I just need to tell someone this because I am proud of myself.
I started my weightloss journey almost 4 years ago. I started at 188 lb, and am down 47lb today. A lot of my weight loss journey has been ups and downs, nothing super consistent. I would obsess, focus on hitting a calorie deficit no matter how I felt, work out even if I was sick. I would burn out every few months and regain 10lb each time. It was an extremely slow weightloss because of it. Eventually I had to maintain because I got really really sick.
During this time, the therapy I had started 15 years ago finally clicked with me. I had been forced into therapy as a teenager, and obviously very resistant. A lot of medical abuse and a conservatorship led to my mental health deteriorating. I was finally rediagnosed two years ago and I got a hold of my medical records. Been working through that, my issues with control, and my actual mental health problems in therapy since then. For some reason, it all clicked last year.
How does this tie in with weight loss? I started again this year, with the goal to just take it week by week. Do I want to gain? Do I want to lose? Do I want to maintain? I made that decision each week. My only requirement to myself is that I track it all, whether half-assed or with the scale. I noticed that I am forgiving myself more often than not. I have been sick for the last two days and I told myself, let's just track. I am sick. I need to rest, I cannot exercise, and I will do that when I feel better.
Before, I would either stop tracking and eat what I want, or I would not rest and get so sick I would be in the hospital. I would feel out of control and I would try to regain it anyway I could.
I haven't felt that the past two days. And I have been still at a very slight deficit. I don't feel out of control. I feel very....normal. I haven't obsessed over weight loss for the past couple months. I have been just okay, maybe even bored with it. And I think that's what I want. I don't want to be excited when I see the scale change. I don't need those hits of dopamine. I changed a lot of my portion intake to be lower, and I feel healthier. My body is changing. My "mommy pouch" is mostly gone. I have more energy than normal.
I am still not in my goal range, but I am still happy to be where I am at. My mental health is better. My illnesses are under control since reducing my portions to stay around or under 100grams. I look forward to being able to climb and play with my 3 year old. I look forward to hiking longer.
Thank you for reading this if you got this far!
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