Hello,
I apologize if this post sounds a bit too formal for reddit, I've never made my own post before, and certainly not on a topic that I'm sensitive about. I'm very fearful of rejection and such, even with online anonymity, so unless I'm feeling brave, I don't tend to leave my comfort zone much. Speaking of leaving my comfort zone...
I'm a 28 year old female and I... weigh 340 pounds. Sometimes its 345, sometimes its 335. I try not to weigh myself much. I struggle with suicidal ideation, mostly because of my weight. I grew up in a very neglected household, and until I was removed, I was skeletal. So when I was finally able to eat, I just kept putting it away. My weight finally stabilized around 300 pounds in high-school and I've been in this range since. That, combined with a different, crappier home-life lead to severe burn-out and depression. I lost myself, for a long time, and that included all my hobbies. All I really did was sleep and eat for nearly a decade. Somehow in the midst of that, I managed to find someone who liked me and wanted to help me. He knew I was depressed but it wasn't until a few months ago that he realized how serious it was. After trying to lose weight and failing again, I got really depressed and started setting up a plan to end my life. I got sloppy and he found the will I left out to get notarized so he could have my stuff. He panicked and cried. I'd never seen him cry; no one had ever cried for me before. I thought everyone would be happier if I stopped wasting space. I felt really bad and guilty. Angry, that he was being selfish and keeping me here longer, but he said I was being selfish by taking away something he loved, too.
So I got help. Started seeing a therapist. I'd seen some before but they just kind of slapped me on pills that didn't work and would ask 'how are you' every day. Frustrated with no progress, I'd leave and my depression would seemingly get worse. This time, we talked about things I liked, and one of my favorite things to do as a kid was swim. Given my weight, she thought that'd be literally the best thing I could do, and I... had to agree. The pros of swimming are just too numerous. I'd rekindle a very dear hobby of mine, my brain would produce stuff it needed to produce to make me happy, I'd have a reason to leave the house and go get sun, get more fit, have more energy, it'd curb my desire to eat, I'd feel more confident, blah blah blah. So many, many good things from just one activity. And I got really excited, and then remembered 'Oh... swimsuits...skin...size...'
Like I said, I have a terrible, irrational fear of rejection. I was also severely bullied in high-school for my weight, and even out of it. Riding a bike, and some stupid boys through their drinks at me and yelled about my 'ass-cheeks hanging over my bike seat' and I've never ridden my bike since, despite it being another thing I loved dearly. I'm am terrified that if I go to the pool in the gym, someone is going to make fun of me, or laugh at me, or tell me to leave because my fat body is grossing people out. I have a very small frame, so my fat does not look good at all and almost all of it is in my tummy. No one wants to see that. And I'm really scared that if something like that happens while trying to swim, I'll give up on swimming entirely, just like I did biking. I don't want to lose this. The water is the one place I feel really, really happy and peaceful. And sadly there aren't any lakes close by where I could swim in secret and I'm not rich enough or rude enough to buy out a pool for an hour.
But even despite that fear, I really want to try. I've already changed my eating despite how hard its been and the fact I haven't seen much progress yet, and while I could just do just that and probably lose weight, I'm impatient and want the other results too. I want to do something I really love again.But I can't get over that fear long enough to commit to going. Closest I got was putting a suit on to see how I looked, and then getting even more sad about it because of all the skin that was hanging over the edges. And I've heard the usual tips. 'Don't worry about what others think' and 'people who are jerks don't deserve your concern' and I know those types of things are true, but they don't really... help much when your fear of rejection is completely wild, you know?
So does anyone have... I guess a situation like that? Where they were mortified about the gym/their skin and it turned out okay? Or I guess even turned out badly, but it was okay in the end? Any other advice to help that isn't just 'get over it?' Like I said I know that's the best advice, but... yes. I just. I need this activity, especially for weight loss and positivity, but I don't know how. Sorry.
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