I am a 23 year old female, and I have struggled with disordered eating my entire life. I was a chubby child, and I first became aware of this in grade 3. This started my battle with anorexia, and I reached my lowest weight of 100 lbs in grade 12 at 5’9. When I got to university and was dealing with all sorts of new stressors, i switched from anorexia to binge eating. At first it was okay because I was so underweight previously so a bit of weight gain was good, but then it continued. I am now 23, and weigh 200 pounds. I am covered in stretch marks and I hate everything about my body. The worst is that I have no one to blame but myself.
I believe I am addicted to food. I eat even when I’m not hungry just because I love eating and I love food. I deprived myself of food for so long that I think I just couldn’t stop once I started. I start the day off strong, having a small bowl of oatmeal with almond milk and a tablespoon of peanut butter. I don’t eat lunch because I have a crazy work schedule. But then I get home and I make supper and I find myself going back for seconds and even thirds. And then my partner will make cookies and I’ll eat those too. I had to stop buying chips because I would eat a family sized back of Doritos in one evening. I am constantly thinking about food, the thoughts just won’t go away. And even when I try to stop myself from eating I somehow convince myself it’s okay. I just love the taste of food so much and it gives me so much joy in a rather joyless life.
The thing is I’m not someone who is ordering out every meal and constantly eating fast food. I rarely ever have take out, and always cook a home cooked meal for dinner. I just eat copiously.
I tried noom once on the free trial and actually lost 10 pounds but I couldn’t afford the subscription so I quit and gained back 20. I’m decently active, I love going for walks and bike rides, but I can’t outrun my terrible diet. My friend informed me my partner will be proposing to me next month and all I can think about is how ashamed I am of my body in pictures and how no matter what I am going to hate the photos because I hate myself.
I am so desperate for a solution, but I can’t afford therapy or weight loss subscriptions. Has anyone dealt with this before and found way to overcome it? I just want to have a healthy relationship with food.
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