5'2" F 36, SW 257 lb GW 125 lb CW 254 lb
Hello, this is my first post in this sub, although I've been lurking for a long time. I keep losing and regaining the same 30 pounds, and this is the third time I'm trying. Back to the beginning.
A bit about me, I've been fat all my life. I don't binge, but if unmonitored, I naturally overeat slightly, which led to me gradually gaining 5 to 10 pounds a year for 20 years. I have tried to lose weight pretty much my whole life, but I never succeeded because I kept trying to restrict and I didn't realize I needed to add healthy foods rather than deprive myself and feel hungry all the time.
Last year I found this sub, and it finally clicked that I was trying to get results by being cruel to myself, and that just wasn't something I could keep up with. I decided to try making one change at a time. At the time, I didn't eat too much junk food, but I did eat too much pasta and other high carb foods, which led to me being hungry all the time. And so I added in protein and vegetables, and that actually kicked off weight loss! From there it was more changes, like coming up with recipes I like that work. And I found that if I focused on protein and vegetables first, my calories naturally went down, and it wasn't hard to maintain a deficit. And also I found that if I just committed to logging everything accurately, I naturally held myself accountable.
Then life threw a curveball at me in the form of several stressful events - a chaotic move, depression, medication changes that made my hormones go haywire, chronic illness. And I stopped logging and weighing myself, thinking I just had to maintain until I could get my head back in the game, but I gained it all back because my hunger signals can't be trusted and I can't remember everything I eat without it being written down. And this happened twice.
And I am so damn tired and frustrated with myself that I let it get this bad again. Why didn't I catch it earlier? I'm trying to view the weight gain as a setback. 1) I never stopped trying to be conscious of what I ate, so I am still better off than I would have been 2) I learned things about myself that I can apply going forward. The next time something stressful happens I won't stop logging and weighing. I now know that those are things I must do for life.
Anyway, now I know what to do. The old habits fit like a glove. But I am STRUGGLING. I have PCOS, Hashimoto's, ADHD, depression, and I'm in constant pain from my chronic illness. It makes it hard to cook consistently. Every day feels like a battle. I know what choices I have to make, and I make them minute by minute.
It's just. Really disheartening seeing the number on the scale. I'm scared that I'm going to backslide again. That I'm going to gain even more. That something is going to happen and life will turn chaotic again and I'll lose control. I'm hanging on by a thread, barely. I really don't want to gain again.
This time last year, I was looking forward to seeing myself now in one-derland. Instead, I weigh more than ever, and watching the numbers go down doesn't hold the same satisfaction for me.
I have lost 3 pounds so far, and it just feels like, good job you utter failure, you managed to not fuck up.
It feels like I have such a long journey ahead of me, and I'll never see the end.
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