So, I'm a 29yo woman and 6ft. At my heaviest, I was 340lbs and I'm now sitting at 272. Still got 100lbs to go, but 70lbs in a year and a half is crazy.
But, now that I'm actually looking at myself and being honest with myself, tracking everything I eat, weighing food, weighing myself, going to the gym consistently, my clothes are looser, I'm noticing non-scale victories, all the things you want to see during a weight loss journey.
But my self-esteem is worse than ever. My best guess is because before, I never really looked at myself. I knew I was fat but I wasn't going to do anything about it, so why stress? But now that I've got myself under a microscope, I can't escape that thing in the mirror. I'm still fat. I'm still gross. I'm still so far from where I need to be. I used to make TikToks and take a bunch of selfies just to have fun. I wasn't trying to look attractive but I wasn't scared of what I looked like either. But now, I don't do that. I get stressed out when somebody wants to take a picture. I had to find a picture of myself for something and I had to scroll 8 months back just to find one and it wasn't even decent. When I go to the gym, I'm always looking down or have my back to the mirror. The chest press is right in front of the damn mirror and I literally close my eyes. I wanted to take singing lessons again and it was over zoom and all I could focus on was that fucking thing in the video. I didn't take the class cuz I didn't want to look at that thing for an hour every week.
I've lost 70lbs. I should be hella proud of myself. But all I can see is that I'm still fat. Everyone else can see I'm still fat. I've still got 100lbs to go.
I'm not sure if I'll ever be happy, but to be fair, I didn't start this journey to be happy. I started this journey so my corpse would fit in a normal sized casket cuz those are cheaper.
And don't start with the "you need therapy" shit. I'm not interested in paying money I don't have to talk to someone who doesn't care. :)
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