recommended I re-think doing a phd) and struggled for 8 months with deciding to leave it or try again. 8 months! stress, aniexty and depression hit. after 8 long months in lock down slowly working on a failing phd, I quit the phd and gained back the weight I lost. I had no study, no job or direction, left NYC the city I fell in love with, just got ghosted by the man I lost my virginity to in NYC (after 3 months of a stupid situation-ship I should never have entered into in the first place) and was depressed and lonely AF. I spent April and maymourning a relationship (I barely had) for 2 months when I got home. I spent the subsequent spring and summer walking around in parks, drinking coffee alone in my car on drives and going to grocery stores as a source of entertainment (it was still lock down late 2020 here). I had moved back home permanently after years living out/abroad and was adjusting to being with my family 24/7. it was hard. I was sad.
around September (after the depressing spring and summer) I decided to get a gastric ballon (3 months long, suppressed appetite). I dont know - even now - what motivated me to finally lose weight. I think the combo of walking, realising I can eat whatever I want (and lose weight) and genuinely wanting to live longer was the trigger. oh and I wanted to buy all the clothes I ever wanted without worrying about only going to the plus size section. did the ballon. I did lose weight. I lost a good 10 kgs (basically the weight I lost in NYC naturally). I could have lost more but tbh I didnt utilise the time with the ballon the way I should have. the most weight I lost, I lost in the first week (did keep it off though). yes - the ballon wasn't utilised the way I had wished BUT I learnt a LOT was weight loss, diet and Heath in 3 months (due to understanding when I was actually hungry, how much food I actually needed and I learnt to not overeat and be less greedy/binge! - yay me!). once the balloon was out, I continued. having the balloon (mostly due to the £ my parents put into funding it) motivated me to continue the 'weight loss journey'. I felt bad, I didnt wanna loose that progress but I also liked seeing how healthy I was getting. I also figured around that time I needed to figure out my career and over winter started looking for a job. it took a solid 2-3 months or so but I got a really great job by January. a really good job (and competitive one). life was looking up.
I need to add here - around jan 2021 I started getting the non-stop period again. I go on the mini-pill for 6 months which makes no difference, see specicalists and nothing. my non-stop "period" (small bleeding everyday which increased when I exercise) just ended a month ago. I bled everyday for almost 8 months.
life continued looking up till about June-ish. I noticed everyone around me progressing...in a different way. friends were getting in relationships, married, engaged, babies - all of it. and here I was, JUST got over a 3-month situation-ship (of which, tbh, my main focus was losing my V-card but then I caught feelings). I threw myself into the dating apps and dated over summer with no real results. I knew casual things/fwb/whatever wasn't for me. but guys, I was (and still am) - lonely. so lonely. I feel so alone. I want someone. I want a relationship. I want someone to care for me and someone to care for. but I am fat woman in a skinny society. all men see when they see me is fat. they see funny, kind, caring, considerate, smart, witty or a well-situated individual in society. they see fat and belly rolls and not-arm candy kinda girl. I felt ugly again. I was spiralling emotionally again. I felt the intense loneliness I felt when I got to NYC. I had a few minor panic attacks again and felt that familiar searing pain in my left arm (which I use to think was a heart attack every time it happened - scary way to live. so I did something silly - I got in touch with an old friend who I knew wanted to have a fwb with me. and I did it. I got involved again, with another emotionally-unavailable man. it started off fine, we hung out all summer (while I was also dating) and it was fun. then feelings got involved and things got complicated. I was forcing myself to have a casual relationship out of pure loneliness even thought I know damn well I am a relationship kinda girl. I wanted more and he did not. things ended and I told him I needed time to get over things. it feels like a break up, but it isn't a break up :-/
in the last 2 months that this all started going downhill, I stopped losing weight, I started doing really badly at work and gained 6lbs. and not just through being lazy, eating badly too. I lost all the disipline I gained over the last year. just today I had 4 slices of pizza, a doughnut, pancakes, pad Thai, spring rolls and cake. just TODAY. I haven't eaten like that in MONTHS. I haven't comforted myself with food in MONTHS! I use to walk when I was stressed (a good habit I picked up in NYC when exploring the city and lost after started working from home). for the past 2 months I feel like I want to cry everyday but it wont come out. I began therapy again - for depression - about 2 months ago and although it has been helping I keep thinking what will I do when its over? I cant seem to manage my emotions. I did manage to recover at work but that was mostly out of fear of not passing probation (which was extended due to poor performance). my health issues weren't resolving. the period problem wouldn't stop and with winter approaching now my prostatic arthritis is getting worse. my aniexty is worsening. my stress is out of control and I feel so damn lonely.
today I am sitting here after trying meditation, yoga, social media cleanses, not using my phone for hours a day at a time, cutting out people, letting them back in, cutting them out again, keeping to myself, opening up, watching countless ted talks and whatnot and I am TIRED. I am TIRED of "working on myself" and feeling the same after periods of time. feeling sad, lonely, tired, fat, ugly and lost in life.
my weight is suffering. my health is suffering. my heart is suffering, my brain is suffering. this last casual relationship really made me crazy emotionally. I lost my balance in life. and now I feel tilted. I feel really lost and confused. I want something which I know isnt good for me but doing all the right things (avoiding casual relationships because I know that isnt me or someone who doesn't have capacity for me in his life) is HARD. doing all the "right things" still leaves me lonely. yes - way less stressed and 'empty feeling' but still lonely and I am taking it out on my weight.
my weight, my general health (PCOS, skin and bones), my pathetic love life, my stress and aniexty...it is all getting to me. I just feel so helpless. all I want to do is cry but it wont come out. I want to cry SO BADLY. its as if I have accepted that my life is this and there is not point even crying about it.
all I know is that I am freaking lost and I feel sick after binging all day and all I want to do is smoke a cigarette (which I am also avoiding after smoking way too much the last few months). I dont know what I hope to achieve posting this. I dont know if I want advice or comfort or something else. I just felt like I needed to get it down.
thanks for reading if you made it this far.
