Hey this is long 'cause I really needed to get this out and I am sorry if it's hard to follow, feel free to ignore. I just puked out all my thoughts and idk if it even made any sense 'cause my brain has been working at 5% capacity for the past month because of this situation.
So basically I pay 425 euros a month for utilities as opposed to the 125 I paid at the beginning of the year, and I did not exactly have 300 extra euros in my budget so that bill is being paid from money I would've spent on groceries and then some. As I said in the title, it's gotten so bad that I now receive food from the food bank. Aside from the fact that I am riddled with guilt 'cause I feel like I don't deserve the help, I'm also an incredibly picky eater and throughout my entire weight loss journey I've basically just been eating the same meal every day for a month 'cause that's what works for me.
The food bank keeps giving me stuff that I'm definitely not gonna eat, and I feel incredibly defeated and guilty. They also give stuff that I do eat, but that tends to be more calorie-dense foods. I wanna be grateful that this help is even available to me, but I DON'T WANT IT. I wanna be independent and provide for myself. I wanna be able to decide what I get to eat and what I keep in my pantry. I don't want people to waste food on me that I'm not gonna be able to eat in time, or because it's something that I literally couldn't shove down my throat if there was a gun to my head.
I've been working really hard for the past 5 months and I've come so far! I've lost 17 kgs and I've built a ton of muscle but now honestly when I look at myself I just see how fat I still am. I am 100% in survival mode and I am so fucking tired. I want to lose the rest of the weight. I deserve to lose the rest of the weight but I am afraid that I'm gonna gain weight because of the stress and lack of control over what I get to eat.
I am now learning the hard way how to be creative with food and how to use your nose to tell if something's truly expired and even though that's ultimately a good thing, my mental health is just not in a good place right now so everything seems bad and sucky. I severely under ate on multiple days last week because of stress and circumstances, which led to an initial dip in my weight which was quickly followed by a 1,5 kilo gain as soon as I started eating normally again. I know that's not something I should stress too much about 'cause I am tracking my calories, I know I'm not overeating but honestly I just can't take anything right now. AAAAAAA.
Also I am being a hater but the food bank is great and I'm glad and thankful it exists. But it is still you get what you get and you gotta make do and that SUCKS. I just feel like I am trapped in hell and I can't spend my own money and can't make my own choices so I hope it's clear that the frustration I'm expressing is because a global situation completely out of my control has driven me to a corner and I have lost control over this part of my life. Exactly the part that I have been focussing on for the past 5 months and now everything is shaky and unstable and I want to cry.
I am being a big baby lol but I hope at least someone understands. Does anyone have any similar experiences or just some words of encouragement ;n;
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