I'm frustrated with myself, and sick and tired of having my yo-yo weight gain look like a successful stock market. How do I find stability and peace?

My weight peaked at 330 when I was 18, near 26, and now near 27. I even got bariatric surgery when I was 21, where I went from 315 to 250 back up again in the matter of a couple years. Looks like a goddamn stock market with so many ups and downs. Theres kind of a hard # limit where I say "no more" and that is 330. By all means my body just wants to inflate.

I lost weight a year ago by going to a store and getting their frozen meals, and by making a solid breakfast. But cooking blows because of dishes. I figured out I can do intermittent fasting with two meals a day and I'd do that at fast food places with chicken based meals. Both of these strategies worked, and I went from 330 to 305 just by monitoring what I ate and calorie tracking. Fucking calorie tracking. I got proud and then I stopped. I stopped counting calories and I stopped monitoring what I ate, some days I broke my two meals a day / IF schedule, anz the meals I ate were higher in calories. Then this spiraled out of control such that I maintained at 315+-5, now I am no longer doing two meals a day and back to my old self. With moving, starting a new job, I went from 320ish to 328 in just a month.

So why a few questions, because I am coming from a place of self annoyance (lets be clear here, I am pissed off at myself and pissed off at the fact that this is such a goddamn struggle)

1) Why is weight loss a goddamn struggle? Why do I need to be in a "weight loss mood" and its always reactionary and not proactive? I.e. the times where I'm like "I need to lose weight" are when I am about to hit a (bad) personal record, and not when I am huge but lighter than I was (e.g. when I was 305 lbs and stopped, I should have had a second wind and said lets keep going!). I love lifting weights but goddamn I never am active because why pour energy into something thats just literally wasting energy and time if my diet isnt there?

2) Why can I find something that works and never see it through? Clearly going to trader joes or going IF was working. Clearly spending the time to cook eggs+quinoa+yogurt for a 300-350 calorie fulfilling breakfast was working. Clearly eating fast food twice a day was even working. Lost 20-25 pounds in 2-3 months with that method, All without working out, too! So what the fuuuuuuuuuuck happens? Why cant I stick to something? Why is stability so hard to find?

3) Should I even try to do OMAD for even more simplicity? Basically eat 1 meal a day. Is this riskier nutritionally if I choose fast food as my one meal?

I dont know if this is clear signs for therapy, or if I need to dig deep myself and meditate or what. Because I am coming from a place of self-judgement and not love. i step on the scale and see a bigger number and I think fuck, of course. I've had therapy for several years but apparently it never really helped? Because if I cant find out why I sabotage any happiness and choose to live in a world where I hate shopping for clothing because I need to go to speciality stores, then idk what to do....

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